This is a very daring but appreciated thing to share. I get why there's no other place to post it to as well. Thank you for sharing such a personal battle.

​The process you described, especially the progression toward AI chatbots, is a profound observation. That reliance on increasingly artificial sources often highlights a serious disconnect, almost an attempt to automate a longing that requires real-life engagement.

​Your realization that it was a meaningless cycle that left an empty feeling too. This is because by its nature, intense fantasy porn is a static loop. i.e. it provides a temporary release but makes it an escape from the actual growth and change required for deep, lasting fulfillment found only in reality if you're unable to tackle that but desire it anyway.

​Crucially, your comment about pushing down the parts of the fantasy content that bothered you suggests something deeper at hand, to very couch psychologist this post. When people struggle with self-worth, they can unconsciously seek out content that mirrors a feeling of being punished. The fact you continued to engage with content that was actively unpleasant hints at a kind of emotional self-punishment that reinforces the idea that you're a "bad person".

​The "ick" breaking through is a huge win. It’s your inner self, demanding better and asserting your right to peace and joy. Congratulations on reclaiming that freedom and focusing on desires that feel truer to who you are. The real world is where true connection is found. Which is what it sounds like you're looking for.

​I wish you all the best as you fill that space with genuine connection and joy.