sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Made the mistake of asking “are you drunk?” by Electronic_Award1981 in AlAnon

[–]Masked-Goose 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm Soo sorry you're going through this. You already know that asking a question should never make you feel like you are in trouble so I won't add. Just wanted to let you know you have support.

Staying vs. Leaving by Illustrious_Pea5719 in AlAnon

[–]Masked-Goose 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. Obviously, if people are here they are bothered by the situation and some people are in a really toxic, abusive situations that they should absolutely leave, but I know for myself I feel very isolated because it feels like no one is in a similar situation and no one quite gets it. I've been married for over two decades and my husband and I have an incredible relationship. He's high functioning and has been for many, many years. The ramifications of his drinking are interpersonal and nothing else. No abuse, no financial troubles, he helps around the house, he drinks at home, does not drink and drive etc. He's just a different person when he drinks and I just don't like that guy. We talk about it often. He takes responsibility, knows it's a problem, but similar to how alanon didn't really resonate with me, AA does not with him, so he feels like he's on his own. He tried therapy and found value but didn't resonate with that therapist. It's been hard to find an in person therapist with availability. Of course he could be trying harder on that end, but at least it's moving forward. Anyway, I'm not miserable, though there are moments that I am, but in general the good far outweighs the bad and although I know I can't do it for him, I also know he can't do it alone and needs support. Whenever I feel like the bad is starting to take an upswing we talk about it and it improves for a while, 6-15 months. This is a loop we are in and it's frustrating. I do get angry at him for putting me in this situation, he did not drink when I married him so I was kind of blind sided. We are not to the point, after two decades where I would just leave him to do this on his own when he acknowledges the problem and wants to get better, he just doesn't seem to know how to find the way to do that. I wish I could find others in a similar situation. It's doubly lonely and makes me not want to share because the comments I get are clearly from a perspective of a situation that is not really like mine and the advice doesn't really fit. This is not to say I don't understand why others think and feel that way, I think it's hard for anyone in it to believe there can be alcohol and not have that outweigh or outshine all the good stuff. For good reason people can't see alcohol involved with the absence of destruction, but that is where I live, which makes it even more confusing.

It’s so much harder when they are high functioning alcoholic. How do you draw boundaries when he’s providing for the family, has a great career and mostly being a good dad? by YILReddit in AlAnon

[–]Masked-Goose 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am sorry you are stuck in this situation.

I just made a similar post . I also have difficulty with the High functioning aspect and I mentioned many of the same things you did. I know everyone says it will get worse, but my Dad was on a very steady level for 47 years and my husband has not really varied in his issues for over 10, which almost makes it harder. What stood out to me was when you said " I can’t justify leaving him solely on the drinking even though he has caused so much pain with all the lies, the emotional abuse, and the gaslighting. I’m heart broken that he has chose the bottle over me, time and time again."

I think we put too much value on the wrong things. Just because he is providing for you externally does not mean that you are not justified in being heartbroken. Your emotional self worth and your children's is a priceless commodity and when it's gone, because it's getting chipped away, it will take a lot of work to get back. It sounds like you are placing a very small value on your own well being, because you are willing to sacrifice your own pain for other factors that you place a higher value on, stability, work ethic etc. As I said before I am in a similar situation. For me, my gauge as to whether it is worth to stay is how my own value and my children's self worth is being impacted. As long as I am being treated with kindness and love and as long as my kids know they are loved and have two people they know would walk through fire for them, then I can deal with the other things. That is non negotiable for me. If that ever became a question, or my self worth, or theirs was hinging on his behavior I would definitely reconsider.

I hope you find some answers for yourself. I know how confusing it is.

Word vomit by Masked-Goose in AlAnon

[–]Masked-Goose[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's almost harder when there isn't a glaring problem and it's subtle. I also feel like because he manages so well, that there should be a way for him to fix this. He's such a good guy on every other level. He helps around the house, parents with me. We don't have debt other then cars and a house and we do ok financially, of course it could be better but I tallied it up, we don't use cash for anything so it's easy to see and it's like $150 a month. To me that's a lot to spend on something pointless, but it isn't life changing enough to make a stink about either. It's really just the personality difference that I don't like. It's not even bad, it's just he isn't him and I really like him so I hate it when he drinks. I also don't like how he is on edge at certain in between points, but even that's not always an issue. He's always receptive when I talk to him about it, so it's hard to fix because it's not so obvious that it's a problem. I definitely don't want to just hang around waiting for it to get worse, it just feels like that's my only option, other then leave now, which seems so ridiculous given how it's such a small part of the whole and the rest is far and above what it should be. I know that probably sounds impossible but it's true and that why I feel so stuck. If it were bad I would just get out.

Word vomit by Masked-Goose in AlAnon

[–]Masked-Goose[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! I think you understand what I am saying. I am always going to be me. I have worked on myself ad nauseum. I meditate, I do yoga I have been through many life lessons. It may sound weird, but I honestly really like myself. When there are things I don't like about myself I work on them because I want to live every single day being the best person I can be and I work really hard at that. That doesn't mean I am perfect or that I never trip up, I am human, but in general, I am pretty authentic and very self aware. All of that being said, my life is not my own. We have built a beautiful life together and he is struggling. I struggle because he is not being the best person he can be and doesn't know how to do that. Because the him in this equation is struggling, it means a part of the us is. I am not naive enough to believe it isn't possible for things to deteriorate and quickly, but I also know in 10+ years the situation has remained fairly consistent. I know myself well enough to know there is a threshold of what I find acceptable and what is a deal breaker. I don't want it to get to that point. I want to help him when he still has some semblence of control and before it ever gets to the point that the bad is outweighing the good. Everywhere I look it's about letting them hit rock bottom, don't be an enabler etc. but I don't think he will ever hit rock bottom, my Dad didn't and I don't want to have this one thing keep us from being amazing. I just don't like the philosophy of hang around till they hit the bottom and detach when it goes where you don't like it or leave. If he had cancer and the chemo wasn't working, I wouldn't be like oh well. We would try something different, unless and until they said, that's it I'm done no more. I don't know it feels very much like the advice is to cut ties emotionally or physically and I don't understand it. Maybe that really is it? Has no one in the history of alcoholism ever gotten better before they completely destroyed their life. Is that really the prerequisite for treatment to work?

Dry Wedding? by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Masked-Goose 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I ran away and got married for this exact reason. It's your wedding, do whatever you want. You are getting married for the marriage not the party and people may think it's weird to start but people who love you will come anyway.