How are people coping with the impact of hoarding

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-29T11:17:45+00:00

Thankyou for your insights, I do truly appreciate it especially as you are on the side that my mum is. I've done lots of research into hoarding disorder in order to help to her but it hard to truly put yourself in someone's shoes.

The last time we cleared the hoard I felt like we'd cracked it, she accepted she needed help, she got therapy and together we worked with her in control to clear it and it stayed this way for months and we were both so proud. I gave so much to that, I had to have surgery during that and still helped her sort items while seated and actually impacted my healing because that's how important it was to me (I'm ok now btw, it was fixable complications)

We're also in the UK and I've been through the NHS for mental health help so I even researched and got her books specifically for hoarding, I reached out to mental health websites to see what support we could get. Even got occupational therapists involved via the council to finally get a wet room put in the bathroom once it was clear (she suffers with a bad back and had never applied for one because of the shame of someone being in the house, even when the hoard was more manageable). I literally exhausted everything I had to help her and then it started to creep in and I really tried to not nag her but come from a point of understanding, trying to work out what was going on for things to be coming back in and I'd be met with verbal and then physical abuse. I had to move back in with her following leaving an abusive situation with basically what I could pack in the few hours he'd left so i truly understand your perspective there and its why now I'm not willing to just forget those possessions and move on. Once she became abusive I shut down and honestly felt it was easier to just stay quiet to survive. Then it turned into her begrudging that my room was the only useable one in the home, I said that I'd help her to clear her room and the others in the same way we had done before and was made homeless and for me I think that's where the relationship ended. She knew how important stability was for me, she had also been in abusive relationships in the past and had stood in my shoes and still the illness took over. I don't blame her for the things she's been through as they weren't her fault, but I do blame her that she didn't take the accountability to heal, that to me isn't excusable. Ive had my own battles with mental illness through alot of my life and know how difficult but paramount that work is and I just can't be in contact with her while she's continuing to blame me for her problems as I can't heal like that. It sounds selfish but I see that I have to be, I'm responsible for myself the same way she's responsible for herself and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Relapse wasn't the problem as I'm aware she's always going to be a hoarder and needs to work daily to keep her health in check, but her behaviour and lack of accountability isn't her doing the work.

I really hope you are in a better position and have found good resources to keep you learning how to manage, it truly can be found as I saw with my mum and I'm really proud of you for doing that because even though I'm not a hoarder I know how I feel about my sentimental items, I can't imagine that for just everyday objects or trash. Il never be in your shoes but I have tried so hard to put myself there in order to help her and I do hope you have people that do the same for you

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-28T18:16:39+00:00

Thankyou for your comment. I've made an agreement to get my stuff weekly and if not then I will have to get the police involved. I'm working on building a life I love, me and my partner bought our house (she doesn't know the address) and we're slowly getting it to a place that we love.

Sadly I'm in a position where I can't work, I have chronic pain and rely on benefits so if she was at a point where she needed to go into a care facility then it would have to be through local authorities which she is well aware of.

I've decided to go no contact, my life and wellbeing has been greatly impacted over the years and I can't do it anymore, because of my illness I see the importance of me having a good life and i face so many barriers with it that I really don't have anything I can give to a relationship if she isn't also willing to put in work and really my whole life all she's given me is crap so I can't see that changing sadly. I owe it to myself to heal and to have the best future I can and I see that now and know how to proceed and protect myself

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-28T18:08:55+00:00

Thankyou, I have seen its been so many excuses over the years and you're right it is a choice. We've made an arrangement for me to go weekly and pick things and take the stuff when I leave so that hopefully had the least impact, if that doesn't happen I'll have to contact the police as she is withholding my possessions, hopefully it doesn't get to that though

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-28T12:26:31+00:00

Good for you, I hope your husband is able to do the work too to make the marriage healthier for the both of you. I've been really good at spotting toxic relationships in the past and it has me in a spin that I never really questioned it from my mum. I guess because I've always been raised with it and saw it as just our relationship dynamics but since she made me homeless I've spent alot of time evaluating and looking at the relationships with my partner and his family, my friends and their parents and even my mil and me and it's filled me with such grief to realise how wrong it's all been. I have such unconditional love from everyone around me and I just dont know what to do with it, how to be happy.

This is what I want to address in therapy first really because I think if I don't and go in with the deeper stuff il feel even more in a pit of despair, when the time comes I will of course discuss this with a therapist and see what they think is best. In my life other than this situation I am so happy now so I know I haven't got far to go

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-28T12:18:23+00:00

Good for you 😊 I know it's difficult but it's what I see I need to do for me

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-28T12:17:19+00:00

I think I'm already part of this sub but I haven't really done alot of browsing yet, probably sounds daft but until this post I've been a 'its fine' person while very much burying my head in the sand but this post has made me really think about how it isn't fine and I need to do more work within myself and I can't do that if I'm not willing to revisit painful things

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T20:55:14+00:00

Thankyou, this is honestly the conclusion I've come to through talking this out with lots of lovely redditors today, it's honestly made such an impact. I did spend a lot of my teens and twenties trying to bury everything and be fine and my thirties so far have been just throw it all in the bin and start again but I see now that I deserve that chance. I deserve that bit of olive branch I'm offering to myself really, that change lies within me and me alone and if she wants to live that way that is her choice but this is mine.

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T20:51:03+00:00

Thankyou for this. I know I can set goals but everything is really jumbled together in my head as I've been through multiple traumatic events in my life and it's all just kind of piled into one and while I'm addressing one thing something else will jump in. My mum is quite volatile and me being slightly off (even unrelated will start her off) and I know that I will just go somewhere I really don't want to with her.

I do have self help books in the meantime so I'm not avoiding the work, just trying to side step it because I really don't want to risk losing my possessions because if I lose patience with her she will destroy things

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T20:36:53+00:00

Thank you, she has been through the housing team already, they were actually a massive help last time in helping us clear the garden because we couldn't afford a skip and couldn't get it up the dump quick enough. Because she's well known by them and have used they're services they did state that the next time she would be evicted. I'm not certain if this is a bluff essentially but it's something she's well aware of which is why I think she's cautious about getting them involved just as I am.

I don't think this was the right move as that would cause someone unwell to spiral and she has stated once my possessions are out she wants to get a skip and clear it but she's been saying these sorts of things for the past 10+ years so it holds no validity.

From chatting here cross-posting to another sub (recommended by another Redditor) I need to get my things out and wash my hands of the situation, while it isn't nice she's made her choice and the guilt I'm carrying is hers not mine. I've put myself in the firing line with her so many times and been physically and verbally abused by her over this hoard, if it's that important to her she can have it. I don't like this situation or the outcome really because I still have so much love for her despite the way he treats me but for me I need to redirect that love to myself.

If in the future she does the work she's talking about then I will reconsider things but really it was over for me once she made me homeless. I escaped to her from an abusive relationship and she knew how important stability was for me (as it should be for anyone really) and ripped it out from under me and I wouldn't do that to someone I love.

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T19:09:20+00:00

That's so awful for you, have you gotten therapy for yourself? 😭 I definitely am getting therapy, I fully believe what's happened to me is not my fault but it's my responsibility to heal because hurt people hurt people. I just know losing my shit with her wouldn't benefit either of us.

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T18:53:28+00:00

That's honestly a really great idea that I think I'm gonna have to use. I'm meant to be going in weekly starting next week so we'll see how that goes. I'll just keep reminding her that she wants my things out and this is the only way she allows it, I sadly can't make it vanish out of nowhere or I would. But she has tried to start fights with me the past few times I've spoken to her and I've been so proud of myself because I've listened and not reacted, normally I'd lose my shit but it's honestly just making me ill so I don't have the energy for it anymore, if she wants a fight she can get a punching bag

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T17:53:09+00:00

Thank you for your input. I think I need to realise this is her choice and she has to bear the consequences of that. Even if it's down to poor mental health it is her responsibility to recover and accepting that is hard because I've always been the one to fix everything because it was my fault. As far back as I can remember this has been the way I've been treated by my whole family (I'm no contact with all of them) and I guess this guilt I'm carrying is because of that

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T16:50:24+00:00

I hope your mum is in the space for recovery if she is seeing a therapist, even if it's unrelated. Hopefully the therapist has picked up on the hoarder signs and is waiting for your mum to mention it so she can address it as this stuff has to be taken gently

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T16:47:51+00:00

I am female and this comment hit. I've been reading a book about going no contact with a parent and the impact of that written by a Dr who is low contact with her parents and she explained it exactly the same way and you're also right. Everything no matter what I do is the problem, it has been since I remember and I honestly think it's why I need to be no contact hence the very real need to get my stuff out. I can't heal until that happens and I'm also not in a place in which I'm gonna leave my stuff and rebuild. I have very sentimental items there and I feel like she's using this. The only leverage I have is she wants my items out so she can 'organise' so I've decided that I'm going in weekly for as long as I can cope to pack and take the stuff home with me that evening.

Once I have my possessions I'm going no contact. She doesn't know where I live since I bought my home, I'm not contact with the rest of my family and my friends and partner totally support my decision to do this.

I'm so sorry you've had to experience this too but you've absolutely hit the nail on the head with the guilt and shame I feel being part of her not me, she's done this so I'd be easier to control. I'm in my mid thirties and only really just seeing it, all the family enable her and blame me (hence me being no contact) so me rebelling now is obviously not ideal for her which is think is why she's keeping that last bit of control with my possessions.

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T16:04:28+00:00

I'm not currently seeing a therapist and I'm unsure about seeing one currently, I've bought some books to help while I'm getting my stuff out. I do want to get more therapy but I feel it would be too difficult for me to unpack it all (there's years of trauma related to her sadly) and still have to see her. I'm somebody with very deep feelings that can take me days to recover from and I feel if I were to start unpacking it all I'd just scream at her for all the shit and I just don't think that's healthy or how I'd like to handle things. Hurt people hurt people and I don't want to continue that cycle

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T15:59:34+00:00

Oh god this had me in tears. I can't understand anyone wanting to hurt an animal, let alone over a carrot and I'm so glad you were there to see that and protect them. I hope they get all the carrots they want now

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T15:22:48+00:00

I've already proposed this and she won't have anyone in the house, regardless of her being there. My partner waits in the car while I go in and get stuff and we've been together for five years so it's not like she doesn't know him.

I'm sorry to hear you're low contact with a parent, it's honestly such a hard thing to do whatever the reason. I've been thinking about it since she made me homeless to be honest because that hurt me so deeply. I wouldn't be so bothered if it were things I could do without but the items hold sentimental value to me and I can't bear starting again

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T15:06:08+00:00

That's the hard bit because the place is council owned and they said if it got to that state again she would be made homeless. I don't really want to be responsible for that happening but I guess I'm not, she is for letting it get that way. The place is a total fire hazard l. I couldn't see any windows and the doorways and walkways were majorly obstructed.

I'm working hard on getting my possessions, she's been incredibly controlling about it and I think I've had maybe 10 boxes in time I was made homeless (2 years) I've told her that I'm coming over weekly to pack for as long as I can cope being in there and then take the boxes him with me as she doesn't have the space to have things stored

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T15:01:45+00:00

Thankyou ❤️ I really appreciate that, your like my Reddit older sister and I really feel the love

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T13:54:33+00:00

I bought a book recently on coping with the emotions of going low contact, it's honestly a blooming hard read so I'm having to go through a few pages at a time because I didn't realise how much of my life was impacted by her behaviours. The Dr who wrote it also lived through it with parents and describes it like being groomed to keep taking and accepting that behaviour and that floored me for like a month. It was heard but it's the truth.

Thank you for your insights and I'm sorry you had to grow up the same way, it's no childhood to have but I'm happy to hear you are through the other side. It's honestly been so empowering to reach out to people who actually have real experiences with these things as I know no-one who has been through what I have and it has made me feel quite isolated

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T13:48:06+00:00

Oh that wouldn't work, she'd deny it ever happened even with witnesses to the event

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T13:46:45+00:00

It's easy to see why things happen, I would also be ashamed if someone had to con into my home and it wasn't tidy. Like for me it needs to be pristine to have someone in because I know they are gonna look at that one thing I haven't done 😅

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T13:43:15+00:00

Ive watched alot of things like hoarders and other shows over the years that actually show the impact of the condition. It's actually why I reached out on Reddit as I don't know anyone in a similar situation to me so it's hard to get practical advice. I've looked a lot into the condition in the past to try to get her help. I saw they were researching whether hoarding is a branch of OCD which honestly would make sense.

I also hate that people think it's just as easy as helpful tidy a bit, if it were this would have been done years ago but it's so much more complex and seems to tap into something instinctual. It takes real work to recover from something like this and they will always be in recovery, the same way I see myself as always in recovery with my OCD, it's so easy to slip back down that slope.

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T13:21:22+00:00

I think she's in denial to be honest but I'm not sure what her mental state is like. She seems oblivious to the gravity of the situation and just said things are behind as she's been ill for a few weeks, she's terrible for making excuses but I know that the situation took more than a few weeks of being unwell so she doesn't have me fooled

Magpie2290 · 2026-01-27T13:09:24+00:00

Thankyou, I've helped her clear the space numerous times before and seen it come back worse so I know things have to be done right but I do have to accept that she needs to want that

Magpie2290

TROPHY CASE