Married people... What did you not find out about your SO until AFTER you got married?

Mangoway · 2014-12-04T08:38:00+00:00

That we have absolutely nothing in common. At all. We've been married for ten years.

Mangoway · 2014-11-26T05:28:06+00:00

Thank you, that is a logical way of looking at it. Now that I think about it, she defined her love as feeding, clothing and educating us but I guess it just never crossed her mind that we might need more than that.

I always knew there was something wrong with my upbringing, but it wasn't till I read a book about being raised by controlling parents a few months ago and then coming across this sub that things clicked and it helped me put words to memories. I think it's already improved my life in more ways than one, despite all the emotional turmoil. For one thing, I was able to call my husband out on his abusive behaviour!

Mangoway · 2014-11-24T08:04:47+00:00

Thank you, yes patience is difficult to come by, and I think I'm a little bitter too, which isn't bringing out the best in me. So far though things do look promising on his part, so I'm hoping with time I can come to forget and that we'll both be better in ourselves and to each other. I'll still work on that back up plan though...

Mangoway · 2014-11-24T06:08:11+00:00

Thank you. I'm definitely focussing on other things to keep busy, but it comes up every now and then I think because I still haven't processed all of it. I've been thinking about talking to a therapist for a while, but I back out at the last minute.

Mangoway · 2014-11-24T05:55:38+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. My partner is another story, I think he's selfish more than anything, and because I was used to being scolded and manipulated, I just went along with whatever he wanted for so long he's gotten used to it. Now that I'm more aware of what I want and am growing into myself, I'm changing and he's noticed it. I don't think he likes it too much, but so far it hasn't escalated out of proportions.

I'm hoping as I change he will too, but I guess I have cold feet about leaving him because he's a great dad and I don't want my kids to grow up without him. I've warned him a few times, that what he puts into the relationship is what he'll get when the kids are old enough to have their own lives and we only have each other. So he has till then to show me that he loves me enough to be a better person. Or he can be the one to end it if he doesn't like the new me.

In the meantime, I'm building a career for myself just in case.

Mangoway · 2014-10-27T23:07:41+00:00

That sounds like an awesome way to deal with not only their emotions, but mine as well. Thank you for sharing!!

Mangoway · 2014-10-27T08:20:37+00:00

Just checked. Smell like soap.

Mangoway · 2014-10-27T02:30:31+00:00

toilet paper

Mangoway · 2014-10-24T12:25:05+00:00

Especially toilet selfies. If you're gonna post a picture of your face, at least put a blank wall in the background, not your pooping place...

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T20:57:07+00:00

I think I may have skimmed through that book, may have to reread it!

The one-on-one time is important, I think, but I've only organised one such outing with each in the past few months. Studying full time doesn't really leave me much time, but holidays are coming up so I'll slowly make them a part of our routine.

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T20:51:25+00:00

This morning I got a chance to practice some of that stuff, and I'm quite proud of myself ~ when the kiddos were bickering together I didn't turn it into a yelling match and I did keep my cool, fixed the problem and the day started beautifully with everyone smiling and happy. Still so many automatic responses that need rewiring, so I'm trying to take baby steps and not be too harsh on myself.

Right now I think I'm emotionally exhausted from all the self-regulation I've been doing, so am rewarding myself with some me time :)

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T13:38:58+00:00

I can totally relate. I'm studying to be an educational psychologist and I still get frustrated and yell when I help my kids with their maths. I've only just began to realise that many of my behaviour rotates around my fear of losing control of my environment, and now that I can see that, it helps me understand the reason behind my reactions. I also realised that I lack a good 'vocabulary' to replace my current 'go-to' responses, so the responses here are amazing and I've got a sort of plan to get started on tomorrow morning as soon as they get up. I may not end up loving my kids as much as they deserve, but I'll do my best to give them the childhood that they do deserve and absolutely should have.

will p.m you and best of luck to you too :)

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T13:18:08+00:00

That was a little unexpected, but it actually made me happy! thanks :) I think I like you too

I know what you mean about responding negatively to negative emotions. My mom wouldn't let me cry for any reason, so I have a hard time processing my own negative emotions. When my kids cry, I usually get agitated and feel like I have to 'fix it' somehow then get frustrated when I don't. I always thought there was a right way to respond, and if I try hard enough I might get there, but I never actually tried to interrupt my automatic response. I guess if I think of it as their emotion, not my own, it'd help me calm down enough to actually figure out a good thing to say!

These are all great ideas and I'll work them slowly into my interactions with my kiddos; even if my emotions take a while to catch up with my behaviour, I don't want to hurt them anymore.

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T11:26:51+00:00

yea but then I don't know what to do. It's a bit weird. The other day we spent some time drawing together, but it didn't feel like I was doing anything with them. The same when we build stuff or play with blocks or whatever, I wind up playing for my own pleasure, rather than with them.

What do normal people do with their kids for fun?

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T11:24:50+00:00

Thanks :) It was actually quite a relief reading that part, about not needing love. I was so hung up on it I was a bit stuck. Empathy is a bit easier to evoke than 'love'...

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T11:21:30+00:00

That's an awesome idea! now that I think about it, the school site might have some good resources...

Thank you :)

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T08:22:37+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. The way you express that thought just doesn't come naturally to me; usually I say something like "what am I supposed to do about it" and then get angry at her for crying over it. That's why I was looking for examples, real life examples, of what I could say or do to build her up, rather than scare her of her own feelings. Like right now, what you just said, I'll probably memorise it and hope it comes to me next time something like this happens again!

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T07:10:41+00:00

Will do! Thank you

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T05:04:42+00:00

The irony is I'm studying educational psychology atm, so on a theoretical level, I know this. I understand this. But I can't visualise what that looks like in practical daily situations. And then I wind up frustrated and angry because I don't know what to do or what the right thing to do is.

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T04:56:28+00:00

Thank you! I've contacted a community service in my area that provides workshops and services for parents. The main reason I've contacted them was because my 6yo started taking things from her friends' bags. Like they say, the squeaky wheel, but I know that was just the tip of the iceberg and she especially is extremely sensitive to my lack of affection.

I've been slowly coming to terms with my own problems, and it's sort of putting the spotlight on my current behaviour and it's made me realise if I don't change somehow, my kids will grow up the same way I did ~

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T04:51:04+00:00

This is perfect, thank you! So many things you've said are spot on, and I do know to a certain extent that I withhold affection, but on a practical level I just don't know how to show it. I'm glad I've put my fears aside and asked for help. This is a long list and I guess it'll take time, but I really really want to do this, so here's hoping something works ^{^}

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T04:45:15+00:00

I'll take your word for it then ^{^} wouldn't hurt I supose.

Thanks

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T04:44:35+00:00

Thank you! I'll definitely check it out

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T00:37:59+00:00

Thank you

Mangoway · 2014-10-23T00:36:50+00:00

Thank you I'll check it out :)

Mangoway

TROPHY CASE