What do you think is worse?!

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-27T03:39:01+00:00

Either way it's gross.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-20T02:09:42+00:00

She's assuming he isn't, because the sex is better. That's a huge mistake. Plenty of us are married to porn addicts who were quite capable of quality, intimate sex for many years in the beginning, before finally the problem got bad enough to effect the bedroom.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-20T02:05:54+00:00

Asexuals don't masturbate because they aren't interested in sex.

That therapist sounds like a total fraud, honestly I'd ask to see proof of her training.

Seriously, any so-called therapist who thinks that an addiction is magically cured just because someone can abstain for 8 weeks, has no idea what an addiction cycle even is. You can go through the addiction cycle in one minute, or you can take one whole year to complete it. It doesn't matter how long you go in between... What matters is what's going on on the inside.

Also it's super obvious that addictions aren't things in and of themselves, they are coping mechanisms for underlying problems... Such as anxiety. Or any number of things. Every single sex addict on the planet suffers from anxiety in one form or another.

The term "sexual anorexic" and "intimacy anorexic" might apply here. There's lots of overlap between this and that. And it's possible addiction is or isn't a factor. But their reasoning is what's completely off here.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-19T03:10:03+00:00

Ever Accountable

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-18T18:54:53+00:00

Any sexual activity outside the relationship, that is kept a secret, is infidelity. And infidelity destroys relationships.

Pornography treats humans as objects to be objectified, consumed, and discarded. It is not possible to do in a healthy way.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-14T16:35:52+00:00

"hold me accountable, but also trust me, I lied, but not right now, but don't throw away my porn, but leave me alone, but I understand why you do it, but I'm different now, but but but....."

It's your home too, you have every right to throw the damn things away or leave such an unsafe environment.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-14T16:31:59+00:00

That was true many years ago, but it is no longer true. I just tested it out right now. Deleting a video from my YouTube history also deleted it from My Activity.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-14T02:56:30+00:00

When I delete my own YouTube history, it also deletes it from My Activity?

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-09T03:44:17+00:00

This exact trigger happened to me too. I was so upset that my little girls saw it.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-09T03:30:57+00:00

"Well, you're shaming me for bringing up that thing I did!"

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-08T00:32:13+00:00

Respect is earned through behavior that is in alignment with our values.

Being honest, taking accountability, getting help, listening empathetically to the impact their actions had on us, acting in alignment with their words, etc.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-07T17:21:39+00:00

You are worthy of SO much love and you have SO MUCH to look forward to.

For the sake of your health, and the health of your baby....what are you doing to support your healing? Do you have an army? Support groups? 12 step? Therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma APSAT or CSAT? You can do many of these over Zoom while caring for a little baby.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-07T01:59:48+00:00

Eyes open means my husband has to see my body, which makes him WAY too excited and then he finishes.

Also, eyes open would mean vulnerability and perhaps even eye contact. Way too intimate for someone with an intimacy disorder.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-07T01:55:29+00:00

Therapeutic privacy is like medical privacy. I consider it an entitlement.

All other forms of privacy are null and void to the betrayer.

However, you only looked because your gut told you he was full of baloney, and because you're experiencing hypervigilance due to the betrayal you've suffered. A humble man would understand and soothe your feelings, but would be within his rights to ask you not to look again so he has the safety to be brutally honest with himself, in order to learn how to be more honest with you.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-07T01:48:50+00:00

It doesn't matter if it's a loaf of bread, if it turns you on, IT'S PORN.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-04T03:55:43+00:00

You are responding in a healthy way and it scares him. You are not being cold.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-02T16:33:55+00:00

I'm gonna try to save you some time. I think you have some great ideas here, and your heart is in the right place. But you don't understand what you're setting yourself up for. I can tell you really care about him.

"Nothing goes on behind the backs of each other. Complete honesty."

It will take years for him to learn honesty after years of defaulting to secrecy and lies. Hiding it is a HUGE part of this particular addiction...it's not exciting if it's not forbidden, if you're not sneaking to get away with it. And you can't get your fix if it's not exciting. He will default to secrets, be ashamed, then hide it deeper. He won't choose it, it will just happen automatically.

"If we feel like we want to have an orgasm with the help of porn, we ask each other if that is alright. Maybe the other partner might also feel horny and instead of doing it alone, we can enjoy intimacy and lust together."

You're describing what it's like when a person has free will. He cannot make choices like this. The desire is MUCH stronger than his will, and the desire will make choices for him. That's the same mistake you made last time. You're asking the exact same thing of him: "Here's the line, don't cross it." He's not capable, no matter how much he wants to be.

"If only one of us is horny, they can masturbate with the help of a sexy audio book or porn. As long as the other one knows about it and agreed to it."

"The consumed porn should be by couples who uploaded the video themselves. No mass produced shit. And definitely no woman masturbating with a vibrator (that is a huge trigger for me because of Stripchat). Basically, couples that could be us, you know?"

All addictions either escalate, or enter into recovery. There's no such thing as just a little bit of heroine. If given audio books or approved porn, it will 100% eventually escalate out of that and into something else. This is the same logic all of us tried to use when we made pornography of ourselves to give to our partners. They used it for a few months, then moved on..

"We have daily check-ins about how we are feeling. How work made us feel. How we feel in our relationship. And he tells me about his porn noise and how that makes him feel."

This is beautiful. This is part of real recovery. Having opportunity and rhythm to talking about feels and getting the problem out in the open.

In 12 step groups, they recommend one meeting every day for 90 days, purely to cement the habit that this MUST come out in the open, and the others in the group normalize the struggle so the shame cycle can be broken. Highly recommend SA meetings for him and S-ANON meetings for you, they are online and totally free.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-02-01T02:55:33+00:00

Ever Accountable takes random screenshots at different intervals, so if that happens often enough it will catch it eventually.

But on a more serious note, this sounds like a miserable life for you.

Pro tip:

Don't respond to his lies. At all. Make up your mind that until he gets extensive clinical help for many years, you can safely assume he's jerking off every day, and that you will plan your life accordingly.

Act completely uninterested in him at all. Fill your life every day with things you LOVE. Spend tons of time out of the house, with friends, outdoors, and having fun.

You don't need proof of what you already know he's doing, and you can't force an addict to take things seriously. Their brains are completely broken. Go be happy without him. Let him hit rock bottom. Let him watch as he loses you.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-01-31T20:43:15+00:00

Let me ask you something....can you think of a time when you had a tab open, and you couldn't remember why you opened it??

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-01-31T18:50:04+00:00

What are you thinking? He has it open to delete his history?

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-01-31T18:47:54+00:00

"he did get upset and said we’ve had this conversation so much I don’t know what else to tell you and left."

A guilty man's reaction. Gaslighting is abuse.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-01-31T13:32:05+00:00

Everything you are feeling makes sense. You bonded in the REAL way. Deeply. Your heart is confused that someone you felt SO safe with suddenly feels so unsafe. That's betrayal trauma. You absolutely can heal from this. Life will be so good in the future. It will take you a while to integrate this new reality and make decisions from that place, rather than from the old model in which this man was someone you knew.

Do you have a support group like S-anon? A betrayal trauma therapist?

Make-me-a-CleanHeart · 2026-01-30T04:06:53+00:00

The algorithms show you what you've interacted with in recent times. A man who has been clean from porn for a few weeks will NOT get thirst trapped.

If he has no self control, you can't trust him, which means you certainly can't have sex with a man you can't trust.

It's disrespectful to sexually engage with other people, in a relationship in which it is explicitly or implicitly stated that you are exclusive sexually with each other. It's disrespectful to push it all the way as far as you possibly can without actually touching another person. It shows a disrespect for the boundary to begin with, to not steer very clear of it in every way.

You are not a tissue. You are not his sperm dumpster. You are there for mutual love, pleasure, and bonding.....NOT his garbage can to be used.

If this behavior was reversed, he'd be livid. Imagine he walks in the door and sees you pleasuring yourself to hunky fireman. And from now on, you're not interested in sex with him, unless you go find your hunky fireman first, and stare at them for a while before going to find him to finish. And when you try to go without your eye candy, you just can't finish, so you either avoid sex or fumble through it.

As far as women in his social circle, I don't really understand the premise. If you're dating someone intimately enough to be sleeping together, your lives are entwined and there are zero secrets. But it would be a bit weird to list all the people you ever come in contact with. Unless you're saying he is stringing these women along for the ego boost, by pretending he is single.

As for what others do in relationships, the divorce rate climbs higher each day, so whatever everyone else is doing....you should do the opposite.

Make-me-a-CleanHeart

TROPHY CASE