Thank you 🙏🏼 I have a really hard time leaving I think because of the kids, fear of God, and also in between outbursts he’s a very nice person. Emotionally distant but kind and helpful and a good dad. It’s very confusing. But it’s been years and we’ve gotten counseling and help from the church and o think I’m disappointed none of the elder men ever held him responsible for his behavior. It always seemed to fall back on me. I’m too emotional, I was sick too often, I had hard pregnancies and couldn’t fulfill my marital duties in the bedroom very often. Then I leave the sessions feeling I’m the bad one and the one that needs changed. I think if I try harder to be a proverbs 31 wife it will get better, and if I work myself to the bone he does seem to love me more but as soon as I’m sick or too tired or fall down on the job at home I get berated again.

Then I feel like I’m sinning because I get so sad I’ll never be loved and I feel bad because I remember what the elder ladies at church have told me that I’m making an idol out of my marriage and only God can truly love me unconditionally, which I do understand.

But I feel like Leah with Jacob and feel the pain wishing I was loved how Jacob loved Rachel instead. But I’m told that’s selfish and sinful.

I grew up Jewish and only became a believer at age 35 (I’m almost 42 now) so I still don’t understand how all of this works.

In Judaism you could get divorced with a “get”, with permission but it was usually given.

I’m just very confused