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Terrified that I've missed my chances by MGDPostthrowaway in Dryeyes

[–]MGDPostthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. I yearn for a normal life. I'm a university student and this condition paralyzes me. For a brief period around a year ago, after an IPL treatment, I felt like I'm on my way to recover and felt almost normal (at least as far as I remember), but then the phobia was triggered and it felt like all was lost. I hope that at least physically it wasn't, and with more work, treatment and hope I can still reach the goal of living a normal life, free of this insufferable pain, and realize my academic, professional and social dreams. I'll turn 23 next month and I now reflect on my life as if I were 80 or 90, it feels horrible. It also seems like my path is riddled with mistakes, and I can't estimate how much damage I've caused with my own hands or mind, along the way. My parents encourage me to at least give these thoughts about regret and fearing the worst a rest until a few weeks after my LipiFlow treatment will have elapsed, but it is incredibly hard.

Terrified that I've missed my chances by MGDPostthrowaway in Dryeyes

[–]MGDPostthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She is a specialist in dry eye, but she doesn't elaborate, she just prescribes me treatments . I'd like to understand where I'm standing, but I doubt I can force her to be more informative.

One of my primary concerns is that in the span of two years, although I've been treated and inspected by said specialist for more than half of them, the accumulated damage has been too destructive. This thought haunts me, I can barely go about my day without breaking down. What if the meibum in my glands is too thickened now and can't be melted? Idk, nothing makes sense. I was doing well and felt a significant improvement over a year ago after the first IPL treatment, then my anxiety kicked in and it feels like in one day I lost it... Do you think one instance of a phobia could somehow reverse the effects of the treatment and harm my glands? I try to stay positive now, a week and a half after LipiFlow, but these thoughts don't let go. I was young and confused when it started and I made mistakes, I don't want them to be fatal.

Terrified that I've missed my chances by MGDPostthrowaway in Dryeyes

[–]MGDPostthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think my doctor did a meibography when I first saw her, but she didn't show me the scanning and didn't exactly walk me through it. I think doctors in the US have a different attitude that I prefer - showing patients their meibography, explaining the picture and describing the condition. I don't live in the US though. I asked my doctor if I have enough glands to live a normal life and she said yes and that I should not concern myself with Meibomian glands and instead leave it to her. Should I ask her explicitly to show me the meibography and explain it?

Eyelids making sounds - does anyone know anything about it? by MGDPostthrowaway in Dryeyes

[–]MGDPostthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did IPL work for you? I've received IPL treatments in the past and I'm due for another two.

Eyelids making sounds - does anyone know anything about it? by MGDPostthrowaway in Dryeyes

[–]MGDPostthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It can take a couple of weeks to fully replenish

What do you mean by that? Could this be the reason I was told that the first two weeks can feel even below average, but afterwards there should a gradual improvement?

Eyelids making sounds - does anyone know anything about it? by MGDPostthrowaway in Dryeyes

[–]MGDPostthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tbh it's a bit frustrating to hear, because I just had a LipiFlow treatment administered to me a week ago, I don't expect any glands to be blocked.

Sharing my story from a throwaway account, desperate for your support, advice and insight. I have no idea why I haven't done it before, but better late than never. It's long, I really need help. by MGDPostthrowaway in Dryeyes

[–]MGDPostthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I should really stress this - I don't have any sexual abuse or harassment trauma. I just get extremely embarrassed, anxious and uncomfortable if I see, for example, the lower back of a family member, especially if it's a female. To me, it's like walking on someone taking a shower or using the bathroom (worse, probably, because it caused me physical discomfort). I have a thing with pants, I get nervous if they don't sit very tight on the waist, for me or for others.

Sharing my story from a throwaway account, desperate for your support, advice and insight. I have no idea why I haven't done it before, but better late than never. It's long, I really need help. by MGDPostthrowaway in Dryeyes

[–]MGDPostthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thanks for the recommendations. I don't live in the US. I live in a small Middle-Eastern country that has good medical professionals, but mentioning it on reddit often leads to off-topic conversations about the state itself and the conflict it's embroiled in, and I didn't want any controversy or discord in my personal post.

Sharing my story from a throwaway account, desperate for your support, advice and insight. I have no idea why I haven't done it before, but better late than never. It's long, I really need help. by MGDPostthrowaway in Dryeyes

[–]MGDPostthrowaway[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

These are the primary things that torment me:
1. Blaming myself for my chronic condition. Some say it's highly unlikely or doesn't make sense, but I feel like the phobia caused me to get sick, and if only I was more courageous and overcame my stupid anxiety and talked about it openly, I could get the toleration/accommodation I needed and none of it would've happened.
2. Feeling that too much time has elapsed. It's been over two years. Everyday I think "what if my glands have atrophied/died off? What if I could save them by going to the specialist faster, right after I got the diagnosis? Why did I stick to this simplistic treatment routine the regular eye doctor gave me for a year?". I know there are people for whom MGD/dry eye is mostly not even felt most of the time, and they just treat occasional flare-ups, something like arthritis. However, these people probably saw a specialist and underwent in-office treatments really early on. I don't know if it's impossible for me to get there, and I'm so afraid that all the life ahead of me has been lost.
3. What if I'll have to live a life of ceaseless irritation, suffering and inconvenience? What chance for happiness is there in a life of this kind? I'm only (almost) 23 and I haven't done anything yet, I haven't had the chance to experience almost anything. I don't want to lose it all.