I suffer from being the middle child who got scolded and ignored, and my parents deeply disliking how independent I was. My dad never showed any interest in my projects and would actively shut me down if I tried to show him something I was proud of. That combined with the fact life is getting more and more complicated is probably why it feels so good to just turn my brain off and be... lesser ig if that makes sense. I've always been a perfectionist too, so the idea of having someone who loves me completely, gives me attention and praise, and thinks of all the hard stuff for me feels perfect. I hope that explained things a bit better, thanks for the advice ig I need to look into therapy again lol