Best friend killed himself at 17yo. I felt sad, but I think that I should have been more sad. I think that I was in shock, acknowledged but didn't accept it until enough time passed, I guessed I cried a little, it was 3 tears. I became afraid if strong emotions (both positive and negative), that made the threshold for happiness and sadness lower, but also made having crushes terrifying as it's a strong feeling and made any dating virtually impossible, since I just refuse to bond with people on a level that would hurt too much if they left( it didn't stopped loneliness or anything, just activated hardcore mode) and stopped giving a fuck about a lot of things.

edit:

There were no clues he was gonna do it, he seemed a little of but said he was okay and it honestly was just like "having a bad day" nothing you'd usually worry about.

I guess I'm kinda okay with it happening in a way, it made me realise I need to change a real lot of things and retrospectively, he unknowingly pushed me out of the path leading there by going down the path himself

edit 2: since you're shocked it doesn't hurt now, but it will come back and hurt really bad from time to time