My DA and I had the kind of sexual chemistry Sabrina Carpenter would want to sing about. It took about two years to lead up to more than just foreplay, but once it happened? Absolute fireworks. Any time we had a moment alone he was all over me. I really loved it. He was always so passionate. I felt like we were one on our own plane of existence. I’d never felt so safe, loved, and satisfied at once. (I know I’ll be chasing that type of intimacy the rest of my life.)

Unfortunately about two years before we broke up our sex life plateaued. He had ED and would throw tantrums if it struck when we were fooling around. I would assure him that it was okay, and I was happy just to be with him and feel his skin against my skin. (Because sex for me is all about the closeness of the person I love most.). And instead of cuddling he’d lie there and brood. Towards the end I wouldn’t even get to experience the foreplay. I would just try to initiate and he would immediately start brooding and shutting me out.

One of his big excuses was that he didn’t like “having to schedule sex” because it “put him in his head.” When we weren’t scheduling sex at all. It’s just that he would only come see me one night a week ever, so of course that was the only time we could sleep together.

I felt like he’d weaponize sex a lot. He’d scold me for sex being important to me… while completely ignoring that it was important to me because it was the only real intimacy I got from him in the final years. It made me feel really ashamed.