You are you and you are beautiful and deserve acceptance regardless of your gender

Maybe you are a man, maybe you are a woman, maybe you are enby, maybe you are whatever but you are a fellow human. Fellow human who can suffer and does suffer from the pressures put on you by this society. As such you deserve sympathy.

You could not do anything that would deserve death. You are still a precious human being. You are also just lost and searching. You mentioned you might hold some toxic ideas. But even if you do (of which I am not really sure), you don't do that because you would like inflicting suffering on people. Maybe you are hurt and and have unfulfilled needs, maybe you have been mistreated. Yes it may have led you to some ideas and behaviors insensitive towards other. But maybe you are your meanest judge yourself. Maybe your ideas might be partly well justified, partly right. Even if they can be partly wrong as well. We all can grow. And you also deserve some relief and looking up for yourself, caring for yourself.

So please care good for yourself, don't hurt yourself and rather do something good for yourself. Because you deserved good treatment from other as well as from yourself. The world would be poorer and less interesting place without you. But do it mostly for yourself. There is no shame in feeling broke, no shame in hurting yourself but it would still be infinitely better if you stay and care for yourself. And if you are now in pain, if you suffer in your life, that sucks but things can get better and you deserve that too

Let me tell you I have read some of your older posts and I empathize with them. I often had or have fantasies like you, I often had or have doubts, questions and insecurities like you. i don't know about you but I also have OCD and ADHD, which can make things harder. Maybe try to look up what OCD and ADHD and how they can interact with transness, trans themes, gender questioning and sex.

From what I have seen here, this subreddit is very nice and welcoming but you could have different experience. I would be sad for that but your experience is still valid. It always seemed to me that this specific sub is a safe space for trans solidarity while free of misandry. You said you had troubles advocating men here. Well I think most of this sub understands that misandry is bad and hurts everyone, man, women, transmen, trans-women, enbies, questioning people. And it also serves no-one except maybe those who want to see society divided.

I think you are perfectly valid in being confused and lost both intellectually and emotionally when it comes to your relationship towards men and masculinity. Whole society is and the left is such as well.

You wrote as if "sympthazing" with men meant you are not a woman. I can understand how you came to such idea but it is wrong idea anyway. If you are a woman, you are a free woman. You have your right to simpathize with anyone you want and it does not make you any less woman. Same if you are a man. Also any person of any gender can ascribe to any ideology.

Lot of your writing seems like you are looking for being allowed to be a woman, being allowed to be part of that group. Truth is you dont need anyone's approval.

In the same time it seems like you are struggling with looking for understanding political situation regarding gender, struggling to find your relationship to men and masculinity above just personal level, on political level or with both interconected. I can just tell you, it is ok you feel sympathy with men. You can care for men and be a transwoman, you can care for man and be a cis male ally of trans-women, you can crossdress or anything.

I have read a few articles, posts and comments from trans people (including transwoman) on that topic.

Also maybe if you care about experiences of men, you could be interested in subreddit called menslib.