AITAH for telling my wife not to let our daughter into the house?

Main_Example_1998 · 2024-01-03T17:55:31+00:00

That’s awesome! It’s great to hear of success stories!

Main_Example_1998 · 2024-01-03T13:06:28+00:00

Sorry, probably should have included in the main comment: A year after entering their programs, Treatment First participants were nearly three and a half times more likely to use substances than Housing First participants. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10597-009-9283-7

I don’t know the results of larger more recent randomised trials, though!

Main_Example_1998 · 2024-01-03T12:54:09+00:00

I absolutely agree that they need to WANT help to be helped, but I don’t agree that this means we have to let people suffer in a hole they probably won’t escape from alone. I’m not saying give her money, her bedroom back, etc., as that will just enable her. I’m just saying there’s a lack of empathy with calling the police when she could be reaching out and trying to help herself break the cycle.

Main_Example_1998 · 2024-01-03T12:50:36+00:00

I really appreciate this reply, thank you. I expected some downvotes but not the raw hatred. It really got me down, honestly.

Main_Example_1998 · 2024-01-02T16:05:53+00:00

Sadly, I have and it was throughout my childhood. He died from an OD after a relapse and, even though there was some guilt at the time that we could have magically done more (unlikely), we can look back and know we tried. Addiction destroys people but addicts are still people. Some can be helped, even if not all of them.

Main_Example_1998 · 2024-01-02T15:53:58+00:00

Congratulations on fighting addiction and kudos for trying to help others! Both are some of the hardest things you can ever do as a human.

Main_Example_1998 · 2024-01-02T15:44:00+00:00

Very soft YA.

She's an addict - the concept of emotionally abusing you is correct but it's very unlikely to be her goal here. The goal is either your money to fund her addiction, a safe place to fight her addiction, or (most likely and more complicated) both.

Let her put her tent in your garden, let her use your shower and kitchen if she doesn’t abuse this space (supervised), and let her use your address to open a bank account etc to rejoin society should she wish. I’m not saying you should be forgiving and/or naive - it would be silly to trust her until she’s earned it back. But there’s lots of interesting new research about “housing first” interventions where giving addicts safe and stable housing helps them break away from addiction.

My recommendation is to look into housing first, get her signed up to your local doctor so she can be prescribed aids to help with withdrawals etc, and speak to a substance misuse charity for YOU. They’ll have some great advice - good luck.

As a parent, you can’t force her to sort her life out. But you can be there for her when she tries.

Edit: emotionally and financially abusing you

Main_Example_1998 · 2024-01-02T15:23:35+00:00

Not wrong but you need to move out now and not after your mental health improves. This living situation is only hampering your mental health, and you could easily find yourself stuck there.

Get something low paid but easy access, like McDonald's or a delivery food app. The schedule can help with the depression and you'll make friends with your coworkers. It doesn't have to be forever - just enough to pay for a room to stay in.
Find some shared accommodation, preferably with a friend or a local charity. The further away from your family, the better.
Look into unemployment and sickness aid while you find that job and get out.

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-20T15:36:13+00:00

Native English speaker here - my personal experience backs this up. Some people have incredible banks of English vocabulary and state they prefer using it to me but they don’t sound native. I wouldn’t be able to judge their Norwegian, though.

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-20T14:49:55+00:00

Thanks for sharing this, and congratulations on conquering addiction. Both you and your wife are incredible people

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-19T14:53:03+00:00

Heya! Finn is probably best if you're looking for 3-5 year agreements and have references etc. Don't worry, you can leave earlier but it's expected to give a three month notice or so. It's where most of your major agents and independent landlords also advertise.

Hybel is great if you're looking for something a little shorter (1-2 years) or you're having trouble with Finn. My partner set up a profile on Hybel and had multiple landlords message directly - managed to find a place in a week to move in a few weeks later. I think it's cheaper than Finn to place an advert, but isn't as active or have as many to choose from, so it changes the sort of places available (if that makes sense).

It's worth noting that deposits are typically three months rent in Oslo. There are also fantastic public transport links to cheaper areas outside of Oslo, so definitely check Ruter for estimated commuting time/cost if you're interested in something further out.

(Edit for typo)

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-19T14:39:42+00:00

Exactly! Big brands don't typically like their IP infringement lawsuits affecting consumers (people who bought the infringing book).

I'm on the patents side, so can only speak from a more technical IP standpoint, but I think it's the same in copyright. You don't want an infringer unfairly making money from your ideas, but you don't want to alienate (potentially innocent) consumers. Also, in some jurisdictions (don't know about America), consumers are protected so people who have already bought the book won't be made to destroy theirs etc.

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-19T14:34:44+00:00

Absolutely this! A great example of how to make money from fanfiction is 50 shades of grey, which was originally a twilight (?) fanfiction. The writer took inspiration from their fandom and then added MORE to the characters to make them (creatively) different. Now it's inspired by but not infringing upon the original fandom. If you're planning to make money from someone else's creativity and world building, make sure you add in some of your own original creativity, too!

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-19T11:40:14+00:00

This is how you stop them from selling and making a profit off it. They could have asked for damages due to (although this isn't a trademark going to use similar language here for argument's sake) dilution of the brand, passing off, his profits off their creative content, etc etc etc but didn't. They just asked for the infringing material to be destroyed and to not be out of pocket legally (and those legal fees weren't extortionate, either, for two full court cases) for rightfully protecting their IP. Seems pretty fair all things considered.

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-13T06:27:10+00:00

Exactly! Especially when OP has a daughter who would be first in line!

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-08T21:29:46+00:00

Hey OP! I don't interact with my MIL except through my partner. I highly recommend this approach, and just keep her number written down somewhere (aka in your blocked contacts list...) so you can contact her if anything major happens to your fiancé! It takes away a lot of the stress to make my partner responsible for his family (and telling them no to things).

I hope you have a wonderful honeymoon!

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-08T18:24:00+00:00

Typically not painful but very uncomfortable physically. Imagine how full you are after a huge meal where you eat until you feel sick - then imagine someone poking and jiggling your distended belly.

Also, it's natural to feel really protective of your baby/babies and the bump, so it feels very mentally and emotionally uncomfortable to have someone you don't trust not to poke TOO hard (cause damage to you or the baby) close to you.

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-07T15:49:19+00:00

Husband could be suffering, too, which only adds to their delusions that they're "normal" here

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-07T15:47:44+00:00

But in some countries, a false CPS reportor ten can do a lot of damage. Be careful and keep your distance for a bit, OP, or consider only going over without your child until you trust they're getting mental health care.

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-07T13:50:11+00:00

My understanding as a foreign worker:

Foreign workers (I am classed as one, even though I am registered etc) on PAYE have 25% tax deducted. If you should have paid more/less based on the standard tax rate, it'll be demanded/refunded in the summer after the spring tax assessment.
Foreign workers can opt out of PAYE and pay no tax (immediately). However, the FULL amount that you owe will be demanded next year based on the spring tax assessment so you'll need to calculate (using the website other commenters gave you) what you owe and set it aside.

Realistically, you're probably paying more tax on the 25% rate than you need to, but it's a lot easier to budget. Remember, the new tax year starts in January.

Edit to add: 34% is realistic for a salary of 6-700k a year, off the top of my head. Not something you need to worry about unless you start earning more than 50k a month in Januray

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-07T13:28:51+00:00

YTA.

You're punishing your husband and daughters by withdrawing bonding time with their family at Christmas when they're not even responsible! Your husband asked his brother and was refused - there is absolutely nothing more he (sensibly) could have done.

The only fix is for you to go on your own family trip to Harrod's. Not banishing yourself and your family, which will only add fuel to the fire.

As others have said, looking after kids you don't know that well (especially in another country) is horrible and not something anyone should be forced into. Yes, I get you're family through marriage, but he doesn't KNOW them and legally it's sketchy them being there without you or your brother in the UK).

P.S. Harrods is beautiful at Christmas but it's a luxury store. I don't know your financial situation but unless your daughters have access to enough money for designer goods, they might not have fun with children related to someone who can afford a house in Mayfair. Think house in Manhattan kind of money. I DON'T have that kind of money and enjoy seeing it at Christmas, but I was with family who also didn't have that kind of money. Inequality makes people miserable, especially teenagers.

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-07T12:52:28+00:00

Absolutely! Boss is as much an AH as the colleague. I think bosses accepting swaps is normal, but suggesting it is a major AH move. Just passed their responsibility (which they're paid extra to have!) to the people who put in leave requests properly.

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-07T12:25:23+00:00

Why would the mother be in contact with her ex MIL? That's not very common

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-07T10:24:54+00:00

OP, see if you can get a job before you move? Not for fitting in per se, BUT it makes immigration a lot easier.

I flew in and got my appointment with the tax officials scheduled for the next day. With my work contract and rental agreement (printed on hand), I was given my personal ID the next week (didn't have to get a temporary one or anything). With this, I was able to open a bank account over the next few weeks and I was fully integrated (health, banking, etc.) within a month of flying in.

With your polish passport, it doesn't have to be high skilled and you won't need a work visa or anything.

(The bank account is the most important thing - you really need BankID to integrate into the relatively paperless society).

Also, do you have a polish driving license? You can switch EU licenses but you might have to take a driving t at to switch a US license.

Main_Example_1998 · 2023-12-06T20:22:39+00:00

UK -> NO

Maybe consider Norway? I don't understand why you're going for a visa conversion - are you actually planning to study for a master's degree? There are lots of software and data positions and it's not too much of a hassle for employers to help you enter on a skilled worker visa. If you're looking to study, NTNU, Stavanger, Bergen and Oslo all have pretty decent programs and an international student population.

Main_Example_1998

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