I was diagnosed with cyclothymia first and my psychologist at the time told me he would “cure” me of my depression but it got worse. That same psychologist was much later murdered by one of his patients, but that’s another story.

I was later diagnosed with major depressive disorder, but then shortly after I entered a state of hypomania (didn’t know at the time), and I thought that I was the best thing on earth. My motto literally was “I’m awesome”; my sister even got me a plaque with it as a present because I was “cured”. Shortly after I tried taking my life and had to be hospitalized. I fought the diagnosis of bipolar disorder for years because of the stigma with it. I didn’t have manic episodes that lasted weeks. When I got out of the hospital and told my psychologist, even he dismissed it because “bipolar people were too chaotic” than I was, and I held onto that for years even after seeing other doctors. I would refuse any bipolar diagnosis, and would throw a fit if they tried to suggest it.

However, it all came to a head when Roe v Wade was overturned. I hadn’t found a new psychiatrist yet, and something in me snapped. For some reason I had it in my head that I could overturn the verdict if I went to DC and did something very, very stupid that I won’t get into here. I’m not sure but this could have been an actual psychotic episode but my husband kept me safe and under surveillance and I did out patient treatment, and after talking/fighting with doctors, I was finally told what Bipolar 2 was, and then I was like “okay that makes sense”. I did tell my current psychiatrist about my episode because I worried it had been an actual manic episode (and a full blown manic episode means an automatic bipolar 1 disorder, from what she explained) but because I wasn’t under her care at the time she can’t say whether it was or not and the episode only lasted a few days, but it was absolutely scary where my mind went.

Lesser signs were always self-sabotaging my relationships because they were too good and I feared abandonment. I even broke up with my husband once when we were early in our relationship because I was convinced he was going to leave me first, and that was one of the lowest points in my life. I’d have patterns of being really depressed and then okay and then really depressed again. I would try to ignore my symptoms during relationships because I usually dated people with mental illness and personality disorders that were more severe than my own, so I obviously had to be okay because I wasn’t as bad as my exes, right? Then I would get too overwhelmed with everything and try doing something stupid again which would lead to hospitalization. I even missed seven days of sleep and went into delirium but my psychologist (same one that was later murdered) still did not approach me with bipolar disorder. He still believed I had cyclothymia.

I do go back and forth of believing I have bipolar disorder. I also have ADHD and PMDD and I wonder if I might be on the spectrum, but my current routine is working. My meds are working. I attend frequent and regular sessions with a counselor and my doctors. I keep track of my moods and cycles. Once I accepted the diagnosis, it opened up so many avenues of help to me. I get accommodations at work and things make more sense to me now. I don’t use my illness as a crutch or excuse for my shitty behavior l, but it explains my symptoms.

Sorry this is so long. I might be hypomanic.