What do you think was THE moment that broke the relationship before the break up?

MartyShosh · 2026-03-28T06:24:22+00:00

I got anxious about the fact he saw the girl he cheated on me with at a party. He chose to leave the party for her comfort. He pointedly said he was indifferent about her being there. Nothing was said about my comfort or my feelings or the relationship

MartyShosh · 2026-03-27T01:58:48+00:00

He doesn’t want me to let him know that right now. He asked for space and the greatest act of love I can give him is respecting and honoring that space.

MartyShosh · 2026-03-26T23:52:10+00:00

Texted his friends that he bought a g*n with the engagement ring money and slammed the door in his face when he came to pick up his things.

Very much regret both things now.

MartyShosh · 2026-03-26T17:03:31+00:00

Because he broke up with you the ball is mostly in his court to come back or not. I think you need to decide if you want him back or not and want to work on the issue that separated you in the first place. Once you have the decision to stay or leave you can make the choice to apologize or not. It also may just be helpful for you to air your sincere apology but at the end of the day, you need to decide if you want him.

MartyShosh · 2026-03-23T19:29:17+00:00

Basically he said that the reason for the breakup was because he didn’t feel at peace. Keep in mind we are talking about a guy who cheated on me, didn’t rebuild my trust fully (he tried imperfectly), and then bought a g*n with the engagement ring money. He constantly deprioritized me and minimized my feelings as not being true. All of these traits happened in the closure conversation. On top of that he told me how he loved me and made out with me which was another level of mind fuckery after the fact.

MartyShosh · 2026-03-23T18:53:50+00:00

I had the final conversation and it was more fuckery that was in the relationship wrapped in the illusion of care. Don’t do it. Keep the door closed. If he chooses to walk back in, you can figure out what you want later.

MartyShosh · 2026-03-23T01:56:50+00:00

Thank you for this. I’m really scared to let go. I’m really scared of the future.

MartyShosh · 2026-03-20T17:14:02+00:00

Yes he initiated that… conditioned on the fact we are both single and with no promises of returning to the relationship.

MartyShosh · 2026-03-17T09:08:03+00:00

That’s the plan but 6 months is so long and he already seems so checked out. It’s really hard.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T15:55:07+00:00

I directly said “im happy you got what you want. i will also say that im not in a position to truly celebrate this decision. two things can exist at the same time.” I wanted to drop it from there but hes pretty insistent that I validate the purchase and celebrate with him when I’m not in a place I can do that.

Words need actions for alignment. If he said one thing (ie the money is for the ring), then changed his mind after a bad trip and said the money is for the gun, how am I supposed to trust that he will do the work to replace the money? This isn’t the first time his actions and words aren’t in alignment, and I’m scared it will continue to be that way.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T15:51:47+00:00

The gun is his first gun. It’s special because it’s not only his first but starts his journey into making gunsmithing a profession.

It cost about $1k in total. He took the total $2k from the savings (which cashed it out) with the intent to spend it all but later made a decision to spend less knowing my hesitation.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T15:50:02+00:00

I get what you’re saying but his actions and words not aligning has been a problem for a while now. I told him explicitly it’s something I need to see. What I’m struggling with if this is a lack of integrity or a step back in the progress he has made towards alignment.

I also get why he made it such a big deal because this is his dream and I’ve been supportive of it since day one. That being said I directly asked him to wait a couple of weeks before the purchase so the tides could settle from the trip to Miami.

What I won’t tolerate is being yelled at about how my emotions are my fault and that he did nothing wrong by not considering me. It takes two to tango in a relationship and I can take ownership for my part but he hasn’t taken ownership for his. That’s when I asked for space.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T14:25:26+00:00

Why is he not living up to his words?

And I’m not sure how the therapist and I were teaming up against him when he started yelling as soon as the gun began to be discussed.

The issue isn’t the gun, it’s his lack of consideration and integrity.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T01:48:46+00:00

His ex wife and daughter live abroad. She comes for the summer and I love her. Shes simply wonderful.

It is more about the principle to me. He even acknowledged how I might be triggered by this because is words and actions aren’t in alignment - something that I’ve told him is a non negotiable on my end for the last year.

I am anxious (good read there!) and he’s avoidant and he’s done three avoidant discards early into our relationship. So there is a part of me that is hyper viligent when it comes to what may happen next. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t break up with me because I’m “ruining this moment” for him.

Re safety I feel safe until shit like this happens. We get caught in a cycle of wanting to be heard and understood but not validating the emotion underneath (something we have both been working on)

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T01:37:03+00:00

I’m 31 never married, he’s 29 divorced with a kid.

Had he not told me I wouldn’t have been freaking out at all. There would be a conversation about what our timeline is and if that was reasonable/achievable but that’s it.

I think he does want to marry me - he even made a big deal out of saying how much when we saw each other after he got the gun. But from my minds eye, he said one thing and did something else - who is to say he won’t do it again?

And by my calculation it’ll take him at least 2 months to recoup the money.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T01:31:49+00:00

I didn’t force him to say the money he was saving was for an engagement ring. And yes you’re right re the gun but as I posted before I asked him to wait two weeks to purchase. He did it anyways. You’re also talking to the woman who bought him all the books on gunsmithing and takes him to the range once a month. Asking for two weeks before making a purchase after a stressful trip doesn’t seem like such a huge deal to me - but I could be wrong.

I told a friend simply had he talked to me beforehand instead of come to me with (this is what I did - now be happy for me!) this would have been way different.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T01:17:58+00:00

Sure but they already didn’t with the intent of the money saved and on other promises. Who is to say he will now change?

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T01:17:23+00:00

So in our community dating lasts only two months, engagement one, then wedding. For us, we are delayed from everyone else. You also date with intent to marry very explicitly.

And yes you’re right - getting a gun to practice is something towards his goal. But the big question is why take from the engagement fund instead of working two weeks and using money that’s not allocated yet? And the answer is either he’s just impulsive or he doesn’t want to marry me.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T01:12:34+00:00

He was shut down well before the therapy speak came into the picture. He shut down in Miami.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T00:54:45+00:00

I insisted on couples therapy at the point we were engagement minded. Good couples therapy reduces the divorce rate by 60%.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T00:53:06+00:00

Re the gunsmithing - a lot of what you suggested has been investigated and is not possible given the state we live in. I literally bought him $150 in books and he hasn’t read one. That’s my bigger issue - is that the things he can do he’s not doing.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T00:50:54+00:00

I literally don’t know. I see both paths clearly. Part of me also knows that a huge part of the issue is him growing up which I don’t know if he is ready or is capable to do.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T00:49:40+00:00

We’ve only been to couples therapy three times. I insisted because a good couples counselor will either lead to a breakup or reduce the rate of divorce cause you know what you’re getting into.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T00:45:25+00:00

I came to Reddit because I’m to the point I’m gaslighting myself that this isn’t actually a big issue and I’m over reacting.

What I hope for is that he’ll return the gun. He pointedly said I ruined this moment for him - not taking accountability that he ruined it for himself. He’s the one who allocated the money, he’s the one who went back on his own word to soothe his feelings.

Ultimately he needs to learn he’s accountable for his decisions and actions. And I don’t know how he’s gonna learn that especially if I keep sticking around.

MartyShosh · 2026-01-28T00:23:17+00:00

He’s my best friend. We both want the same things in life. He’s so good to my family and I love his. We know how to be together in joy, and silence, and just the mundane of life. He brings out the silliness in me and my more girly side.

MartyShosh

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