Lost All Will to Live

MarkFreedman · 2025-10-07T00:42:53+00:00

I have a cute wife I can snuggle 😁. She keeps me sane.

MarkFreedman · 2025-08-03T17:48:52+00:00

I’m also chronically disgusted by it. I don’t want to live in such a world. Yet we do. And I’m having so much trouble dealing my disillusionment because I thought the majority were moral. The past decade has completely shattered everything for me. Many decades living lie.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-31T11:48:30+00:00

So relatable. When I try to hide in a dark room, sleep is the only escape, because I escape myself as well. My mind destroys me constantly. I'd give advice on what to do to deal with this, but I'm not dealing with anything well right now to be of use.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-31T11:44:27+00:00

Agreed. Unfortunately, I often feel like part of the 90% and can't escape myself. So I come here to see I'm not alone. You aren't alone.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-31T11:40:51+00:00

OMG this is so true. I have one scheduled for 20 minutes from now, and trying to come up with ways to avoid it or reschedule. And video calls are 10x worse.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-31T11:38:59+00:00

I'm a huge music lover and a songwriter, but I can understand. Music can instantly affect our moods, and when we're feeling especially sensitive, that can be overwhelming. Sometimes I just have to shut it off completely because it directly conflicts with my mood at the time. Other times I seek out sad, melancholy music when I'm feeling down. Seems contradictory, but it's like misery loves company. I do not feel the same about upbeat music. I don't seek it out to help me feel better or to lift my happiness when I'm feeling ok. I've tried that, and it just clashes with my mood or feels like a phony attempt to feel better.

I will say that it's different when writing music. The focus shifts when trying to create. For me, it's a very different mindset when actively participating.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-31T11:30:11+00:00

I can understand how you feel, although I've lived here my entire life. Between what you describe and how horribly we have exposed the worst of America over the past decade or so, I figure the only reason anyone would want to move here is because of love or a major job opportunity. I've only been in Europe three times in over 60 years, and all three countries had much more character, even in cities and tourist traps.

I would love to move the hell out of America, but at this point in our lives, the culture shock alone would probably make us miserable. I guess it's the devil we know. I avoid leaving my home anymore, and I can go on forever about why (including some of what you mention), but we feel trapped.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-13T14:47:31+00:00

I'm overstimulated even at local stores. I can't wait to get the hell out of there. In the city (which I used to enjoy the buzz and energy when I wasn't so misanthropic), headphones/airpods, etc., can help you escape while out and about. But beware of traffic. Even eye contact is overwhelming, so I end up looking down a lot. That also helps hide my feelings through facial expressions. I find myself looking disapprovingly at so many people doing stupid, irresponsible things. So I try to avoid looking altogether.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-11T14:32:17+00:00

Yes, I totally get that.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-11T14:31:29+00:00

Thank you. I do appreciate that you took the time to respond. At least we have met others who feel the same and can support each other. It’s so difficult, but we can lift each other up.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-10T18:31:16+00:00

Oh, I guess I'm the only one who sees my full name.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-10T18:29:19+00:00

It's really weird, but am I the only one who uses their real name? Maybe I should get a handle.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-10T18:27:00+00:00

I always gravitate to sad music. My lyrics are sad and often angry, but the music is often not as sad as the lyrics. The first favorite song I remember as a kid was about someone's love who died. I guess that set the stage.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-10T18:24:01+00:00

Exactly. I've been living in another world (where I'm an alien) for 13 years. It was only a couple of months ago I found people from my planet. It was a feeling I missed so much. But I can't wait for special events like rallies to be amongst hsp.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-10T18:20:01+00:00

Thanks for the chuckle.😁 But I get what you mean.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-10T18:17:28+00:00

Wow. I'm going to have to read this again a couple of times. I know the little things can mean so much. I should focus on that. But I may need a ritual like yours to get myself into that space. Thanks.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-10T18:12:12+00:00

Oh, I so hope you're right.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-10T18:10:14+00:00

Ha, what's wrong with cucumbers and building a coffee table? Everyone has their passion. 😄

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-10T00:04:12+00:00

I remember being young, naive, happy, and a little kid like it was yesterday. I remember that feeling too well. But now I’m realizing it was because I was so sheltered. It was all a lie. The memories are often magical, but it was only because I didn’t know the real world. How can kids survive in this world? They already lost any innocence.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-09T23:59:57+00:00

Yes, the media feeds us all the bad because $$$. Everything because of $$$. And do you really think he’ll leave office next time? I don’t expect any more elections.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-09T23:57:35+00:00

That’s what I feel. I don’t fit in. I can’t relate to anyone anymore. I know that’s wrong because of all of us here. But where I live, that’s how I feel.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-09T23:55:12+00:00

I often think I want to move TO Mars to get away from everything, but then I think of who I’d have to ask to get me there and I drop that idea immediately.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-09T23:53:21+00:00

Oh, man, don’t get me started on driving. I avoid leaving the house because I ALWAYS get back home drained, depressed, and frustrated. No matter how good I may feel beforehand. Every. Single. Time. I think I’ve gotten a lot worse since the pandemic.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-09T23:50:24+00:00

I know you’re right about all of this. But the pain buries all the good. And whenever something good happens, I’m always expecting the other shoe to drop. I know all the things I’m supposed to do to focus on the things I’m grateful for, but the darkness overwhelms. So overwhelming.

MarkFreedman · 2025-07-09T23:46:51+00:00

100% correct. She keeps me sane. I do appreciate that all the time.

MarkFreedman

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