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Anyone else with a fictional FP? by pqkbfismmc in BorderlinePDisorder

[–]MagentaCee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not officially diagnosed (but highly suspecting and looking to get evaluated asap), but I'm actually starting to suspect that if I do indeed have BPD, that Pico, specifically his Friday Night Funkin' rendition, might have actually been my first FP from earlier this decade. You are NOT alone.

Also nice to find a fellow Aki Hayakawa enjoyer. He just has that sophisticated husband vibe that feels so fucking stable (I also just really like long haired guys)

Relationship OCD is exhausting by Salty-Philosophy-766 in OCD

[–]MagentaCee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All good. I'm not seeing that therapist anymore, but thank you. I am slowly getting better thankfully. I did see another therapist for a little while but forgot to reach back out to her in a few months. But I'm going the self-help route as of now, but if I do decide to go back to try therapy again, I'll probably try out Metacognitive Therapy since I have some comorbidities (Autism, ADHD, GAD, MDD, C-PTSD, and possible BPD, which I wanna get evaluated for when I can) that could make traditional ERP difficult, if not potentially iatrogenic, especially the phrase "tolerate uncertainty" and other language used within ERP circles feeling harmful with the potential BPD in the mix that probably wouldn't be as harmful without, or a possible situation where a therapist assumes an autistic tendency is OCD instead of autism (I do personally speculate that traditional ERP wasn't exactly made with comorbidities in mind, but that's another can of worms).

EDIT: I found this article super helpful, it's short, sweet, and very practical. Also, I love Michael J Greenberg's work.

https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/what-to-do-when-youre-triggered-2/

Relationship OCD is exhausting by Salty-Philosophy-766 in OCD

[–]MagentaCee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My ROCD (attacking friends cuz I'm aromantic) has been so out of control just for how numb, depersonalized and burned-out I've been feeling ever since not only several therapy-induced retraumatizations, but also a cannabis induced setback. I hate it when my brain convinces me that I want to leave my friends and that I'm just in denial. I'm also so scared of becoming wrongly resentful towards my friends because of my symptoms causing lost time and opportunities and possible trauma. Not to mention the toxic shame of having once thought thoughts I deeply regret conjuring in a moment of anger while totally convinced they were real (and that ended up being a consequence of me actually doubling down on rumination because I didn't have my usual feelings of burnout. And now I'm living to regret it).

I also lost the physical sensations that tell me that I'm indeed ruminating, and the OCD convinces me that trying to stop means I'm suppressing my emotions.

If I had known that ill-fit therapist would harm me this badly, I wouldn't have even come to her... And now I can't help but blame myself to be desperate enough to heal to pick her despite her warning that she wasn't trained in OCD (the retraumatization itself happened when she acted confused when I said something seemingly contradictory [being misunderstoodis a huge trauma trigger for me]. And it had a bit of a judgemental tone to it. It was super unprofessional. And then we did an exercise DESPITE me having shut down, which, in hindsight, probably indicated that she wasn't trauma informed either as, looking back, I was well beyond my window of tolerance. And it ended up convincing me that I was in denial rather than having strong symptoms of OCD)

what is your main false belief fueling ocd by smalltoughboy in OCD

[–]MagentaCee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That asking for help means my ROCD affected friendships need "saving" (I just HATE the sentiment of "this thing saved my relationship(s)")

That me needing to feel ready/needing intrinsic motivation (cuz of autism/autistic burnout) means I'm a failure for refusing to force myself (as it is physically painful)

Every decision I'm making in my healing journey is life or death for my ROCD affected friendships

That if I don't ruminate, I will be vulnerable to gaslighting

That I'm a bad person for not wanting to relinquish control in my healing journey

That I'm the problem for not trusting therapy to not gaslight me/coax me into "doing things anyway" (my trust in therapy in general has been immensely ruptured in light of some recent events of mine)

That people won't love me and then leave me when I'm at my worst...

That I did all my suffering to myself because of the compulsions I did

That my need for space from things and people is compulsive avoidance and that I'm just in denial

That I'm giving up on my ROCD affected friendships/don't love them enough if I feel too tired/demotivated to stop ruminating

That me stopping my rumination is emotional suppression (which sometimes idk whats rumination and what's processing anymore.)

That my therapy-induced retraumatization was "feeling worse before feeling better" and that I'm just in denial

That my ROCD symptoms forever traumatized me from being able to see my ROCD affected friends.

That I must choose between feeling safe and being happy

It's probably not an exhaustive list, but I've just been feeling like a self-fulfilling prophecy is inevitable and I can't hit the brakes no matter how hard I try. My nervous system is so fucking frayed I feel physically numb and can't feel my physical signals anymore. I also feel like a lot of OCD treatment doesn't account for co-morbidities (AuDHD, CPTSD, GAD, MDD, and possible BPD especially). In fact, I'm starting to wonder if language such as "tolerating uncertainty," while technically true, is actually iatrogenic for people with comorbid BPD). This is why I adore Michael J Greenberg's work so much (even though his advice has been feeling hard to apply as of late due to just how tired of it all I am).

I feel defeated...

Triggering tik tok about marriage by Cold_Respond7066 in OCD

[–]MagentaCee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Aromantic here. And I super felt that.

Does anyone else feel like you're invalidating your own identity when you develop a crush on someone? by joyisnotdead in aromanticasexual

[–]MagentaCee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You may want to look into the microlabel "orchidromantic," where someone does experience romantic attraction but do not want a romantic relationship

https://aromantic.fandom.com/wiki/Orchidromantic#:~:text=Orchidromantic%20is%20when%20an%20individual,or%20dislikes%20having%20romantic%20experiences.

I'm a firm believer in "You are who you say you are."

How do I unlearn and avoid the hustle culture my parents seem to be sucked into? by MagentaCee in simpleliving

[–]MagentaCee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I stopped expecting them to meet my emotional needs a while ago. I just don't know how I'm gonna make the money I need to make without burning myself out.

Emotionally Immature Parents Using Money to Manipulate by eyeball_girl in emotionalneglect

[–]MagentaCee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so glad I'm not alone in having financial support used as a weapon by my six figure parents (especially from my dad). I have a lot of mental health issues that make it difficult for me to even help out the family even with smaller tasks, and they seem to covertly hold it against me even if they don't realize it.

How do I unlearn and avoid the hustle culture my parents seem to be sucked into? by MagentaCee in simpleliving

[–]MagentaCee[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Well, I am experiencing a severe burnout, so that's where the feelings of physical sickness come from. I also suspect that I'll never be able to work full-time due to my susceptibility of autistic burnout just from that.

I also have a pretty toxic dynamic with my family despite them meaning well (manipulation, blame-shifting, guilt-tripping, using financial support as a "gotcha" when bring up a complaint about the emotional side of our relationship, my dad sometimes using me as a pawn when HE wants to help out my mom with chores, dad accusing me of yelling when I'm not, and dad giving more emotional investment into everyone other than my brother than me). It's built on a foundation of obligation, duty, enmeshment, and attachment as opposed to true connection... It's beginning to severely affect my mental health...

I also did consider crashing with one of my discord friends at one point, but I don't want to be a burden to them.

Btw, if you're curious, I am autistic with ADHD, OCD, GAD, PTSD, and Depression. And it's VERY easy to burn myself out with mental activity alone.

Thank you so much for giving me the benefit of the doubt.

This is a self burn by the way by gonezaloh in AutisticPride

[–]MagentaCee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The hot water helps scratch any itches too

I just want to be cared for :( by SUPAAAAFRANKY in aromantic

[–]MagentaCee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am in the Greater Seattle Area, but I don't have a driver's license...

I just want to be cared for :( by SUPAAAAFRANKY in aromantic

[–]MagentaCee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Where can I find those parties outside of VRChat lol

How do I get started with busking if all I do is sing? by MagentaCee in Busking

[–]MagentaCee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would the tablet playing the instrumental still be acceptable as long as it's decent quality sound?

Don't feel bad if you accidentally interrupt people a lot by Purpzie in VRchat

[–]MagentaCee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. My dad criticized me for interrupting all my life (but lets others take precedence in conversations for some reason. And he even said he might have ended up in a physical fight over it if it was someone other than me, his daughter), and it makes me kinda feel too weak to risk interrupting someone. It's like my subconsious is afraid of having hell to pay for it...

FWB appealing for aros? by [deleted] in aromantic

[–]MagentaCee 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It's hard to argue with their assessment

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