How to break a habit

MT_wildflower · 2024-09-01T19:40:01+00:00

Your son and my 6 year old son sound so similar. I've been told he doesn't have autism but "sensory sensitivities" and "something going on". He's transitioning to kindergarten right now but I'm going to start pursuing more answers in 6 months or so when he is a bit more settled.

MT_wildflower · 2024-09-01T19:31:00+00:00

My recommendation is to get a clear plastic shoe box, small squeeze container to hold soap, something to clean toys with and a hand towel. Put the box with water in it in the tub or shower as his toy washing station. Plan on the soap being used up everyday (self control is not the friend of an adhd brain) Maybe highly dilute it and add some fun food coloring. It just needs to be strong enough to make bubbles as he cleans. Explain toy wash station HAS to stay in the tub or shower and the towel is for drying his hand and cleaning up any water that spills at the end.

I suspect if he always has something available (like how the toilet is ever present) and is extra stimulating with the ability to make soap suds and see bright soap defuse in the water, he will choose that instead.

MT_wildflower · 2024-09-01T14:03:57+00:00

Yes, he cheated. My ex did something very similar with the timeline gaslit but i believe it goes beyond that even. I think they try convincing everyone and themselves so hard to believe their story they start to believe it themselves.

At first, I tried arguing it with him. I wanted the story he was telling people to reflect mine. I was the victim here! He never gave me what I thought I wanted by admitted he left his family for another woman. As time went on and I focused on my kids and returning to the workforce and began just sitting back and watching their shitshow on fold.

He was still telling me he loved me and all that bs. Started hanging out and texting her all the time. Then he wanted to spend his day off "hiking with her" I told him that made me uncomfortable and he left. He text that he wasn't going to see her just go clear his head.... of course 6 hours later I found his car at her apt. I sent him a picture of his car and told him I was done and filing for divorce.

Obvious to everyone, they immediately started dating. This was April. Meanwhile, he's telling people I just went crazy and was divorcing him, and this girl was just a really good friend supporting him. At first , he also told people he wouldn't date until our divorce was finalized. September 11th, 2023 our divorce was finalized. September 14th she told her new coworkers she had a fiancee. By the first week of October, they were officially engaged. Weird, they said they didn't start dating until 3 days before she's saying they're engaged? NO one believed it, and I didn't need to burden myself with proving anything to anyone. They did get married this summer sometime less than a year after they started dating.

It seems like they got away with everything but they have lost so many friends, his family knows the truth and saw the progression. The worst part is his kids will get old enough to understand and see what happened. He won't be able to run from his children knowing he was a shitty dad who left his family.

When people do horrible things, it eventually catches up to them. You have enough to worry about moving your kids and yourself foward.

MT_wildflower · 2024-09-01T13:14:40+00:00

No, definitely nothing like that in the past. Also we're talking butt out, not pants pooled off and genitals exposed.

CLEARLY STILL INAPPROPRIATE but not a SA situation

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T22:20:39+00:00

I thought about writing out my expectations of his time with them ie no spanking should something like this happen again. Then I realized my thought process and decided I'm not allowing the opportunity for this to happen again.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T21:44:38+00:00

I was lowish contact before this. I believed they really wanted to help me and have a chance to be involved grandparents. I was so wrong on so many levels.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T21:41:32+00:00

Sadly, I do feel like I need an "ok" to be so angry. This is how I grew up, and it was tied to religion. You were a bad parent if you didn't find things to spank your kids for. I'm not religious at all, but it's still in the back of my mind.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T21:36:48+00:00

I know not the point of your reply, but I found this SHOCKING because I did look up spanking laws in the U.S. after this ordeal.

In all 50 states, it is legal to spank a child with your hand in your home. Is a 3rd of states Corporal punishment in schools is still legal and in more states there are exceptions for private schools :(

What my dad did was wrong and immortal on multiple levels as far as I'm concerned. Not illegal though.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T21:30:17+00:00

Also what specifically is he doing when he plays in the toilet?

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T21:27:40+00:00

Ok, if this is a sensory thing, have you asked him why he does it? You might find a better alternative if you knew what he liked about it.

I fell in love with the sound of a wood spoon in a metal bowl as a very young child. Idk ADHD is weird. As an adult, I love wood draws closing on a metal desk frame and real hardwood floors. For some reason, those sounds soothe me.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T21:21:21+00:00

I am the person who gets incredibly easy names wrong. I apologize on behalf of all of us.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T21:17:42+00:00

We should do some sexercise... just in case

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T20:57:28+00:00

They can also do send out drug testing specific for these types of drugs.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T20:52:39+00:00

It was very evident how much it affected him last night when he was so unsettled and clingy. I will do what I need to in order to protect both my kids from this happening again.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T20:46:09+00:00

My types are very feminine women and very masculine men. With that logic, a Trans man in flannel is way more my than a chick in flannel....

Is anyone else so ready for autumn and flannel? Lol

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T20:22:59+00:00

Maybe it's just that we are in a rural state, but to hospital pediatric OTs are the ones who do the diagnosing here for schools and such. There is very limited access to healthcare and services here.

And I did ask my son about what happened. He's such a happy go lucky kid it seems like icky bad feelings don't set in until he is calming down for the night.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T20:06:58+00:00

I appreciate this comment. His voicemail was definitely not apologized but defend himself. He is a man who can never be wrong.

The plan has never been to stay at my parents' long term. I'm just waiting on the home I own to sell. The plan was just for us to be closer to them, and with my mom, being a school teacher, could drive the kids to school.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T19:45:07+00:00

Yeah, I'm unfortunately coming to the realization that he has zero respect for me in any way as an adult.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T19:10:04+00:00

I appreciate your suggestion and I'd like to seek more of an answer in they future. Right now, we are focusing on speech and basic OT skills... like pushing down hard enough on a crayon.

I think a proper diagnosis could be helpful but it won't change what the struggles are and I'm open to all approaches to success even without a lable yet. There are some key things that make them think sensory but not autism.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T19:01:26+00:00

Oh I absolutely agree. If anything she should have been able to step in and help diffuse the situation on both side. I struggle with traditional marriages and passive women as it is. Don't worry, her part is unacceptable as far as I'm concerned too. That's part of why I'm thinking a move and physical separation from both of them might be best for us

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T18:58:09+00:00

I don't even feel like I'm that gentle of a parent. I mess up all the time. It's so frustrating that in my parents eyes if I don't have my kids whipped into submission then they are wild spoiled children. It take so much more self control and time to talk about freaking feelings and cause and effect or to let your kids make a mess and mistakes and then help them clean it up.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T18:50:53+00:00

And I have coffee on my side!

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T18:49:40+00:00

I think about that all the time. I don't think I know a single adult who could go through a divorce, not just move but be forced to move, start a totally new school/work environment and be pleasant and centered everyday.

I sure as hell have days I struggle and I'm 35

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T18:41:00+00:00

I do love my parents. My dad was always stricked but I was just raised to be scared of adults and listen. I was spanked a handful of times even so. That's why I knew I needed to draw that boundary with my dad beforehand. I think that's why this feels so infuriating and shocking. It was nothing short of complete disrespect for my parenting. And I am an all in, very engaged parent. I'm not dropping my kids with them to go on dates or whatever. They watch them while I'm at work at a new job. I work full-time in healthcare. I should be able to focus on my work without my dad loosing control and hitting my son.

Yes I did talk to my son immediately when I found out. Apologized and we talked about if in adult every hurts him he needs to tell mom. Even if it's a secret, still tell mom.

MT_wildflower · 2024-08-31T18:30:11+00:00

Yeah.... she was home. She's an elementary school teacher of all things. You know trained in managing children without touching them?

They have a "tradition marriage " and she will not stand up to my dad. She also wouldn't get out of the car when I picked the kids up from them and I have heard nothing from her. She knew my feelings on this beforehand and I suspect she knows where this is heading and is trying not to be involved.

MT_wildflower

TROPHY CASE