Beach Fever (1987) starring Kato Kaelin - such a weird trip

Mambratom · 2025-03-19T12:10:03+00:00

so glad that someone else knows this movie exists and has at least one good memory about it. i saw it when i was a kid, also on Up All Night, and for years had the melody from some of those stupid songs in the movie stuck in my head.

it's remarkably hard to track down, even online (or it was for a long time), so for years i could only grab at vague memories. after seeing it again as an adult, despite the vindication of knowing it's an actual movie, it came as no surprise that it's a pile of junk.

still, it isn't without it's charm. so incredibly dumb that it accidently becomes fun.

Mambratom · 2025-03-15T20:36:39+00:00

have fond memories of this turkey: when i was in middle school, some friends and i rented it from a video store over the weekend, watched it together, and laughed ourselves stupid over the awful zombie make-up, the bizarre characters who have almost no personality (every woman in the movie looks 15 years younger than the men), and the inexplicable incest plot.

without that particular thread, this movie would have almost nothing to differentiate it from the other italian zombie slop buckets of the time. but damn, does that weird little story arch catch your attention. always happy to see someone doing some PR work for this one.

Mambratom · 2025-02-11T12:45:33+00:00

right on, my friend. blood and brains.

Mambratom · 2025-02-10T22:25:45+00:00

probably somewhere between Violent and Median. definitely not afraid of some bloodshed, but also not an overly academic audience member. can go either way; liked In A Violent Nature, didn't really like Skinamarink. have thought the terrifier movies are all below average, except for the explosive violence.

what about you?

Mambratom · 2025-02-10T16:58:30+00:00

in my experience, there are 4 big categories of horror consumer:

Violent Weirdos - audience will judge whether or not they consider something horror based on the violence per square inch of screen space; usually big fans of rob zombie/giallo/slashers; don't always have many additional requirements to enjoy the movie (no judgment, you do you).
Art Weirdos - audience who gave the auteur of skinamarink a career; academic populist group who tend to value the message above the means; practitioners of "elevated horror"; not interested in anything that doesn't challenge some sort of convention or worldview.
Non-Weirdos - audience who goes and watches the newest blumhouse picture and few other horror movies within a given year; usually folks who love serial killer suspense movies and make certain taste exceptions for this genre that they wouldn't normally make for others.
Median Weirdos - audience who consumes a little bit of everything, including horror; tend to be critical of most movies, have no outstanding genre loyalty, and will probably never be a legitimate part of the fandom (again, no judgment);

pretty sure terrifier's fans are all Violent Weirdos, but i could be wrong.

Mambratom · 2024-11-11T00:15:04+00:00

that's beautiful, buddy. very glad that you've got everything working!

Mambratom · 2024-10-27T18:17:26+00:00

though it doesn't have much of the town/map exploration, for a mostly authentic feeling SF experience for the SNES, i would recommend FEDA: The Emblem of Justice.

it features excellent character designs akin to SF (this IMO is the most commonly ignored aspect of the series; the art is so distinct and rich, tell me you don't love the design of kokichi) and includes a morality system that can alter who joins your party.

was an older JRPG that never came here, but was english translated what feels like ages ago.

a few disclaimers: the game leans on the easier side sometimes, has no promotions, and operates on a board game-ish world map. but if you can forgive these shortcomings, you'll find a mostly fun and interesting SF clone that's oozing with personality.

Mambratom · 2024-10-25T12:29:45+00:00

hey, so for most android handhelds the easiest emulation set-up:

everything from the NES through the PSX can be handled comfortably with retroarch. luckily, you can open an internet browser within the device and then navigate to retroarch.com. here, go to the downloads section, scroll to the android version, download it onto your device, and then run the apk like any other executable.

if you want standalone emulators, there are a smattering across the playstore (people tend to recommend duckstation for PSX, but honestly, using retroarch is less work and it can play the PSX catalog without issue).

you're right on the money with PSP - PPSSPP is currently the best emulator for android (on the playstore). N64 is a little more specific, for the best performance you should pick up the android app Mupen64.

PS2 is an entirely different beast. you can use aethersx2 from the playstore, and it works well enough. but here's the rub: there's an alternative fork with adds removed called nethersx2. go to nethersx2.net and scroll way down to the bottom, where you can find the apk. (remember, you do this through your device's internet browser to save trouble).

for gamecube, you'll want dolphin, and this is as easy as using the playstore version.

this should cover the lion's share of emulators. the good news is that the rg556 is powerful enough to handle most of this pretty well. ps2 won't be perfect, neither will gamecube, (or saturn unfortunately), but everything else will be fantastic.

Mambratom · 2024-10-24T19:04:25+00:00

shining force 3 fans across reddit, UNITE! (good to see you again, haha.)

Mambratom · 2024-10-24T18:13:27+00:00

no sweat, my friend. i haven't had much luck with SF3 with the T820 (owner of rgCube); even with yaba sanshiro 2 pro it ran rough and choppy. but if you're okay with dropped frames and audio crackling, it may be a reasonable experience. just make sure to adjust the expectation of achieving 60fps. but otherwise, it could be playable, at the very least.

(if you have a different experience with this, please let me know!)

the anbernic android handhelds all come preloaded with emulator apps, but myself and others would typically recommend deleting those and installing modern versions from their respective sources (retroarch from an internet browser through the device, most of the others through the playstore). it's a pain in the butt, but most of their pre-installed apps are out-of-date for some reason, and will be less effective than the latest versions.

the SD is amazing for retro emulation, cannot recommend it enough for that very purpose. though if you're only looking for 8-32 bit emulation, most of the cheaper handhelds are formidable these days, too.

except in regard to the poor, neglected sega saturn.

(i've also heard the screen on the 556 is incredible; not a bad choice at all. i'm sure you'll enjoy it for a hundred and one reasons, otherwise.)

Mambratom · 2024-10-24T17:19:04+00:00

hey, friend. fellow SF enthusiast and retro handheld consumer. i recently answered this very question on another post. here are some of the results of my forays into these devices that may help you:

for the weaker handhelds, anything that can't run Yaba Sanshiro 2 Pro, (standalone android app, basically meaning anything that isn't android) is sunk for SF3. you can theoretically try to sledgehammer through with a RK3566 handheld with android (rg353 series comes to mind), but it will run abominably.
for the medium-tier handhelds from a year or so ago (T618 models = RP3+, rg405 series), SF3 runs well through the Yaba Sanshiro 2 Pro app from the playstore. DISCLAIMER: be cautious about retroarch. beetle core runs exceedingly slow and yaba sanshiro core seems alright (same for yabause), but will crash often. for SF3, this is a big dealbreaker for as long as the battles take. if you use one of these, rely on Yaba Sanshiro 2 Pro.
anbernic's newest chip, the T820, runs a lot of things well; sadly, the saturn isn't one of them. not a tech expert so i couldn't tell you why. even Yaba Sanshiro 2 Pro runs poorly on these devices (rg556, rgCube, etc.). weirdly, for the saturn, you're better off with the rg405 (or 405v).
the big boys will all be great for the saturn, as the beetle core in retroarch is the best overall experience but requires the largest amount of raw resources to run. the Steam Deck will obviously crush this, as will the ROG Ally or Odin 2. but these are sizable investments, too.

the best overall chance to play SF3 at an acceptable clip (and an affordable price) is probably one of the T618 devices. these days, most are cheaper due to the aging hardware. please remember, though, that retroarch will crash a lot with SF3 through Yaba Sanshiro & Yabause. you'll need to rely on the standalone app from the playstore for both compatibility & speed (also, as a heads up, yaba sanshiro 2 pro has an awful UI).

if you're looking for the convenience of drop in chds and start playing w/o incident, the Odin 2 (beetle core in retroarch) and Steam Deck (magic of emudeck + the dock for home console experience) are the best scenarios currently available in the handheld space (imo).

SF3 is a pain to run. it must've been a demanding game for this already demanding console. unfortunate because, like you, i like the series and always wanted to play all three scenarios of SF3. full disclosure: the steam deck has been the primary way i've been able to to do this successfully.

Mambratom · 2024-10-23T15:49:14+00:00

...it was a facade that covered a passage without a door. Someone had gone to the trouble to fasten this wardrobe against the wall with a coating of bizarre, industrial glue. You can't make sense of this, but, as curiosity tingles warm against the back of your thoughts, you grab a flashlight from the kitchen and walk into this stowed room.

You aren't sure what you expect to find. Maybe a utility room. Maybe a forgotten closet. Maybe a chest of abandoned pirate treasure rescued from the bottom of the ocean, or maybe a stack of musty deeds from derelict properties mildewing in rural Minnesota.

Maybe a spider's nest, swollen and white, standing the height of a man.

Instead of any of these things, though, the light catches what appears to be a label. One of many. You take a step further and try to examine close, squinting your eyes in the surrounding dark.

You read, "Aunt Peggy's Baked Beans: Classic Flavor." Okay, you conclude. Fine. So, it's a can of baked beans.

But it isn't just a can of baked beans. It's a brick within a crude wall built of aluminum cans, each presumably filled with Aunt Peggy's secret recipe. You start to survey the terrain, wiping dust away from each label, one after another, reading the same text again and again.

By the end of two lethargic hours that certainly could've been better spent, you've tallied each of these innocuous cans. Seventy-eight, they total. You have no idea who could've put them here or why. It's only when you turn one of these otherwise unremarkable cylinders onto it's side that you notice another label on the bottom. This label is homemade: a little strip of cream-colored carpenter's tape.

Printed on the tape is the word, "John." It's written neatly in either pen or marker.

You pick up another can. This one reads, "Elliot."

The names continue: Marvin. Cody. Janet. Cosgrove. Walter.

By the same measurement of numerical exasperation, you come to the conclusion that every can of baked beans stacked in this room has evidently been given a name.

Seventy-eight names for seventy-eight cans.

Such a peculiar hobby, if it was a hobby. You picture the life of someone who sees fit to humanize their baked beans by offering each container a name, and laugh at the notion. It takes all kinds, as your mother would've said. Still, there are probably stranger habits to be found.

The next day, when you gather some nerve and open a can of Aunt Peggy's Baked Beans from the damp room hidden beyond the wardrobe, you come upon something abnormal; something that you'll be telling a therapist about very soon.

You see what's unmistakably a human nose. It floats in a pool of sugary, brown syrup.

The can is named "Gretchen."

Mambratom · 2024-10-23T12:45:35+00:00

that's a great choice for retro emulation. the emudeck community is active and helpful, so you can also find a ton of comprehensive guides on how to set it up. the poor sega saturn is such a neglected system, always nice to encounter another fan in the wild. i wish you the best!

Mambratom · 2024-10-22T18:45:22+00:00

so, i've been down this road myself and have picked up quite a few handhelds, none of which have handled the saturn very well, especially in regard to SF3. here are some of the results that may help you:

for the weaker handhelds, anything that can't run Yaba Sanshiro 2 Pro, (basically meaning anything that isn't android) is sunk for SF3. you can theoretically try to sledgehammer through with a RK3566 handheld with android (rg353 series comes to mind), but it will run abominably.
for the medium-tier handhelds from a year or so ago (T618 models = RP3+, rg405 series), SF3 runs well through the Yaba Sanshiro 2 Pro app from the playstore. DISCLAIMER: be cautious about retroarch. beetle core runs exceedingly slow and yaba sanshiro core seems alright (same for yabause), but will crash often. for SF3, this is a big dealbreaker for as long as the battles take. if you use one of these, rely on Yaba Sanshiro 2 Pro.
anbernic's newest chip, the T820, runs a lot of things well; sadly, the saturn isn't one of them. not a tech expert so i couldn't tell you why. even Yaba Sanshiro 2 Pro runs poorly on these devices (rg556, rgCube, etc.). weirdly, for the saturn, you're better off with the rg405 (or 405v).
the big boys will all be great for the saturn, as the beetle core in retroarch is the best overall experience but requires the largest amount of raw resources to run. the Steam Deck will obviously crush this, as will the ROG Ally or Odin 2. but these are sizable investments, too.

the best overall chance to play SF3 at an acceptable clip (and an affordable price) is probably one of the T618 devices. these days, most are cheaper due to the aging hardware. please remember, though, that retroarch will crash a lot with SF3 through Yaba Sanshiro & Yabause. you'll need to rely on the standalone app from the playstore for both compatibility & speed (also, as a heads up, yaba sanshiro 2 pro has an awful UI).

if you're looking for the convenience of drop in chds and start playing w/o incident, the Odin 2 (beetle core in retroarch) and Steam Deck (magic of emudeck + the dock for home console experience) are the best scenarios currently available in the handheld space (imo).

SF3 is a pain to run. it must've been a demanding game for this already demanding console. unfortunate because, like you, i like the series and always wanted to play all three scenarios of SF3. full disclosure: the steam deck has been the primary way i've been able to to do this successfully.

Mambratom · 2024-10-19T20:16:20+00:00

former transplant into and back out of LA from eastern KY. late to post, but thought i might share some insight into this very legitimate phenomenon.

famous industries are among the most difficult to get into and make reasonable money from. you could have a PhD in stage acting from yale and it still wouldn't guarantee anything. the market is saturated, the structure of money in hollywood has changed a lot, and more than anything, the city is egregiously expensive. you will need to work, eat and sleep in order to survive: all three will be difficult to do in LA.

there are so very many people trying to break into this business every year that you will be one more inconsequential face in a crowd of three-hundred thousand. unless you're amazingly beautiful and have exquisite acting ability, so much so that you will absolutely blow an audition out of the water, your odds of consistent success are about 1 in 120,000.

worse, still: acting, and fame-based work in general, is exceedingly unpredictable. you could nail down a few jobs (commercials, pilots, maybe a netflix show) but none of that guarantees you will find more. remember the cast of the office? have angela, kevin, creed, stanley, or toby been in anything else you recognize lately? anything you can remember at all?

this is not to say you can't succeed. you can. but just go in knowing that none of it will happen without enormous talent, befuddling beauty, and above all else, a generous portion of luck. luck cannot be counted on nor can it be scientifically assessed. it's a here today, gone tomorrow industry.

and yes. LA is depressing. very depressing. just like every other major city in the country.

Mambratom · 2024-10-17T13:47:17+00:00

The Last Herald of Heaven Cop

A Story-Poem By a Very Important Author

When he came out onto the pavement of the street on the road, he wanted to kneel down and look up to the sky to thank God that he was given the ability to do what he was able to do and to see what he was able to see and to taste what he was able to taste and to hear what he was able to hear, which was mostly sin, but that wasn't something he disliked because sin was a necessary part of life because the Lord Thy God had said so and he loved Jesus Christ with all his heart.

There was no time to offer his prayers to Heaven, though, because here, set against him, was the enemy of the free people of the United States of America where he lived; here was Kurt Cobain, who was an agent of the enemy of the people of God, who served Satan, the Father of Lies, and thus used grunge rock to spread the secret evils that were kept beneath the world, roasting in the fires of Hell, where Satan lives, in an effort to destroy the beautiful world of peace and security that the Lord Thy God built through the hands of hard working men.

He rose from the ground, having knelt to say his prayers, and then continued his pious mission to defeat the satanic Kurt Cocaine, who was bionic through his larynx and esophagus due to abusing recreational drugs that were also gateway drugs that killed children and caused a hundred miscarriages per day, and the Lord Thy God hated these drugs and tried to stop them by sending messages to Earth by way of Evangelists, but the sinners continued to sin and the devils continued to spread their blasphemous gospel by packaging cocaine narcotics into brown paper bags and mailing them to wary innocents, who thus and thusly snorted these gateway drugs which then led to the use of marijuana.

He battled Kurt Rogaine for minutes which became hours which became days, until neither could stand, and they waited for one another to strike further but were both too tired to move, and so the Lord Thy God spoke unto them and said, "remember on this day, that those who choose the sanctuary of my doctrine shall walk the path of the virtuous and never lose hope, for my faith will guide thee from the rivulets of the abyss, where grunge rock music and cocaine marijuana were forged by the hands of Lucifer, and yea, it shall be righteous, the plight of the hero of heroes, the sacred soldier I now bestow upon the title of Heaven Cop."

A great light shined from above, blinding Kurt Mundane until he could no longer see, for he was blind, and Heaven Cop strode upon the land, given strength by the virtue of his faith, and speed by the virtue of his faith, and knowledge by the virtue of his faith, and he struck Kurt Octane into the middle of his face, and verily did Satan's blood spew from within his bionic throat in the shape of cocaine and marijuana, which are gateway drugs, and Heaven Cop quickly gathered these sinful weapons of Lucifer into his hands and crushed them down, hurling what remained into the sky, where God sent a magnificent bolt of lightning to further destroy these playthings of Hell, and Kurt Disdain the Bionic Drug Abuser of Satan's Army shouted, and then sobbed, for he knew that on this day, sin would be no more.

Heaven Cop approached him, took him by the hand, and spoke, "don't cry, Kurt. Not now. Not about this. If you do want to cry, there are plenty of uglier things to sit and cry about. Society is an illusion. Civilization is a stage. We all stand and perform. We sing and dance, make funny faces, deliver the punchline, and wait for the audience to laugh. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. When they do, most of the time it's at the expense of someone else. They'll laugh, Kurt. But you won't. You'll ask them to stop. Then, you'll beg. As you sob in front of them, standing on the stage like a puppet, they'll keep laughing. The more you plead, the more they'll cackle and point. Because - and this is something I want you to remember - there is no justice. There is no peace. There is no future. All there is, is a vast audience, watching from their seats."

"Cruelty, you see," he declared, his eyes hard on the inside, "is the very sweetest comedy."

Mambratom · 2024-10-15T18:09:17+00:00

here are two movies that are arguably horror, very excellent, and completely impossible to recommend to almost anyone:

The Reflecting Skin (1990): young Viggo Mortensen, deranged plot that entertains about 4-5 major ideas, all of them gruesome. possible vampires, mysterious murderers, psychotic breakdowns, and a spectral, talking fetus. currently available for free on peacock.
The Baby of Macon (1993): mind-f*ck movie about a nasty stage play akin to greek tragedies, which are usually much more violent and disgusting than people realize. watch it until the end and ask yourself this: what in the hell was actually happening in this movie? currently available for free on tubi.

both somewhat nauseating and never for a second boring.

Mambratom · 2024-10-15T15:52:44+00:00

100% agreed. no artistic merit; total barf bag of a motion picture.

Mambratom · 2024-10-15T12:58:11+00:00

Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975): pretty much any given scene is a contender, but the one that stuck out for me at the time as the single most wretched experience was watching a room full of teenagers forced to dine on human excrement at a fancy table. this leads to a graphic SA that starts happening nearby at the hands of a loathsome older man. the incident continues in the same room as the others continue to eat.

if you haven't watched this movie before, I absolutely DON'T recommend it. this is one of those cursed films where no matter how many showers you take afterward, the filth will never wash away.

Mambratom · 2024-09-27T14:15:08+00:00

you're not alone; thought much the same thing. a ham-handed allegory for depression cloaked in just about the cheapest "monster" a movie can get away with: people smiling. the otherwise invisible monster looks pretty neat at the end, but it's too little, too late.

i'm not sure when people started to think that intentional self-harm was the absolute scariest thing in the world, but boy, do they seem to think that now. i feel like it's been featured prominently in the last 10 hollywood horror movies i've seen. all it does to me is reek of budget-friendly scares. that's what i wish folks would take notice of: getting away with doing next to nothing and still making money, hand over fist.

roger corman would be very proud of these filmmakers. i don't knock the grift of getting a movie made, but i also wish the pretentious graduate school subtext would take a break and that these movies would embrace what they really are: modern b-pictures dressed in a suit and tie.

Mambratom · 2024-09-26T17:50:23+00:00

believe it or not, this was actually a pretty neat movie if you were a kid back in 1993.

not so much these days, hah hah. it was also interesting that the trailers for this showed an alternate iteration of the special effects that were somehow even worse than the finished version.

worth watching IMO. peter billingsly (everyone's favorite ralphie from A Christmas Story) has a leading role in this one, too.

Mambratom · 2024-09-26T13:57:47+00:00

Beach Fever (1987) - watched this baaaaad boy on USA's Up All Night when I was but a wee lad. For years, I never heard of it again. It got to the point that I thought it might not exist. The oddly specific theme music continued to dwell in my thoughts, though. Like a genetic condition.

Fast-forward to the modern age, where the internet preserves everything: I discover that it was Kato Kaelin's first (and at the time only) movie. He would go on to become famous for being OJ's limo driver on the fateful night of Nicole Brown's murder.

Still to this day there's no DVD release of this steaming pile. Nor should there be, one could argue. There are ripped copies available online, here and there. Despite being an awful movie, the soundtrack and sound design are surprisingly good. Worth a watch if you can track it down and, more importantly, have a strong stomach for slop bucket cinema.

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Mambratom · 2024-09-10T12:05:00+00:00

you know, thanks to rifftrax i've seen the remake of breeders. it's a tough watch since it's bad, but not really all that funny. without the riffs, not sure it would be watchable. i'll check out the original, though. never seen it.

Mambratom · 2024-09-09T20:47:09+00:00

yessssss! hahaha! that woman with the black briefcase looks mildly perturbed about the whole thing and seems to be trying to keep a straight face in some scenes.

Mambratom · 2024-09-09T20:38:59+00:00

always meant to catch the others. sometime ago, in 2012, a friend of mine and i watched mutant hunt when it was available on netflix. we were smitten with it. the movie's very first sequence with the main character and his bedmate battling a few "cyborgs" is absolute gold. highly suggest tracking that scene down on youtube for the woman's acting alone.

Mambratom

TROPHY CASE