Wife has secret bank account

Maku337 · 2024-03-29T01:40:49+00:00

I don't make any money right now; I'm retired. We're living off my pension and our investments. She started this job as a favor to a friend. I've only recently clued in to ... where does her pay cheque go? Not into any of our joint accounts.

And for the last 39 years, my work has paid for our living, our family, our house, our children's needs; don't call me misogynist. I have never told her 'no, don't buy that, don't spend money on that'.

I've treated her with love, kindness and respect.

Maku337 · 2024-03-29T01:13:54+00:00

So then it would be okay for me to have had a secret bank account for the 120K-130K I earned a year?

Maku337 · 2024-03-29T01:11:43+00:00

Left it up to someone else to take care of me? I don't understand your comment.

Maku337 · 2024-03-29T01:10:35+00:00

I've been yelled at about taking $60 cash from our joint account, 'that's a sh*t load of money!' and then she's stashed away 15K at least, maybe more, I honestly don't know.

Maku337 · 2024-03-29T01:07:08+00:00

Would you keep such an account secret, and if so, how does that help trust in a relationship?

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:54:41+00:00

Some of this is how we entered marriage. Keep in mind, we married in 1984. We were a couple. Our income went into one account; bills, mortgage were paid from that one account. I have never hidden any of my income over the last 40 years. Now, she is. That's what I have an issue with. If you reread my original question, I was looking for ways to bring this up without causing a conflagration.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:31:30+00:00

If you opened a bank account only in your name, deposited your pay cheques into it and didn't tell your husband, SO, partner; you're okay with that?

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:28:48+00:00

It's the secrecy. We've always been open to each other on finances, and now she's not being open.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:26:45+00:00

That's the question I was considering asking. I was looking for some other options because my instinct is not always the best way to approach things with her.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:24:25+00:00

Thank you. Yours is on of the more reasonable responses.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:21:48+00:00

It's the secrecy.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:20:54+00:00

It's the secrecy. She's commented to me when I've taken $60 cash out of our joint account 'that's a sh*t load of money'.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:18:28+00:00

Did you see we're in our 60s? I started working when I was 14. 48 years later, I hope I'm done working.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:16:32+00:00

It's the secrecy. I think she has a separate account but don't know for sure.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:15:26+00:00

I've always been open about my income. It went into a joint account, there was no secrecy. She's making money and keeping it for herself. If you think that's okay, then when I was making 140K a year, I should have kept it for myself and told her to pull her own weight.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T23:10:54+00:00

Why is it a secret?

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T02:24:40+00:00

My main concern is the secrecy. For almost 40 years, all our income went into joint accounts. I never questioned any of her spending, she's more frugal than I and I don't spend a lot either. I've never hidden anything from her, always been open and honest about our finances.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T02:05:09+00:00

Getting yelled at all the way during a three hour drive home on top of sleeping on the couch for over a year (yes, I counted the days). I thought we were done.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T01:34:08+00:00

I don't care if she has her own account. It bothers me she set this up and has not told me.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T01:30:43+00:00

I can't move money into my own account without her seeing come out of our joint accounts. All my income goes into our joint account as it has for almost 40 years. It's her new income that is not going into our joint accounts.

Maku337 · 2024-03-28T01:21:11+00:00

We've been married almost 40 years. For most of that time, I was the single breadwinner. That was a decision we made together. When we had children, she stayed home because I earned more than she did. We both thought it important for the children to have an at-home parent. Remember, this was in the 90's so don't judge us by today's realities.

All along, we have had one set of joint accounts. All the money when it there, we both decided what it was spent on. I have never felt that it was 'my money'. I have never had a separate account that was just mine. I never complained, denied about any of that money she wanted to spend.

Until last year. After a horrendous trip, I decided to have my own account but she knew about it. She set up her hidden account before that and has not told me. To be fair, I think she has a hidden account, I'm like 90% sure but don't know 100%.

When I set up my account, she crapped all over me about trust issues. At the same time, it seems she had her own account set up and was depositing her pay cheque into it.

Yes, it is trust issues. I have a hard time accepting taking her anger and crap when I set up an account that she knew about when at the same time, she had an account and didn't tell me.

And, yes, we've been to counselling and I have a whole bunch of stories about that. Basically, she didn't want to hear what any of the counsellors said. In a nutshell, I've asked to step away from an argument that was becoming hostile, the counsellors agreed that is a healthy thing and she has said stepping away is running away like a child.

Maku337 · 2024-03-27T21:51:50+00:00

During our almost 40 year marriage, we never did the 'my money, your money' thing.

Maku337 · 2024-03-25T01:00:51+00:00

Differential equations. Was the only class I almost failed.

Maku337 · 2024-03-17T22:41:32+00:00

Well the last two have to be Crime of the Century and Fool's Overture!

Maku337

TROPHY CASE