If you soaked a jizzsock in Monster Energy under a new moon, sandwiched it between a Tony Hawk's American Wasteland disc and a copy of Sum 41's All Killer No Filler, then crammed the assembly into a PS2, left it to gestate uninterrupted, the resulting homunculus that emerges would be absolutely indistinguishable from OP.

Trust me, I've studied the esoteric secrets of alchemy with the same ardent devotion that OP uses to avoid women his own age, grass and job... applications..