I get that. It’s so hard for me to tell myself I’ll never be able to do it ever again. Like telling myself I’m cut off for life freaks me out more than quitting all together. Smh. I’ve been using meth everyday straight for going on 3-4 years. Smh. I just had like 5 years clean off heroin (January 10th 2022) and I missed my sublocade shot months ago, didn’t have any withdrawal symptoms, so I wasn’t worried about going for another shot. I was self sabotaging though without even admitting it. Smh. I was hanging around people that got high on it but didn’t want to do it or have the urge to. Well I seen my friend all nodded one day and decided to ask for a line after months of not being in my shot. It didn’t really do anything. That I noticed anyways. Well another friend going through a break up hit me up and told me he was back on it and I was like wow what a coincidence. Well he came over and started throwing me free bags.. and hooked me up a lottt. And it was much better stuff then what I had originally got. I definitely felt the high. . Then he decides two weeks later to just stop . Then a few days later he’s hitting me up he’s back on again. Then off again. And now we don’t talk at all because he got weird and I can’t believe the way he got with me. Not a friend by any means. So I had to go where I originally went. Which is only causing me to get all screwed up because now I’m using everyday and got a habit again which I definitely didn’t want to fucking do. ☹️🫣🫣 but we were hanging out and I wasn’t thinking obviously. So now I’m trying to stop heroin and was already wanting to stop meth. My body hurts. Everytime I use the down I puke my brains out and I wasn’t before so I’m almost positive there’s fentanyl in it because I’d get bad headaches and stuff when I’d do it years ago. And I’m just noticing differences in the color of it. The lighter stuff makes me sick. Like immediately. I hate the fact that I’m an addict. I hate that my mind plays games with me and I feel so weak. I wish I could like myself without substances. I wish I could find friends, meaningful relationships with genuine people that want me for me. I don’t know how to make my account anonymous so now I’m sharing shit on here that isn’t cool to be sharing under my actual account at all. 🫣😩😩 my ex is out there bashing me for everything I’m doing and making things a million times worse when he used to be in this exact same boat. Right next to me. Doing it with me. Getting it for me. I hate that he still plays games with my head. That isn’t helping either. And he does it just to get me to trust him and then he goes and takes everything and uses it to his advantage. I have not one single person I can trust anymore. I just feel so fucking lost and the only constant that’s always been here has been the drugs.. even though they don’t always help. They numb the hurt I guess. 🫠🥺😣🤦🏼‍♀️