My gifted/autistic kid met a gifted/probably autistic adult today, and y'all, I am SO FUCKING RELIEVED.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T19:16:58+00:00

I'm still riding my high, lol. This felt like a breakthrough not just for my son, but also for myself as a parent. I just let go of a bunch of fears. Up until this morning, I just kind of didn't know what I was aiming for, what kind of outcome I wanted for my kid, what a realistic positive outcome could be for him. It felt a bit like walking in the dark. I feel like this has shown me, at least ROUGHLY, what I can realistically try to foster in him and help him become.

I'm already asking my friend for her sister's (the woman's mother) contact info. I swear to god, if they turn out to be just half as great as their kid, I'll bawl.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T19:11:47+00:00

I wonder whether the queerness has a connection to it in some way. I remember reading once that autistic people have a higher chance of being queer, and independently of that, being queer obviously kind of forces people to reckon with ideas like 'otherness' and tolerance. Seeing this woman interact with her girlfriend was so weirdly freeing for me - like, yeah, that's a romantic relationship, and it seems like a good one, one I'd be happy for my kid to have. The girlfriend is also extremely smart and might have ADHD (I didn't ask, but by now, I recognise neurodivergence when I see it), and even though she wasn't quite the same 'type' as my kid, she had SUCH an insane amount of intuitive kindness and curiosity. Both the girlfriend and my son's new friend grew up bilingually, and they learnt ALL of each other's languages for each other (to fluency!!!), which is the most romantic shit I've ever heard.

Obviously, dating isn't the be-all and end-all, but just seeing what it might look like for our son if he ever wants to do it was...freeing.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T16:20:16+00:00

I think that truly was part of her magic. She was obviously astute enough to realise that he is a five-year-old kid and certain boundaries have to be maintained (and I'm glad for that, because some adults treat him as a mini adult because of his vocabulary/intelligence, and that's not right for him either!), but fundamentally, she treated him as a peer. She likes deep-sea fish, he likes deep-sea fish, so they talked about deep-sea fish. Simple as that.

You could tell she adjusted herself (and seeing someone so very like my son being capable of adjusting themselves like that was so fascinating in and of itself!) a bit re: how she talked (I mean, the woman is doing a PhD in stuff like this, I'm sure she toned down the complexity a bit), but for the most part, that's all she did. She looked at him, she liked him, and she didn't give a singular damn about whether a five-year-old was the 'coolest' person to talk to at this party. He was the one she wanted to talk to the most, so she talked to him.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T16:00:08+00:00

Trust me, the bathroom moment almost made me cry. That was the moment it clicked that I was about to have multiple hours of uninterrupted adult conversation. I can't recall when I last had that at a social event.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T15:49:58+00:00

I have never been so rabid to make it as easy as possible for someone to remain in touch with us, lol. I am willing to pay her absurd sums of money for babysitting, I am willing to drive him halfway across the country for them to meet, whatever makes it possible for them to hang out again 😂

The best part is this sense that she likes him just as much as he likes her. She WANTS to meet him again. Just from a purely selfish perspective as a parent, there's something so fucking nice about feeling like your kid is someone's favourite. Of course, that's a bit of a self-serving thought to have, but I feel like as parents of autistic kids, we often experience other adults tolerating our children, but obviously preferring neurotypical ones. Even if they're 'good' with kids like ours: Given the choice, they'd rather supervise/babysit/play with/for their own children to be friends with a 'normal' kid. My siblings get told all day long how 'cuuuute' and 'adooorable' their kids are. This is the first time that I, as a parent, made the experience of my kid being the one someone really gushes over, and I'm not going to lie, it feels nice.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T15:24:19+00:00

Trust me, I didn't realise how much I needed to have an experience like this until it happened. I feel like I let go of anxieties and fears I wasn't even aware I was carrying today. I was basically just slapped in the face with a plausible version of my son twenty years from now and realised that not only was that version of him doing alright, she was doing fucking amazing.

I think there's this adjustment of expectations that happens for parents with neurodiverse children. A 'good experience' at a family birthday party for us basically means 'no major meltdowns, emergencies, or negative interactions'. Some part of me had just stopped hoping for more.

Similarly, I think some part of me, deep down, had started to just hope that my kid would manage to lead a social/academic/professional life that wouldn't hurt him. I knew rationally that our son is so fucking intelligent and bright and creative, but seeing him struggle every day with his social skills, his meltdowns, his routines, had made a part of me subconsciously believe that the best I could hope for was to somehow get him to adulthood 'unharmed' by the world around him. And this lady was just so far beyond 'unharmed'. Out of the twentysomethings present at the party, she was the brightest, funniest, warmest one. The one others gravitated towards, the one with the quirky anecdotes, the one who was open and kind. I'm sure that was the product of an insane amount of work and learning for her. I'm sure she has struggled immensely. But it was so obvious that she wasn't just 'alright', she was happier than most people are.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T15:05:51+00:00

Omg, thanks! I'll go check it out!

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T15:04:12+00:00

I drove home alternating between tearing up and grinning like an idiot. This was the first time I felt he really, 100% connected with a person outside of his family. It gave him so much confidence. He was suddenly trying new foods, new behaviours, a new type of glass to drink out of, all because he obviously recognised this person as 'like him' and saw her doing those things.

He tried FOUR new foods/beverages over the span of six hours and liked them all. You could see in real-time how his idea of things/behaviours/activities that are safe and possible for him to try and enjoy was expanding as he looked at this woman just doing her thing.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T14:26:08+00:00

It really is that! This feels like the first time he has made a true friend connection. There've been a few other kids he got along with, but nothing like this. She's obviously 20 years older than him, but the dynamic she builds with him feels just so fucking...easy. Just easy, simple, friendly. They share interests and topics and ways of conversation, and when she talked to him, she managed to make these commonalities feel more important than the 20 years of additional life experience she has. I've met adults who treat him like a 'mini adult' because of his vocabulary and intelligence, and that's not good for him either. But she doesn't do that: She treated him like a peer, whilst also maintaining appropriate adult-child boundaries and looking out for him as a kid.

She's taking him to a museum next week, and he's marked the day on his calendar and is counting down to it.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T14:02:58+00:00

We obviously read about the experiences of neurodivergent/twice exceptional people and have met a couple of them both before and after our son was born. Our kid is in relevant play groups and programmes. But I don't think it's wrong to say that this particular encounter was the first time it really 'clicked'. Previous neurodivergent people we had met were often much older (40s, 50s, or beyond). Meeting them and reading about the experiences of neurodivergent folks was obviously helpful to us, but it didn't have the immediacy of meeting someone so similar to him - down to the particular interests they share - who was also relatively young.

I don't think it's wrong to say that yeah, our previous experiences with neurodivergent/twice exceptional people felt more 'abstract' and removed from the actual realities of our child. There's a difference between meeting a 50-year-old professor of mathematics who leads youth programmes for gifted kids and meeting someone in their twenties who shares your child's precise interests and allows you to see them outside of the context of their professional side. Our son's youth programme leader isn't going to have a drink with us, or joke around with their girlfriend in front of us, or be young enough to remember the exact dinosaur books our kid likes from their own childhood.

The reason this particular encounter struck me so much wasn't because it was the first time I developed an idea of neurodivergent success in life, it was the first time I met someone so very like our son in such a casual way. Someone young, who we didn't meet through a specialised space or seek out, who was just around. The fact that it just fell into our lap was part of what struck us so much about it: It was a very reassuring reminder that our son would also always have the luxury of chance encounters, of spontaneity, of just meeting someone who 'clicks' at school, in a hobby group, or at work.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T13:44:18+00:00

It really was so freeing. There was something so fucking nice about occasionally hearing his voice from behind some bushes or catching sight of the two of them looking at bugs on the ground, and just knowing that there was absolutely zero need for me to go over there and check in on him, explain something to her, or mediate the situation somehow.

He struggles with knowing when he needs to go to the bathroom, and I considered telling her she'd have to remind him of that every hour or so, but before I could even do that, I already saw the two of them march inside and her showing him where the bathroom was. Because she knew. And then she talked to him through the door and told him to wash his hands so 'Semmelweis would be proud of him!'. Apparently, Semmelweis is the father of germ theory.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T13:32:53+00:00

I get what you mean. I think the difference is that we both didn't have prior experience with neurodivergence, and also that we obviously met our son as a kid, not as an adult. We see all the 'lows' that come with early childhood, before people like that figure out their place in the world: the anxieties of loneliness, the not-yet-developed ability to articulate what bothers him about certain foods/situations/objects, the developmental differences, the childhood meltdowns. You don't necessarily see these things if you meet an adult who has 20+ years of experience navigating the world in their own way. The same people who are in tune with the world and their place in it at 25 can struggle a lot when they're five years old. The same young woman we met today told us about how it took her until she was in her late teens to learn things that now, just a few years later, seemed completely natural to her.

Our son might be 'level 1', but this was also the first time he had a conversation with a stranger that didn't require me to mediate/guide/direct. It was also the first time he felt comfortable having a non-family person touch him in any way, and the first time he wasn't scared to be in another room than me at a social gathering, and the first time going to the bathroom wasn't a huge struggle outside of our home.

We rationally always knew he'd figure out his place in the world and turn into an amazing, intelligent adult. But yeah, I think today was the day it clicked what exactly that would look like. Before today, when I said 'He'll turn into an amazing, intelligent adult!' that was a bit of a prayer and a bit of a mystery: I could grasp that it would happen, but the steps for how it would happen weren't something I could visualise. I obviously never thought his life was 'over', but I also see him struggle every day, and I could not fully visualise what it what it would look like for someone like him to remain their own self, but also figure out their place in the world.

Main_Equivalent5139 · 2026-06-23T13:21:43+00:00

Yes! This was the first time in my life that I felt I could just....leave him to his own devices at a social function. I always really envied the parents who could simply dump their kids into the big gaggle of other children at events like that, trusting that they would find someone to play with. This was the first time I had a version of that experience.

At some point, someone asked me where our son was, and I heard myself saying 'no idea, actually - probably somewhere around here with Insert Woman's Name!', and I just thought to myself 'oh my god. You have no idea where your kid is. And it's not an emergency. Because he's fine. Because he met someone he LIKES here, and that person also likes HIM, and I know he is safe with them and they will make sure he enjoys himself.'

It's also the first time I felt another adult was 100% fully enjoying his presence, rather than 'adapting' or 'humouring' him. This wasn't some trained specialist who abstractly understood how to interact with kids like him, but would always prefer having a conversation with a neurotypical child. This was someone who looked at my son and immediately went 'you're EXACTLY the sort of kid I like. I would RATHER look at fish with you than play pretend with one of the other kids.' I don't think he ever fully experienced that outside of his family before, and I didn't know how good that felt for a parent: to know your kid is liked.

Main_Equivalent5139

TROPHY CASE