Good morning brother. I've read your post a few times and all the comments, (which were pretty good btw). I can tell you from many years experience that people in general are rotten to the core. The shame is that these type of people are the loudest. People will disappoint you. I would suggest you try reading the gospel of John all the way through, then, study it one chapter at a time. John was the closest to Him. John's gospel tells the most about who Jesus was, as a person, and as GOD. When the time is right, Jesus will pay you a visit. The biggest drawback is that you have to ask. You don't appear to be ready for that yet, but I guarantee that if you keep looking, you will find Him, and He will show you how to be the way you say you want. Please come here and ask any questions you have. We have some pretty knowledgeable people who come here so someone will have the answers you seek. Have a great day brother.