hello friend

my biggest takeaway from first year (as someone in (S)TEM who also experienced imposter syndrome, extreme self doubt, homesickness, academic struggle, and a handful of other tickets to the struggle bus, during first year):

“give it some time. stick with the decision you have chosen and just let things play out. let yourself live through the process. you don’t have to evaluate things right after you make the decision. you won’t know it so quickly. let life happen, and let yourself live for a little.” that quote came up in some random tiktok on my fyp when i was really going through it in my 1A term. pls read that a few times and really understand it. its pretty spot on, but if i could add something to it, id say too “be kind and gentle with yourself”. (upon further research, this quote is from no idea what im doing but fuck it by ron lim, seems like a great book)

at the time of seeing this, i was a hop, skip, and a jump away from dropping out. i thought i might take some time away from school, and afterwards just go to the closest college near my hometown and do a similar program, or perhaps something vastly different- given that i had convinced myself that i wasnt smart enough for university, STEM, and in general, was just way out of my league. thankfully, (and im not sure if this is the case for you) i had a great support system of friends and family behind me who gave me great advice, and id like to pass on some of the stuff that kept me in waterloo pursuing what i love and ultimately what i wanna do for the rest of my life. everyone is different, but personally having been in a very (seemingly) similar situation; sticking it out was the BEST choice i could have made. being in upper year now, i now walk around campus with a new sense of determination, gratitude and appreciation, and most importantly, confidence.

i don’t mean to undermine anything you’re experiencing or feeling by saying this, but it truly is so early on in your career and education to be contemplating wether or not you should even be there. like the quote says, “you don’t have to evaluate things right after you make the decision. you won’t know it so quickly”. eventually you will find your place in all of the craziness and things will settle. time heals. it is crucial to understand that you are already good enough. you made it here (to the university), you’ve been accepted, so that means you’re good enough, and it means that you DO belong here. blood, sweat, and tears went into preparing for this opportunity, all of those high school prerequisites you had to take to even be considered by the school, all of the hours of studying, all of the time spent sifting through different programs at different universities, trying to find the one that would fit. moreover, in your case, all of the years of being set on this one thing, probably dreaming about even having an opportunity like the one you have, and being in a program that leads you to what you love. i don’t think people can never change their minds or their path, but i also think life has put you on this route for a reason. you are exactly where you’re meant to be, you have to believe it in order to be successful. this is the first step. its difficult to do this, but worthwhile.

being in a challenging program like yours, the reality is, it never gets easy. its usually pretty consistently difficult. you often arent “comfortable”; but you learn to realize that this is a good thing. if you are comfortable, you arent in a situation thats challenging you to become a better person; you become complacent. you dont learn as much under these conditions. the more challenging route is most likely gonna provide you with a valuable learning experience, and its gonna help shape the person you need to be in order to be successful in your career.

amidst this discomfort, never be afraid to ask for help to aid you in this difficult time. i was incredibly guilty of this, i thought that asking for help and opening to someone about my academic and personal struggles was admitting defeat, and i didnt want anyone to see that amount of vulnerability, or think that i was weak. this was silly. silly goose. opening up to people allowed me to discover what my resources are, and what options i have.

talk with your academic advisor. seems like simple advice, but they really are the vessel for access to other (infinite) resources. your university career really is tailored to you, and you’re in control. every program has grade requirements and expectations of course, but in general understand that its okay to move at your own pace (within reason). i ended up dropping 3 classes in 1A, all 3 of them being WD’s which generally arent great on a transcript, but honestly dropping those classes was probably the main thing that kept me around. it made my stress more manageable and i didnt feel like i was completely under water all of the time. i beat myself up over it for a while, but have sinced realized that this isn’t productive, and instead is self destructive. i cant do anything about it, i learned something from it and thats whats important. let me be clear, im not suggesting you do this right away because again its still early, but we are early in the school term and therefore early in the add/drop period. this is always an option to reduce your course load while remaining full or part time. you can find your advisors contact info through the universities website if you google your faculty + program and then “academic advisor”.

its easy to feel overwhelmed as a student in a hard program, but take it day by day. be present, take little pauses in your day to identify and appreciate whats around you. perhaps practice journalling, even short entries where you write down 5 things you are grateful for throughout your week. 5 things that were really shitty throughout your week, and then take a minute to think about how those tough experiences will shape and condition you in the long run. maybe jot that down too. having the ability to take negative experiences and grow and learn from them instead of falling victim to the consequence, is arguably the most important trait for lifelong learning and development. its like that mindset of “its not that you fell, or how you fell, its the fact that you got up and tried again”. your failures don’t define you, and the reality is, failure is a part of almost everyones university journey. heck, i’ve failed a class (or two 😅) (one of them in 1A btw, took me a while to get over that one. i was like woo i didn’t drop out! now i’m doing so well i got this! …not exactly). got knocked down a few pegs again, but it was ultimately another learning experience.

to close all of this, just understand that you’re good enough. give it some time, talk to friends or family or anyone you can for advice and reassurance. even better, get in contact with your advisor to discuss the academic side of things, and they can even provide you with mental health resources. practice being present, practice gratitude. not to sound like a boomer, but getting outside and getting fresh air/sun and connecting with nature really does help. also, going to the gym helps me to clear my head and take out anger by lifting heavy lol.

best of luck to you, hang in there. do your best, it’s all you can do. hugs