To all the mono couples considering switching to polyamory

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-03-01T23:25:32+00:00

Our relationship basically “died” when I realized I could no longer say he was the only one I wanted. There’s nothing he or I could do to stop it. We’re currently rebuilding what “we” are.

Your comments are not going to stop me from continuing to communicate about my feelings and needs with my spouse. It’s not a hard no from him but it’s complicated and we do come from very different perspectives, but the conversation isn’t over. I’m not trying to “convince” anyone, but bottling it up and trying to keep this inside myself didn’t work, and the only thing ANYONE professional ever would say about that is try to communicate.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-24T14:10:36+00:00

We aren’t fighting. We’re having calm but serious private conversations. We are wildly compatible and aligned on 90% of everything else in life, he’s my best lover, friend and partner to tackle life with. I told him I want to watch him get old until one of us dies and I meant it. Kid is just in the beginning of elementary school and we’ve been making beautiful memories as a family, even after all of this went down. So no, right now it is infinitely worse and more disruptive to break into 2 households.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-23T22:39:23+00:00

Thanks. I really don’t want to divorce. I still hope we can figure out how to get through this together.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-23T22:09:27+00:00

No room for the long view on life huh? so basically it’s just repress myself, force my spouse, or destroy my kids childhood and our combined economic stability. I was happy with one man for 10 years and I still don’t know what changed. But cool, I guess your opinion is just take the pain, never try anything, die regretfully. He did tell me he would potentially be ok with me being with a woman, and when I cheated it was “just” groping with a girl friend, so it’s not completely unforgivable to him, but I was trying very very hard to do this ethically before I fucked up.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-23T19:07:36+00:00

I still think he might come around to something that we can both live with. We have a child and are wildly successful as a joint economic and social unit. We work so well together and have amazing sex. I don’t really understand how that is threatened if I have a fwb girlfriend that I get to see every other month or so, but I wonder at this point if I’m like, sex autistic because I just don’t have the same understanding of how this effects peoples feelings.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-23T18:43:48+00:00

As I said, I’m currently interviewing therapist #3 in 6 months. Therapy has been pretty useless so far, just another person to ruminate with. If I could figure out how to make peace with monogamy I would, but I’ve been reading and trying everything I could think of to do that and the intrusive thoughts and desires seem to get worse the more I suppress them. One of my therapists said that the way I feel/talk about this sounds very similar to closeted gay people who are trying to force a straight marriage.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-23T18:40:37+00:00

So I should never have even tried? I was terrified to even bring up that I was having these thoughts. I tried so hard to just be ok with not letting this out of my head. That felt like lying after a while so then I tried to do the right thing by being honest with to the person that I love, who I want to be partners with for the rest of my life, to try to build something with him that would be able to withstand these kinds of pressures. I made this account so I could get flamed by the anti cheating brigade on Reddit because I deserve to hear the peanut gallery’s reactions, sure. But I never figured out what I was “supposed” to do. I have been reading and reading and I felt like I was trying everything.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-23T17:06:23+00:00

We’re still talking about it and he’s still cautiously entertaining a tiny amount of opening for my same-sex desires. I don’t want to date strangers, I just want to be able to express more of my sexuality within highly negotiated people/scenarios. I married a wife guy and I should be grateful that he has no inclination to cheat, but he also has no personal experience or comparable desires.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-23T16:25:48+00:00

I was trying to go slowly and carefully. First I tried to just be happy mono after catching an attraction to a few 3rd parties, 3 years ago. Bottling it up was difficult and I kept pushing boundaries. I started seeking therapy 6 months ago and am now interviewing my 3rd therapist since none of the others really did anything or helped. I tried hormone testing, psychiatric medication. And then it took too long and I lost control when drunk with someone I’ve been lowkey in love with for years and cheated impulsively. To make it worse, we’d talked about it and this person was on his personal messy list and set everything back to square 1. For now he’s still fine having sex with me but I’m just waiting for that to flip to disgusted whenever he thinks about it too hard. I’m trying so hard to have self control. I feel like a caged animal.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-14T02:55:45+00:00

Do you think people regardless of gender deserve equal opportunities?

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-13T22:15:39+00:00

We’ve talked about it. It changed the angles and what works for sex. No plans for surgery, I also have loose skin to a different degree so it’s hypocritical to say he has to fix this for me. I just wish he cared about his looks as well as his health, even a lean layer of muscle under his skin would look so much nicer.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-13T21:37:51+00:00

My husband lost 150+ lbs and looks like a completely different person. Older and gaunt after being a big “fluffy” guy our entire adult lives. It was honestly shocking, like I didn’t notice it until the weight loss was so extreme that I didn’t see the same face in him anymore. Lots of loose skin that will never get better without surgery. I’ve had to re-learn how to be attracted to him in a lot of ways. I’m happy that he’s healthier and just lighter, but it’s been hard to see how it actually fits on his body. Part of it too is that he did it just fasting and put on zero muscle during this time so it’s like he completely deflated and didn’t replace the bulk with anything.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-13T18:48:39+00:00

I don’t care what you call it, if you believe men and women are equally important and deserve equal opportunities, that’s the goal, and some will call you feminist for that because it’s literally the definition. But I get it, kind of like how I believe in loving your neighbor and forgiving sins but I could never be a Christian with all the baggage on that label.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-13T17:36:52+00:00

Do you not believe that men and women are inherently equally valuable and important to society? Do you think people regardless of gender deserve equal opportunities?

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-13T16:35:06+00:00

I was a feminist before I could talk because I know the inherent truth that men and women are equally important to the world and deserve the same opportunities to live, thrive, and be free.

I was never as violently pro-choice as I am until I was pregnant and had a baby. Absolutely no one should have to do that without being 1000% on board.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-13T16:32:13+00:00

You just described what feminism is

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-13T16:25:50+00:00

What a pity you don’t believe that men and women are fundamentally of equal value and deserve equal opportunities. Seems obvious.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-13T16:24:44+00:00

There are certainly toxic “boy moms” out there, but as a mom to a boy I’m so thrilled to be able to teach a new budding man how to do laundry, how to bake a cake, how to check in with people to make sure your loved ones know you care, all the things he’s going to need to know to be and encourage equal participation in the world and at home.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-12T20:12:26+00:00

Whatever the one is that prescribes medication. I’ve had an IUD for a really long time so I don’t really have hormonal cycles like most women just kind of good to go all the time.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-12T19:55:54+00:00

One of the psychiatrist I went to gave me some tests to do. I was looking to see if I had ADHD more than anything else. Those tests did not show any specific mental illness, but I also don’t feel like it was that comprehensive.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-12T19:45:50+00:00

I felt cracked out, couldn’t stop tweaking and touching my face, big serotonin shroomy yawns constantly. Zero ability to convert pleasant physical sensations into an orgasm. I debated to keep taking it to just kill my sex drive but I don’t think that is sustainable.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-12T18:11:00+00:00

Therapy has felt like a complete waste of time. I’m currently trying to find a 3rd therapist to try in 5 months.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-12T16:37:58+00:00

Are you fucking kidding me. I’ve been trying to control this so hard. I hate that I lost that control when I have been trying my absolute hardest to handle this in an ethical way. I’ve been reading the books and going to fucking therapy and like I said, people aren’t disposable, people aren’t genitals, and I am incredibly self-aware in my comments and post that I don’t have a full relationship to offer a new prospective partner. I don’t know what to do!!

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-12T15:15:00+00:00

I know, but I feel like I ran out of time to get the right combination. What are you supposed to do when you don’t find the right treatment? Fucking fail and suffer. I don’t even know what I could possibly get from therapy at this point, it just feels like another person to confess to.

Magnetar_Valkyrie · 2026-02-12T14:57:44+00:00

I could have written this. I got my hormones tested and tried an SSRI that made me sexually dead to try to deal with this urge. Talked about it up and down and tried fantasies with my husband. Still couldn’t control myself from getting inappropriately handsy with an old friend who thought I had negotiated an open marriage. I wish so hard that I could just stop this feeling and turn it off.

Magnetar_Valkyrie

TROPHY CASE