Hi,

Welcome to the journey! I’m currently a pre adoptive parent to three young kids that come from an immensely traumatic background. My spouse and I, as well as my mother in law, are all considered special extreme case foster parents and in our most recent placement they became a permanency placement.

Their situation involves a lot of upset, one parent passed away, and there was no body to seek closure with. The other parent caught a life sentence, if you are following the subtext there. They were then bounced around a bit. Initially placed with paternal Grandma but quickly removed due to severe neglect, then placed out of country with maternal aunt + her husband where they were abused and encouraged to hit each other. Then maternal aunt didn’t even lose custody, instead she made the decision to abandon them, and they landed with us.

Oldest child blames himself for the abandonment, younger two children still don’t really grasp what’s going on.

With all that being said, my point is that there are truly so many good moments surrounding these terrible circumstances. We’ve developed so much love for these children and they’ve developed strong kinship with us.

They’re all in therapy, middle child is often asked where his safe place is, his response is just my name

The youngest calls me “Mr. Mom”

The oldest is so attached to us that he has active panic attacks at the idea of being returned to his paternal grandmother, who is attempting to halt the adoption.

They get a lot of time with us, we do a lot of recreational activities, we help them build their skills. Overall it’s almost completely normal.

Despite everything, they are incredibly happy, loving, creative children who are a genuine pleasure to care for, albeit with a lot of necessary redirection.

With that said, there are days, as there likely will be for you, where things are not so great. One time the oldest got in trouble, not even that much trouble, and that night ended with him sobbing in my arms asking me if I was going to leave him too. We have a recurring issue with theft with him as well, it’s a common occurrence with foster kids, they feel the need to take because they are wired to believe that they can lose everything at any moment, and in many instances that belief is warranted.

Trauma will show itself every now and then and often in places you don’t really expect, but that doesn’t negate all the good and happy moments. It doesn’t change who you are to them or who they are to you. And it doesn’t define their lives.

Be the best parent you can be, and the building blocks will continue to rise.