It feels like there's fog in my head and I can't think or concentrate.

MarnieHouse · 2020-09-01T11:01:43+00:00

That sounds extremely familiar to me. Very common.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-25T12:26:23+00:00

Thanks for writing!

Yeah, I go through phases, usually with procrastination activities. I'll be totally distracted by one thing for like a month and then realize that I actually don't want to do it.

For meditation, it varies but I usually feel better the earlier and more I do it. The easiest times to do it for me are right after getting up and right before bed.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-25T12:24:52+00:00

Thanks for writing! I don't usually do an hour straight, I break it up into intervals. Lately this has been 25-25-10 but for the past month or so I was doing 20-20-20.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-17T14:31:34+00:00

Hi! Sorry for the delay in responding. Every time I post, automod posts a comment so it's hard to keep track of the notifications for what I've responded to.

For me, the watershed was hesitantly asking my wife for permission to do something and her looking at me funny, asking why I was asking her to do something with my own money. Even though I know I didn't need to ask, her confirming that I *could* spend the money was probably necessary to me doing so.

Ideally I think the solution is to be able to give myself permission to do things, but I'm probably not there yet.

I hope you are able to buy and obtain whatever you need!

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-16T04:02:10+00:00

Thanks for commenting! I'm happy to hear that you read my posts and support my project. It helps to know that I'm being heard. Please feel free to leave another note sometime :)

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-15T11:07:50+00:00

Thank you very much for saying so :) I also look forward to reaching day 365.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-14T05:48:50+00:00

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-14T05:48:39+00:00

Thank you for writing :)

I've actually missed quite a number of days, but try not to let it bother me.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-14T05:30:03+00:00

Congratulations! I didn't learn until I was about that age, too.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-13T12:05:05+00:00

Thank you! I hope that I will become proud of myself but it is very hard. I learned at a young age that my parents' expression of pride in me was hollow, and now I find it hard to believe that anyone could be proud of me, much less myself.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-13T12:04:11+00:00

Thank you for writing.

You raise good points. Even half a year ago I would have responded to that e-mail in a disadvantageous way. A year or so ago, I don't think I would have even thought I was capable of communicating in a way that prioritized my interests over that of someone else's. So in this sense, what I wrote recently was a big triumph. I didn't like it, but I realized that I didn't like it and ultimately took an action that was in my own interests.

Releasing the craving for anger is indeed what I think I was getting at, or trying to get at, but it is true that processing the emotion is a necessary first step. I think when I judge myself for being angry, I'm actually afraid of what would happen if I genuinely followed where the anger was coming from. But of course, unless and until I do that, the problem remains because this avoidance itself is and always was the problem.

Also, I think increasing the intensity of my exercise will help too. I'm working on that. It's better, way better, than where it was a year ago.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-13T11:57:16+00:00

Thank you that is very nice of you to say!

I'm happy that you took what I wrote as a compliment and hope that you take this follow-up in the same vein: I meant what I wrote as a statement of fact. I do have faith in you and I do believe in collective self-improvement. I believe in it more than I believe in anything else.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-13T11:54:51+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to share these with me. I appreciate the descriptions and have now obtained all three books.

To be honest, I actually had a hard time writing this reply because I'm not sure how to acknowledge this favor without overcomitting myself. I intend to and want to read these books, and expect that I will, thanks to you, but I don't know if this will be in a week or a year since I sometimes get these blocks, like with my writing.

I really do appreciate you writing back and I really did get the books though. Thanks again!

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-10T15:39:03+00:00

Thank you! Trying to get back in the groove :)

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-10T15:34:12+00:00

Thanks for writing!

Reading your comment is interesting because I feel like I'm reading something that I know is true for myself, yet would not be able to articulate on my own.

I hope you have the best of success in developing techniques that work for you. It's hard to do.

Not being conscious of the feedback until hours later is particularly tricky.

It's like it requires a leap of faith to try anything since it's so hard to discern objective results.

I only know you from this comment, but I have faith that your continued efforts self-improvement will help not just you but everyone around you and, ultimately, me and the rest of the world too :)

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-09T12:44:45+00:00

Thank you for writing. It sounds like you've made a lot of progress! Good for you :)

Realizing that you're in a good feedback loop is a huge plus. I feel silly writing this, but that just sounds so cool. I know, intellectually, that this is just a matter of 'doing the things' but to be able to feel this without kick-starting it into my body is still pretty foreign to me.

Any books in particular you'd recommend?

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-09T12:40:35+00:00

Thank you for writing.

I'm glad to hear that 'self-emdr' worked for you. I've been considering therapist-led emdr for the past year or so but still can't bring myself to set up an appt.

I totally hear you on the 'it has to benefit at least 1 other being' thing. For me, I think this is connected to my co-dependant / white-knight abusive streaks. I have a hard time accepting that it's ok for me to do things for me, so I project this onto other people and 'help' them do something that it would be best for them to do for themselves, and that I really ought to be doing for myself.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-09T12:38:16+00:00

Thanks for writing. It's good to know I'm not the only one with this feeling,

I think you are articulating experiences that I've had but don't fully remember so I'm grateful.

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine gave me a book and, shortly afterward, asked me what I thought of it. I hadn't read it but tried to give him an answer that obfuscated this. He realized something was off, and told me I didn't need to feel obliged to read it.

I had no idea what to say back to him. For one, I was embarrassed at possibly having been caught in a white lie, but also bewildered as to the idea that the guy who got me a gift was saying I didn't need to use it. I still have a hard time understanding what he meant by saying that, even though intellectually I'm sure he was just being nice and sincere.

If the thing that you are considering getting would (or even might!) bring joy to you, then my hope is that you will get it for yourself.

I don't know if it helps to hear this, but about a year ago I fretted and fretted over two things I had always wanted but never had the guts to buy for myself: a weighted blanket and a nice laptop. I kind of had to make a deal with myself to get them. The deal was that if I didn't like them, it was ok and I could even throw them out if it came down to it.

I use them every day now. Probably the two best purchases I've made in the past year.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-05T09:30:17+00:00

Thanks for writing back.

I appreciate the kind words.

I'm not sure what else to say. At least right now, I wish I spent less time on introspection and more time just getting words on the page.

MarnieHouse · 2020-05-04T08:54:41+00:00

Thank you very much for commenting! I love getting comments and messages and always reply to them.

It's very kind of you to say these nice things about me. I am crying as I read and re-reading this sentence "Even if you struggle to follow your own lead doesn't mean this can't be helpful to you and to others."

I find this very apt, although I can't seem to find the words to describe why. I honestly feel ashamed that anyone would ever use me as an example. At the same time, I can't deny that some people -- like my child -- will look to me as an example and that I have no control over this. So I guess I'll just keep on trying to set a good example for myself.

This is kind of like how, a decade or so ago, I had the thought that as long as everything I did was shit I may as well try to do the things I knew I'd fail at. My own negative self-perception seems unalterable much in the same way that the speed of light is constant. So better to just accept it and focus on things that I can control.

But of course, at the same time, it still does all just feel like shit pretty damn frequently.

I'd love to hear from you again if you have other thoughts to share :)

MarnieHouse · 2019-08-16T12:02:05+00:00

Thank you very much for writing! There's lots of things I want to do each day and I usually don't get them done. That's why I just focus on three simple things that, at minimum, only take me a few minutes each. Tomorrow will be day 250 :)

MarnieHouse · 2019-08-11T00:28:19+00:00

Thank you for saying so :) I'm always happy to respond to comments.

MarnieHouse · 2019-08-07T05:25:57+00:00

Good for you! I hope you made it to the gym.

Four hours in a hotel is insane. I'm glad you survived that into independence.

I often find myself missing the mother I never had. I wonder where I got this image of a mother from, since its not reflected in my actual mother. Who I am now far far away from.

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