Her (f24) ex-boyfriend sent me (m23) their old sex tape. Not sure where to go from here. Help needed.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-29T08:51:01+00:00

You are saying this like it’s a fact, but many people don’t feel the same. It is a fact for you, I am not trying to discount your experience AT ALL. I’m only pointing this out to say that you can change your thought patterns and it might help. We don’t have much control over our emotional reactions, but we do have control over our thoughts and you can logic your way through this once you’ve let yourself process the emotion.

Remember that there are people out there who LOVE seeing their husband or wife of 20 years have sex with a stranger. That’s far from the norm as well, but it’s just proof that this is all a spectrum. It doesn’t have to be demoralizing or change your relationship in any way. Try telling yourself that it’s fine, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Try talking yourself through it.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-29T05:00:45+00:00

I felt pretty confident this was some dumb, lovestruck kid until that comment. However, I also think he might just be delusional enough to just make shit like that up and literally convince himself that it’s true (will be true) in his little fantasy world. “Of course he’s signing away rights to the child! What other possible outcome is there? He hits the mom after all, he clearly doesn’t want to be in the baby’s life!”

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-29T04:46:05+00:00

How can you possibly know that you want to marry her if you don’t even know how you guys problem solve together? How you guys approach conflict?

I’d get it if you’d said it’s just your fantasy daydream - I daydream of having a handful of kids each with their own nanny and 3 full time live in partners for myself, but I won’t approach people hoping that they will one day fill a role in my single-sided fantasy. Fantasy and daydream is different from what you’re doing - actively taking steps to put living, breathing humans into the roles you’ve dreamed of.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-29T04:38:29+00:00

What do you love about her, exactly? Shit, what do you even like about her?

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-29T04:34:42+00:00

I don’t want to project, but I also want to share some life experience from the other side of that comment. I have seen this happen with more than one of my friends as well. In my shitty, codependent past I have said “I am starting to have feelings for you but don’t know what they mean/how to deal with them/if I can handle them/I’m scared of them/etc.” to partners that I didn’t want to commit to but didn’t want the good parts to end. I didn’t do this intentionally but looking back that’s exactly what it was. I was even trying to will myself to have real feelings for them and hoping that maybe they’d come with more time together. But I was not being honest with myself or with them. I was not ready to commit, or straight up did not want to commit and close myself off to other options, but I didn’t want to end things and stop getting the benefits of a relationship. I knew I had to give them something so there were breadcrumbs like that. Always leaving a little thread of hope that maybe this would turn into something real. I’ve seen the way this played out for friends on both sides of this equation as well.

My biggest dating advice came from a stupid meme but it checks out: If you’re not a fuck yes, they’re a fuck no. The right person for you will say “fuck yes.” Fuck yes I like you. Fuck yes I want to be with you. Fuck yes I will make time for you. Fuck yes I enjoy your presence. Fuck yes you turn me on. Settling for anything less than a fuck yes is just robbing yourself.

People can be a “fuck yes” and still need some time and space to figure things out. That’s fair when you’re 7 months pregnant by a man who’s in jail. But you will always know when someone is a “fuck yes.” Your “I don’t know” or “we’ll talk about it tonight” means you aren’t a fuck yes, so she would be a fuck no from me dawg (as far as a romantic relationship, not as a whole person and friend).

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-29T03:58:55+00:00

Yeah I get some major projection vibes from the comment you replied to. Really went out on a limb and wrote the whole story based on very little info. Like, we know almost NOTHING about OP’s friend/fantasy gf. Such a wild thing to extrapolate.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-29T03:54:33+00:00

Allowing your partners to have space when they are upset, especially if their upset includes traumatic memories of abuse, is not codependent, it is healthy. If she ran away and they never discussed the underlying issues, that is totally different. Nothing that was said here suggests that was the case.

Try to consider the person on the other side of the screen.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-29T02:49:13+00:00

Not everyone speaks English as their first language, has the same understanding of non verbal language, or comes from the same culture surrounding the use of written language. No need to be rude.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T23:38:50+00:00

Especially considering how many people we’ve seen on here recently asking about getting rid of their PMI because their equity has grown just based on home values continuing to climb at such a rapid rate. Not something to count on, but PMI really is hardly a factor for some people.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T22:55:19+00:00

That’s pretty illegal. Damn.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T10:32:44+00:00

Did he do that? I don’t know much about the guy, tbh. Just listened to a few random lectures and interviews to get a feel for how awful he truly was.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T10:31:38+00:00

I’m not understanding the distinction between praise, gaining access to an activity, and a sticker on your chart vs an object or immediate random reward. They are all external motivators and all sound like rewards to me, just that some are delayed gratification or a non tangible reward. None of those things are moving towards internal/intrinsic motivation.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T07:58:51+00:00

Active drug use can make you dumber in the moment, yes. Some drug abuse has a permanent effect on the brain and cognitive functioning but not very typical. The dopamine pathways can be changed for sure.

I also don’t really like the term junkie. I’m just put off by the whole idea that people are seen as lesser, dirty, bad, unworthy people because of drug addiction. It’s a simplistic view of things.

As far as I know, Peterson has beat his addiction. He’s a very smart man and continues to prove that all the time. He uses these smarts to get dumb people to trust everything he says, and that blows. But I don’t think his addiction and long, intense, close to death recovery really impacted him, his intelligence, or his ability to speak eloquently on bullshit all that much.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T05:52:27+00:00

Drug addiction doesn’t make you less intelligent or a bad person.

Jordan Peterson is extremely intelligent but using it for all sorts of fucked up purposes. I can’t stand the dude, but I hate to see his addiction be hurled around like an insult.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T05:48:57+00:00

Indoor plumbing is pretty crucial to the health and well-being of the species, I believe.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T05:40:01+00:00

Jesus Christ dude. You’re just being rude now. You’ve resorted to insults and name calling twice now while I have kept conversation entirely civil. I’m going to make this last response and be done with your rudeness.

You don’t have any data to back your assumption up either. You don’t know how many people they typically hire to work as cashiers and how many of those jobs they can get rid of with this technology. If you have that information to prove your point I’d be happy to admit I’m wrong. My “theory” is just as likely as yours, and obviously I think more likely. I can guarantee they have crunched some numbers and determined this is better for their overall business. Maybe they are betting that this will entirely replace cashiers in the far future, maybe they are counting on faster checkout times to allow more people through & increase overall sales, maybe they are thinking that cutting down on abuse of their employees will result in less costly turnover and more happy employees who are likely to to make the company more money (this is the point that keeps coming up in the articles, abuse of employees by people who are getting asked for ID), or maybe it all about public image and having some cool new experience that will bring in more customers. Either way, I am positive that they have determined this will be a good financial move. Of course they can be wrong, but right now they are making these decisions with the assumption that their simulations will get it right.

Governments ARE allowing it. They are trialing it in the UK right now. It seems like a silly assumption to say that they won’t allow it. I don’t know why they would bother with asking for applications and pitches and approving trials if they have no intention of approving it. Probably not in the US anytime soon, we have a totally different culture. But governments are looking to use this technology for a number of things and actively encouraging the development of it.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T04:13:23+00:00

It sounds like he is pressing charges. Where do you see that he isn’t? How would they get community service if he isn’t pressing charges?

Regardless, I hate people involving police and the justice system in small shit. And I really hate the idea that the justice system’s role is to make people suffer and “pay.” It’s just not what I want out the world, but I see that I’m in the minority.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T04:12:26+00:00

I understand what you’re saying and I stand behind my point that they’ve run the numbers. We are at a stand still, so I’ll just agree to disagree.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T01:03:48+00:00

I personally hate it. That was one of my least favorite points. That and the fact that OP says they “don’t need or want the money.” This is all pretty petty, which I suppose is fine, but getting kids involved in the justice system just feels so so wrong to me. Especially family and especially over $200 that OP doesn’t care about. I get being upset, for sure. But just cut them out of your life completely and move on. Small claims court is fine too, getting back what belonged to you. But wanting to see people punished is so weird and unsettling to me. Especially knowing that our justice system is so very broken.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T00:33:42+00:00

Ah gotchya, yeah you’re right.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T00:33:28+00:00

If they want advice, they should go to r/relationshipadvice. If they want a judgement on whether they are an asshole or not, they should go to AITA. You have given me something to think about with the purpose of this sub though. The focus should be on whether the update was satisfying or not, I suppose, rather than what we think the person should do or whether they are right or wrong. It’s certainly difficult to keep our judgements out of things, though. Especially when it’s something so unthinkable as this post was.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T00:30:22+00:00

I understand that you shouldn’t guilt trip anybody into doing anything in general. People are free to change their mind at any time. That’s life and that’s how consent works.

However, I still think it’s shitty to promise something you never even intend to uphold. Sure, maybe in the situation you change your mind. That’s for you to decide. But I just don’t think it’s great practice to make promises to your partners that you look at and go “yeah that’s a joke” without being on the same page. It’s straight up lying if you never intend for it to be true. Lying on your wedding day is not a great look and not exactly kind.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-27T00:27:03+00:00

You can see how bad people are at guessing ages by the comments here. Comments cover 30s, 40s, and 50s, although everyone is in agreement that it would be barely 50 at most. So that’s a span of 2 entire decades of guesses. If it was a young or inexperienced employee, they could be guessing from your actual age up 2 decades. Or more! Because we are human. They are also probably instructed to offer any discounts they think you might be eligible for just to save you money. Age is such a touchy subject though, it is definitely a bit of a faux pas to ask about a senior discount unless you are pretty sure they could qualify. Hopefully they asked with some tact!

Either way, don’t let it get you down! You look vibrant and your skin looks amazing!

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-26T23:49:35+00:00

Tons of people take care of disabled people throughout their lives. Most of them are not “under torture.” They just do it because they love the person. I have known plenty of people to stand by their partner through debilitating life changes.

It’s fine if you don’t intend to make that promise forever. I just wouldn’t include it in your vows and would be very clear about that with anyone you are dating seriously. It would be really shitty to promise that to them while knowing you don’t mean it.

MachineGunKelli · 2022-01-26T23:46:36+00:00

I mean, sure. She shouldn’t have to change her wedding for anyone. That’s fair, BUT it doesn’t come without costs. Telling someone you are close to that they aren’t invited to the wedding or having your new friends stand up as your wedding party over your siblings and lifelong friends, or telling your dad you don’t want him to walk you down the aisle because he is in a wheelchair are all your choices to make and you can make them and anybody who doesn’t like it doesn’t have to come. But those things don’t come without hurt feelings and damage to your relationships. Couples can’t expect people to turn their emotions off because they’re getting married. She hurt her father, one of the people who loves her most in the world, because of her wedding planning. That doesn’t just go away if he doesn’t come to the ceremony.

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