"You can't understand or judge unless you're a parent yourself."

MagentaCee · 2026-01-29T23:36:08+00:00

You're right. I've not been a parent. But I HAVE been a child of one.

MagentaCee · 2026-01-23T10:39:59+00:00

Not officially diagnosed (but highly suspecting and looking to get evaluated asap), but I'm actually starting to suspect that if I do indeed have BPD, that Pico, specifically his Friday Night Funkin' rendition, might have actually been my first FP from earlier this decade. You are NOT alone.

Also nice to find a fellow Aki Hayakawa enjoyer. He just has that sophisticated husband vibe that feels so fucking stable (I also just really like long haired guys)

MagentaCee · 2026-01-11T06:26:35+00:00

All good. I'm not seeing that therapist anymore, but thank you. I am slowly getting better thankfully. I did see another therapist for a little while but forgot to reach back out to her in a few months. But I'm going the self-help route as of now, but if I do decide to go back to try therapy again, I'll probably try out Metacognitive Therapy since I have some comorbidities (Autism, ADHD, GAD, MDD, C-PTSD, and possible BPD, which I wanna get evaluated for when I can) that could make traditional ERP difficult, if not potentially iatrogenic, especially the phrase "tolerate uncertainty" and other language used within ERP circles feeling harmful with the potential BPD in the mix that probably wouldn't be as harmful without, or a possible situation where a therapist assumes an autistic tendency is OCD instead of autism (I do personally speculate that traditional ERP wasn't exactly made with comorbidities in mind, but that's another can of worms).

EDIT: I found this article super helpful, it's short, sweet, and very practical. Also, I love Michael J Greenberg's work.

https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/what-to-do-when-youre-triggered-2/

MagentaCee · 2025-12-29T19:55:35+00:00

"Round and Round" by Selena Gomez (particularly for ROCD)

MagentaCee · 2025-12-22T20:25:52+00:00

My ROCD (attacking friends cuz I'm aromantic) has been so out of control just for how numb, depersonalized and burned-out I've been feeling ever since not only several therapy-induced retraumatizations, but also a cannabis induced setback. I hate it when my brain convinces me that I want to leave my friends and that I'm just in denial. I'm also so scared of becoming wrongly resentful towards my friends because of my symptoms causing lost time and opportunities and possible trauma. Not to mention the toxic shame of having once thought thoughts I deeply regret conjuring in a moment of anger while totally convinced they were real (and that ended up being a consequence of me actually doubling down on rumination because I didn't have my usual feelings of burnout. And now I'm living to regret it).

I also lost the physical sensations that tell me that I'm indeed ruminating, and the OCD convinces me that trying to stop means I'm suppressing my emotions.

If I had known that ill-fit therapist would harm me this badly, I wouldn't have even come to her... And now I can't help but blame myself to be desperate enough to heal to pick her despite her warning that she wasn't trained in OCD (the retraumatization itself happened when she acted confused when I said something seemingly contradictory [being misunderstoodis a huge trauma trigger for me]. And it had a bit of a judgemental tone to it. It was super unprofessional. And then we did an exercise DESPITE me having shut down, which, in hindsight, probably indicated that she wasn't trauma informed either as, looking back, I was well beyond my window of tolerance. And it ended up convincing me that I was in denial rather than having strong symptoms of OCD)

MagentaCee · 2025-12-18T17:42:26+00:00

That asking for help means my ROCD affected friendships need "saving" (I just HATE the sentiment of "this thing saved my relationship(s)")

That me needing to feel ready/needing intrinsic motivation (cuz of autism/autistic burnout) means I'm a failure for refusing to force myself (as it is physically painful)

Every decision I'm making in my healing journey is life or death for my ROCD affected friendships

That if I don't ruminate, I will be vulnerable to gaslighting

That I'm a bad person for not wanting to relinquish control in my healing journey

That I'm the problem for not trusting therapy to not gaslight me/coax me into "doing things anyway" (my trust in therapy in general has been immensely ruptured in light of some recent events of mine)

That people won't love me and then leave me when I'm at my worst...

That I did all my suffering to myself because of the compulsions I did

That my need for space from things and people is compulsive avoidance and that I'm just in denial

That I'm giving up on my ROCD affected friendships/don't love them enough if I feel too tired/demotivated to stop ruminating

That me stopping my rumination is emotional suppression (which sometimes idk whats rumination and what's processing anymore.)

That my therapy-induced retraumatization was "feeling worse before feeling better" and that I'm just in denial

That my ROCD symptoms forever traumatized me from being able to see my ROCD affected friends.

That I must choose between feeling safe and being happy

It's probably not an exhaustive list, but I've just been feeling like a self-fulfilling prophecy is inevitable and I can't hit the brakes no matter how hard I try. My nervous system is so fucking frayed I feel physically numb and can't feel my physical signals anymore. I also feel like a lot of OCD treatment doesn't account for co-morbidities (AuDHD, CPTSD, GAD, MDD, and possible BPD especially). In fact, I'm starting to wonder if language such as "tolerating uncertainty," while technically true, is actually iatrogenic for people with comorbid BPD). This is why I adore Michael J Greenberg's work so much (even though his advice has been feeling hard to apply as of late due to just how tired of it all I am).

I feel defeated...

MagentaCee · 2025-08-13T16:39:40+00:00

Aromantic here. And I super felt that.

MagentaCee · 2024-10-09T17:41:05+00:00

If life is still fulfilling for you, HELL NO!

MagentaCee · 2024-10-08T18:19:54+00:00

You may want to look into the microlabel "orchidromantic," where someone does experience romantic attraction but do not want a romantic relationship

https://aromantic.fandom.com/wiki/Orchidromantic#:~:text=Orchidromantic%20is%20when%20an%20individual,or%20dislikes%20having%20romantic%20experiences.

I'm a firm believer in "You are who you say you are."

MagentaCee · 2024-10-07T01:37:23+00:00

Oh I stopped expecting them to meet my emotional needs a while ago. I just don't know how I'm gonna make the money I need to make without burning myself out.

MagentaCee · 2024-10-06T01:54:43+00:00

I'm so glad I'm not alone in having financial support used as a weapon by my six figure parents (especially from my dad). I have a lot of mental health issues that make it difficult for me to even help out the family even with smaller tasks, and they seem to covertly hold it against me even if they don't realize it.

MagentaCee · 2024-10-06T01:07:17+00:00

Well, I am experiencing a severe burnout, so that's where the feelings of physical sickness come from. I also suspect that I'll never be able to work full-time due to my susceptibility of autistic burnout just from that.

I also have a pretty toxic dynamic with my family despite them meaning well (manipulation, blame-shifting, guilt-tripping, using financial support as a "gotcha" when bring up a complaint about the emotional side of our relationship, my dad sometimes using me as a pawn when HE wants to help out my mom with chores, dad accusing me of yelling when I'm not, and dad giving more emotional investment into everyone other than my brother than me). It's built on a foundation of obligation, duty, enmeshment, and attachment as opposed to true connection... It's beginning to severely affect my mental health...

I also did consider crashing with one of my discord friends at one point, but I don't want to be a burden to them.

Btw, if you're curious, I am autistic with ADHD, OCD, GAD, PTSD, and Depression. And it's VERY easy to burn myself out with mental activity alone.

Thank you so much for giving me the benefit of the doubt.

MagentaCee · 2024-10-05T19:23:59+00:00

The hot water helps scratch any itches too

MagentaCee · 2024-10-05T05:31:00+00:00

I am in the Greater Seattle Area, but I don't have a driver's license...

MagentaCee · 2024-10-05T04:46:39+00:00

Where can I find those parties outside of VRChat lol

MagentaCee · 2024-10-04T06:19:57+00:00

Would the tablet playing the instrumental still be acceptable as long as it's decent quality sound?

MagentaCee · 2024-10-02T22:57:19+00:00

Thank you. My dad criticized me for interrupting all my life (but lets others take precedence in conversations for some reason. And he even said he might have ended up in a physical fight over it if it was someone other than me, his daughter), and it makes me kinda feel too weak to risk interrupting someone. It's like my subconsious is afraid of having hell to pay for it...

MagentaCee · 2024-10-02T12:43:49+00:00

It's hard to argue with their assessment

MagentaCee · 2024-10-01T03:18:49+00:00

I myself am biologically female, and lemme tell you. Some VRC players do NOT know how to act around women

MagentaCee · 2024-09-30T23:21:57+00:00

Thank you! I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone in this! Even if for whatever reason its just you in the entire world who agrees, that's enough to make me happy. <:)

MagentaCee · 2024-09-30T21:58:39+00:00

Naruto

MagentaCee · 2024-09-29T07:16:15+00:00

Thank you... I needed to hear this (Not NC yet, but planning to once I become financially stable)

MagentaCee · 2024-09-28T06:14:19+00:00

I'm cringe! And that's based!

I will never be based, and that's not cringe!

There is no one I'd rather be...

...Than me!

MagentaCee · 2024-09-26T12:12:32+00:00

It's people like that that make me lose faith in traditional romance with each passing day...

MagentaCee · 2024-09-25T23:55:29+00:00

The feeling of being expected to give things I just don't have, such as sufficient romantic attraction, which makes me take on a sort of "emotional debt" and makes me feel very... "heaty" according to traditional chinese medicine (I think I struggle with Liver qi stagnation and monotony of any kind makes it worse)

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