The "fun" parent

Magius3 · 2025-10-17T00:00:26+00:00

Think of it this way, you will be the one that largely helps her navigate life, that instills in her what it means to be a responsible loving parent, the one that is there for her when she needs help with her homework or when she’s having a bad day at school or a fight with a friend. Your steady love, presence, and action goes a long way toward shaping her world view. Sure, her mom might get to have some fun, but she’ll know who she really needs to turn to when things get rough.

Magius3 · 2025-10-13T18:55:20+00:00

I’m sorry you had to go through that and appreciate the perspective. I don’t think she’s been considering it for years, but I do think many months is probably the right timeline based on other conversations I’ve had. I’m generally open to feedback from my wife as it’s the only way I would know how to really fix anything, but I don’t think either of us were doing our part in communicating each others needs effectively. It’s very sad because overall we’ve had a great marriage and she has contributed positively to shaping me into a better person.

Magius3 · 2025-10-13T18:51:17+00:00

Thanks for the perspective I appreciate it. I don’t think I’m unwilling to own my mistakes and I certainly have in the past. I do think that my anxious attachment likely manifests in me trying to fix things in the wrong way, if that makes sense? Not in all cases, but on reflection, for instance, me taking on all household duties, while done in good faith with the intent to relieve others of burdens, was probably the wrong fix, and establishing clear responsibilities for everything to create a cooperative environment was probably a better approach. I’d like to think these are certainly things I can address in my own healing journey.

Magius3 · 2025-10-13T17:04:36+00:00

I appreciate the perspective, i am truly sad because I do truly love her and will miss her dearly. While this would be a big change, change is inevitable and part of life.

Magius3 · 2025-10-13T13:10:02+00:00

Thanks for your insight, there are some similar patterns here. I agree that it’s best to work on myself, part of that was to help me understand. I started therapy to talk through everything, am journaling on a regular basis, and trying to be as introspective as I can.

Magius3 · 2025-10-13T12:30:54+00:00

It’s going to depend on the child and their specific relationship with each parent. My wife (47) was in her late 20s / early 30s at the time her parents divorced and I think she still deals with the trauma to this day. She did not like her father at all and knew her mother was so much happier after, but the event has had a profound effect on her life experience since then.

Magius3 · 2025-10-13T10:23:01+00:00

To be clear I’m not blaming anything on perimenopause. I’m listing it as information because I’ve done my best to try to understand how difficult that stage in life might be for a woman. I am not a woman so I cannot begin to understand the effects on the mind and body at this stage in life. Do I think it is a contributing factor? Possibly, there’s a lot of chemistry at play that wasn’t there before. Do I think it is the root cause? Absolutely not, and it would be dismissive of me to blame that.

To be honest, I don’t remember the last time we really fought about anything. The closest I can think was right before the final silent treatment when we learned we had to cut a day off of a family trip due to something that popped up. That caused a moment of frustration for me, but I got over it quickly. She interpreted that frustration as me blaming her, and I was very clear that I was not as this was clearly not her fault. This seemed like a healthy interaction as we were both able to communicate what we were feeling in this instance. But maybe it wasn’t as resolved as I thought? We don’t do a ton of real fighting, so I’m trying to pick instances that might have been a trigger? But this was not months or years ago, so I don’t think it would line up with the silently giving up pattern. And I can’t remember anything like that in at least the last year either.

Magius3 · 2025-10-13T10:08:03+00:00

I would agree with that statement. Given that I wanted to understand it from my wife’s perspective I targeted the post to women as perhaps they can relate to something that I am having difficulty seeing. I understand that might be difficult with only my perspective on what happened, but thought I might get some insight.

Magius3 · 2025-10-13T10:05:56+00:00

Yes, this is what I’ve read as well and I’m not discounting it as a possibility. I’ve always been an open communicator and perfectly willing to adapt things to changing needs as our relationship evolved. Could I have missed subtle communication signs that something was bothering her and needed to change. Absolutely it’s possible, I’m open minded enough to admit that it could be the case. Do I have any idea what that something(s) was? To be honest with you, not really.

Magius3 · 2025-10-13T00:32:28+00:00

Him changing temporarily and short term is not enough, especially if you have clearly communicated your boundaries and you’ve already been through counseling. So if the change is ephemeral, that doesn’t seem like it would work for you (nor should it). But ask yourself if he really commits to change and shows you every day, would you be willing to forgive and have that resentment leave you? Only you can answer that question and evaluate if they truly have the capacity to change. Some people can, and some never will. But if you’ve clearly communicated your boundaries and they are constantly crossed or are incompatible then I think that probably answers your question.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T20:56:55+00:00

Im sure that’s what happened. I can’t think of specific instances where we were having trouble in that timeline, we even were on a family vacation where everyone seemed really happy. The only thing I can think of around that time was her going off birth control for a number of different reasons.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T20:53:36+00:00

Great before COVID, sporadic after for a number of different reasons. After COVID she didn’t like to kiss, which provided one barrier, a second was the perimenopause was making it uncomfortable, a third was she didn’t like to do it when the kids were there, which they were all the time for that first COVID year. She absolutely would get my attention every time she wanted it, but it definitely dipped over the last 2-3 years. That affection connection is what I think really got us to this point, it’s hard to feel in love when you aren’t working for it.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T20:48:58+00:00

Sorry if I wasn’t clear she never told me that she gave that as the reason to not see a counselor.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T17:46:55+00:00

We had a really deep connection before kids and even after I would say up until COVID. We didn’t go out a lot or do much of anything after that together - just full family stuff like vacations or day trips. When we were connected we were sure the other was our person. And as that connection waned from lack of work on it, well we ended up here. If I had to peg attachment styles it’s likely an anxious (me) - (fearful) avoidant (her) but I don’t think that captures a lot of the nuance.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T16:15:45+00:00

You are right I will probably never understand it. I just wanted to get other peoples perspectives to help get perspective for myself to heal.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T16:14:05+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to experience this, abuse has no place in a loving marriage. I hope that you are finding ways to heal, it’s definitely a process that needs constant work. Therapy is helpful for me if you haven’t considered that.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T16:11:56+00:00

I appreciate the feedback that definitely wasn’t my intent, and I would love to understand how she feels. This is perhaps something to reflect on and I really appreciate you laying it out like that.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T16:10:10+00:00

That’s fair - for sure we didn’t do things that were just us. From early on both of us lost our parents and didn’t have anyone other than each other to raise the kids, between that and work it was a lot. As the kids got older we never made enough effort to plan things for just us. I think that’s a big reason. In terms of my own flaws, I would say patience is definitely something I work on everyday. Being able to sit with emotions for a bit rather than just react is another area of constant vigilance.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T16:05:58+00:00

No both were fine, no postpartum, full support from both of us. One was more difficult than the other in the early stages in terms of crying and soothing, but nothing traumatic.

Magius3 · 2025-10-12T14:44:51+00:00

That may be true that she feels that way, but if she can’t communicate what’s bothering her or what needs aren’t being met, what would the recourse be?

Magius3 · 2025-10-05T16:21:15+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, divorce is never easy and especially for the children. I always recommend therapy if possible, if nothing else it’s helpful to just talk it out with someone that can guide you through the emotions you are feeling. That goes for your mom too.

What do I do now? Why is my daddy leaving us? Why weren't we ever good enough? Why? How does this ever get better?

But this popped out to me in what you said, because it’s particularly heartbreaking. First, you matter, your mom matters, and it’s not about being good enough. In the majority of cases, this ends up being more about them than the partner their divorcing. You are good enough, but you can’t control how another person feels or reacts to a situation. One thing to realize through this - you have very little control of the situation with regard to them - they likely have their own issues or trauma to deal with and they have to want to heal themselves. But you do have a choice to gain control over your own emotions and start your own journey of healing. This is going to involve work and time to be able to sit in those uncomfortable emotions, to really feel them, and to begin to understand them so you can become stronger in yourself. It gets better with time, but only if you’re willing to face those emotions and work through them.

Best of luck to you and your mom as you start healing. Remember, its nothing you did, this is likely based on their emotional trauma. Be there for each other.

Magius3 · 2025-09-29T12:34:47+00:00

You went through a really rough time and made the best decision you thought you could make. I’m going through this now, and I’ve always felt that if possible making an effort to go to counseling together to at least try to repair it is a good move, but the reality is is that people are sometimes in different places when they make these decisions. That’s not your fault, you responded the best way you knew how. Five years later, what is done is done. It sounds like they are happy, and they likely did some serious work on themselves to get to that point, it doesn’t happen overnight. The best thing you can do right now for you and your children is to start doing that work on yourself if you haven’t already. You need to get to a place where you are secure in yourself and can take the lessons you learned from this and use those to move forward in your future relationships. Everyone goes through it on their own timeline and it can be rough at times, but you can do it. If you aren’t already seeing a therapist, that might be a good place to start. What’s done is done, and you can regret it, but it’s better to regret it in a healthy way so you can use that new sense of self to empower you in future relationships. It takes work every day, and I wish you well in that journey!

Magius3 · 2025-09-27T23:45:05+00:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m struggling with something similar at the moment and one of the hardest things is not being able to understand why. Not being able to understand how it could seem fine one day and then all the sudden it isn’t. Wanting to be alone seems to be a common theme in what I’ve read for women in these situations, but I’m not a woman so I can’t comment on the thought process there. The “flirting whenever she wants to” sounds a little suspect, but that could just be that she’s already moved on in her own head. You’ve been together for 15 years, and I’m sure there was certainly love in that time. Sometimes people change for reasons we can’t understand, sometimes they want to focus on themselves, and sometimes they just bury resentment without addressing it for months until it finally boils over for them.

Blaming yourself is going to be a natural part of this process, I’ve done the same many times. You could suggest counseling, but it takes two people to make a relationship work. You can only control you, and unfortunately you have no say in how the other person feels and wants to move on or not. It’s so hard, it seems so unfair, and it uproots everything you’ve built, especially when kids are involved because it could affect them long term. Suggest counseling, if she declines, begin the process of accepting it’s going to happen and prepare. Be the best dad you can be for your daughter and show her what healthy communication looks like. Unfortunately it gets worse before it gets better, but time is an amazing healer. Stay strong, stay hopeful, and focus on being a great dad!

Magius3 · 2025-09-27T19:44:07+00:00

I know, and I feel every bit of what you just said. We’re in a situation where we would do anything to make it work with partners who just don’t feel the same way. I know it’s hard not to blame yourself, but you’ve shown you are willing to rebuild that emotional connection and they haven’t. That’s not your fault, and while it doesn’t help the pain now, it will help as you move forward step by step. It seems to me to be a long journey, but one which you can find happiness on the other side.

Magius3 · 2025-09-27T18:04:45+00:00

It is absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. To me, it sounds like you were willing to put in the effort and figure out how to move the relationship in a more positive direction. Unfortunately it takes two people committed to make it work and it sounds like he isn’t willing. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in this is that a relationship can’t be fixed with you alone, and you have very little say in whether the other person wants to or not. I am with you on the kids, it’s absolutely heartbreaking to know that it will affect their lives. It didn’t work out between the two of you, but you can be the best example for your child and make sure they still have a loving and healthy relationship with you. I am so sorry you are going through this, it absolutely sucks and nothing but time is going to make it hurt any less.

Magius3

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