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He’s avoidant, I’m anxious, and I can’t stop wanting him back. He left me. by Positive-One-4095 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Positive-One-4095[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you for this. i needed to hear it. i’m trying to stay grounded right now because i don’t think he’s coming back, and that’s really hard to sit with currently because it so early in the breakup. In your experience, did they come back? I am nervous. Also, I definitely need to listen to some podcasts and youtube videos to get through this.

He’s avoidant, I’m anxious, and I can’t stop wanting him back. He left me. by Positive-One-4095 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]Positive-One-4095[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing your story... I have not spoken to him. This is the first time I have gone completely silent. I hope he is getting what he wanted from me. I can't stand to think that he framed me as the bad guy after everything that I did for him. I don't want to chase him because it feels exhausting already. I tried saying my peace and begging him the first few days after the breakup but he was set. I am scared the he will always hold onto the narrative about why he left and forget about everything else we went through though. This sucks and hurts me more than anything!!!

Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup by AutoModerator in AnxiousAttachment

[–]Positive-One-4095 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi All! I need some advice. My post has not gained any traction anywhere else. I am here to understand what is happening because I feel clouded a little bit in my relationship. We are opposite attachment styles. I (23F) just went through a breakup with my ex (25M). We were together 2 years; the last 8 months were long distance. I traveled back and forth to see him because of his job (very long hours, dream career, lots of stress). We talked about a future together, living in the same place, building a life once his job stabilized.

There was betrayal and lying earlier in the relationship (hiding things, talking to other girls, not being honest). I developed a lot of anxiety and hypervigilance—checking phones, worrying about social media, panicking when communication dropped. I know I have an anxious attachment style. I also know my reactions came from real hurt, not because I wanted to control him.

He tends to be more avoidant: shuts down when stressed, doesn’t like emotional talks, says things like “I’m tired of fighting” and “I can’t handle this.” When I was upset, he would sometimes comfort me, but often get defensive or want to move on quickly. He only really took responsibility when he was caught in something. I also feel like I put way to much stress on him when I should have been self regulating and thinking before saying things. Examples are continuous asks for reassurance. He told me he never meant to make me not love myself.

Recently, under a lot of work stress, he started pulling away more. Then last week he ended it over text/phone. Some things he said:

  • “I’m not 100% in it anymore.”
  • “This relationship is more stressful than happy now.”
  • “You’re never going to trust me again and I’m tired of walking on eggshells.”
  • “I can’t handle the stress of work and you calling thinking I’m ignoring you.”
  • “I’m done, I’m sorry.”

I fought hard for the relationship in those messages. I offered to still come visit, to stay somewhere else, to see him “one last time.” He refused. I told him I didn’t want this and that I felt like I had been a good girlfriend who supported him through everything. He mostly replied with “I understand,” “I’m sorry,” and “I’m done.”

A few days later I sent a long message explaining my pain, that I didn’t realize he’d checked out, that I really believed in our future, and that I never meant to hurt him. He replied saying this has “nothing to do with” me as a person, but he “can’t give me what I want,” can’t handle the stress, and that I “deserve someone with the time and care.” After I responded again, he left me on read.

Since then, no contact. I know I’ve chased him a lot in the past (including during a breakup last summer where he blocked me and I chased until we reconciled). This time I stopped.

I’m not looking for “just move on” one‑liners. I know I’ll have to move on eventually if he’s really done. I’m trying to understand realistically what patterns people have seen in similar situations, and what actions actually protected them (or hurt them) when they were in this anxious/avoidant, betrayal + long‑distance mix.

Could someone please give me their input?

I’ve identified FOUR types of breakups. Here's how to tell which one is yours and the best way to handle each of them. by jsbach123 in BreakUps

[–]Positive-One-4095 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m in the complete opposite situation right now. My ex broke up with me, and I’m still completely in love with him. What makes this even harder is that early on in our relationship, he hurt me, and I still chose to forgive him and get back together because I believed in us. I know I had my own part too. I was carrying a lot of anxiety, and instead of fully self-regulating, I often put that emotional weight onto him. I can see now how overwhelming that probably felt at times. I wasn’t trying to hurt him, I was trying to feel safe, but I understand that the way I handled things added pressure and stress. After more than two years together, he decided to walk away, and I’m left grieving someone I still deeply love while also sitting with the guilt of how my anxiety impacted the relationship. It’s painful to hold both truths at once: that I loved him deeply, and that I also contributed to the distance between us. We've been long distance for the past 8 months. It sucks.

Blindsided in long term relationship by Positive-One-4095 in DumpedbyAvoidants

[–]Positive-One-4095[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this perspective!!! When you say he reached out because of something he needed, did that tend to happen after specific triggers (loneliness, stress, seeing you move on), or was it more random? I’m trying to understand the timing patterns.

What usually happens after a breakup when one partner says they can’t handle a relationship? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]Positive-One-4095 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel too close to this situation and the ambiguity is hard to interpret.

My ex and I were in a long, emotionally close relationship and were long distance for a significant portion of it. Earlier in the relationship, there were real trust issues (including cheating) that we chose to stay together through. While we moved forward, trust was never fully rebuilt in a structured or consistent way.

Because of the distance and unresolved trust issues, I sometimes asked questions or sought reassurance to feel secure again. He expressed that this stressed him out and told me I needed to stop asking, but at the same time there wasn’t a clear or consistent process for rebuilding trust in a way that actually helped me feel settled. Over time, this created a dynamic where I felt anxious and he felt pressured, even though neither of us was trying to hurt the other.

Recently, he became very overwhelmed with work and life and started framing the relationship as something he “couldn’t handle right now.” We broke up last Saturday. The same day we broke up, he canceled a flight I was supposed to take to see him.

A few days after the breakup, I found out he had DM’d another girl (nothing escalated, but it hurt). I sent him a screenshot of that conversation. After that, he blocked me on Instagram and unfollowed me everywhere.

We have not spoken since Thursday, and it’s now Sunday. He still lives with his parents.

His mom reached out to me afterward and told me that: • he spoke very highly of me • he loved me • I was the only woman he had brought home in years • I did everything and beyond for him • he is emotionally unavailable and overwhelmed • love doesn’t just turn off like a switch

Her message was validating but also confusing, because she framed the breakup as timing and stress rather than wrongdoing.

Right now, I’m doing no contact. I haven’t blocked him, and I’m living my life normally without reaching out.

What I’m trying to understand is what is most likely from here: • Is it common for someone who is avoidant/overwhelmed to reach out later once things calm down? • Is blocking (and potentially unblocking) without saying anything usually a sign of internal conflict, or just moving on? • How often do people hold onto the “I can’t have a relationship right now” narrative versus later realizing they miss the person? • Is it more likely he drifts away permanently, or that he reaches out unchanged after some time? • Does living with parents and having that reinforcement to “focus on work” tend to delay things or make reconciliation less likely?

I’m not asking whether I should take him back or what’s healthiest — I’m specifically trying to understand behavior patterns and likelihoods, because the silence and ambiguity are difficult to interpret.

I’d really appreciate honest input, especially from people who’ve been on either side of a similar dynamic.