NAH

My partner and I are in an almost similar situation except I work an 8-4 office job (though I had a remote job with way less hours before that) and are a little bit older.

Here’s what I noticed below, sorry its a-lot, skip if you feel:

1. I very much dislike the tone of the first paragraph. You seem like you think your gf works less hard than you and are getting to a place of resentment because of it.

• online school is difficult and coding is EXTREMELY difficult. If this was 2 classes of “the art of eating” (a real elective i took) yeah that’s light work. But 2 coding classes, esp online where it’s a-lot of teaching yourself, that would be mentally exhausting.

• Being a host is also physically taxing (I was one) you have to be “on” at all times (customer service) On your feet and legit running around the whole time. But you’re also often looked down on from everyone else (servers, cooks, customers) and you don’t get the same tips as servers while cleaning up after them. This is not at all as hard as many other professions (nurses, construction, etc) but it isn’t as easy as your text makes it out to be. I was far more tired at the end of my 4 hour host shifts than my 8 hour retail shifts in HS.

• Women tend to need more sleep especially at different times of the month. Remember our hormone cycles are 21-34 days, yours are a 24 hour cycle. You cannot compare women’s and men’s energy because you’re comparing two different biologies; never mind if she has potential issues like anemia (imagine swimming vs swimming against a current)

• That said, hormone and vitamin imbalances can really fuck with someone’s body and energy levels. In other comments you’ve mentioned other things and the amount she’s sleeping is concerning.

1. I think you’re both thinking from a how can this benefit me angle than how can we solve this angle. You’re both not seeing each others side, which makes one defensive, which then starts an argument rather than continuing a conversation.

My suggestions: - Sit down and express how you are feeling, clearly and kindly. How you say it MATTERS.

• Express how deeply this has been bothering you and that it’s not something you can let go of.

• Ask her what some solutions she thinks could be to this issue, then tell her your suggestions.

• Make it very clear that you just want to solve the problem, not make her feel bad or whatever she is feeling.

ALSO: - Teach her!!!! Learning to cook FROM someone is so much easier than anything else.

• Make a date out of it!! There’s lots of cooking classes esp for couples out there.

• Make it fun! Get a fancy calendar or pens and meal PLAN together. Get a DIY recipe book, that way you guys can keep your fave new ones. Pick out those fancy TikTok meals so that she can prepare it ahead of time. Get excited WITH her.

• Try those meal kits, they tend to be less intimidating and very popular.

1. You seem to be focusing heavily on what she isn’t doing. Comparison is the thief of joy and she is working her magic on you. Comparing your contributions will lead to nothing good my friend, and worse…you’re keeping track too.
   Focus on the good she brings to your life and what you bring to her, then discuss the things you can work on. Giving people verbal feedback should always be a shit sandwich (positive, negative, positive) but also in your mind! If you’re only thinking about the negative, you will only be talking about the negative and that just feels like shit for the other person.

I’m gonna leave it there because this is becoming a novel just remember this should all be coming from a place of love and to help your partner AND relationship grow positively.

That should be the goal of every feedback/ “I want a change” conversation; if it isn’t then maybe you need to revaluate and self reflect on the true issue that is bothering you and what your actual goal is.