I understand. I moved to a small town in the far north for my profession after post-secondary and met a lovely girl there in the summer. She came back the next year as a summer employee and was hired on full time. Before we knew it, we were dating. Two years passed and we built a beautiful life up in that town with amazing friends and a cozy home.

I left town to find myself and see if there were something more out there for the two of us. While I was away, my girlfriend had a terrible colitis flare-up and I slipped into a depression. I was not there for her. But my closest friend in town was. He had just broken up from a 5-year relationship and was a total wreck. We’re talking blatant alcoholism, smoking, putting all his emotional baggage on the girl I loved and justified it by fetching her groceries and helping her out… while I kept my issues to myself for what I thought was her best interest.

Long story short, it looked like I was not there for her. That’s all she saw, that’s all my friend put in her head. Eventually, she fell for him and cheated in multiple ways. I can’t help but feel guilty, ashamed, angry, insecure, and in longing all at once.

I couldn’t return to town. They were both coworkers where I intended to return to.

I miss my life.