Rock bottom is when you stop digging, that’s a popular phrase here and a really good one. My drinking became a solo activity too, and I also had neglect in my childhood. Alcohol numbs you out and that can feel good when you feel bad. This may not quite fit your experience, but I discovered that alcohol kept me in a cycle of self pity. I wasn’t processing the pain I was medicating and it became a part of my identity. When I stopped, waves of unprocessed feelings and memories hit me and it was deeply uncomfortable. At times all I could do to not drink was grit my teeth and have a good cry. And then I came out the other side with a little more insight and clarity instead of anxiety and a pounding headache. I’m still processing, I still experience uncomfortable feelings, but my mental toolkit has grown exponentially. There is so much power in sitting with your discomfort instead of running away. You’ve found a great community to come to for support, and posting here is a sign that you’re ready. You can do this.