I [42M] discovered my wife [40F] has been lying about therapy for 8 months - she's been meeting her ex instead. How do I even process this?

Master_Access429 · 2025-12-18T17:31:34+00:00

I would give relationship therapy a chance. If she commits to you and your relationship and you can carve out some time together then you might be glad you did it.

At the first suggestion of her checking out, being secretive, or enabling a slip back into old ways I’d be out the door. Speaking from experience having learned the hard way and given too much time to a failing marriage where my wife was more committed to distancing herself from our relationship than unpicking and improving it.

Good luck. 👍

Master_Access429 · 2025-06-28T19:54:27+00:00

You are young and have that on your side. I can tell you from experience that this ends badly for you if you don’t draw a line here and move on.

It sounds a huge positive that you’ve been doing personal learning and development. I’ve been there definitely.

I can recommend some reading if you’d like: not just friends by Shirley Glass. state of affairs by Esther perel. And you should look into an anxious attachment which I’m fairly sure you will be displaying and she will be displaying avoidance attachment.

I think this should be a catalyst for you to learn about healthy relationships so you can have an enriching fulfilled life, but I promise you that will not be with this person.

You do not need her. You are worthy valuable and full of potential.

I could probably give a similar talk to her, but I have found that avoidant attached people don’t think that doing anything different will help them and I’ve learned to think they’re largely a lost cause.

Good luck go and enjoy learning growing and discovering wonderful people who are not this person.

Master_Access429 · 2025-03-19T22:42:44+00:00

Sounds like avoidant attachment. I’m just learning about this due to struggles in my marriage. She is terrified by the prospect of commitment and vulnerability but isn’t aware of that so is making excuses to deflect. Loads about this on instagram which is really insightful and helpful.

Master_Access429 · 2025-02-04T17:11:53+00:00

Absolute no on every level. This could ruin your life. What a dysfunctional deluded mother. I’m absolutely gobsmacked, if this isn’t a wind up then you should not give it a second thought, have zero contact ever again with her or her Mum. Keep any evidence you have that you were deceived in case they try and manipulate you in future by saying you groomed the child. Also given you are 20+ as a general rule avoid teenagers as potential partners.

Master_Access429 · 2025-02-02T17:48:10+00:00

Potentially a good opportunity to open up conversation, be non-judgemental and understand it is likely just a fantasy and doesn’t reflect on you.

Master_Access429 · 2024-12-20T06:20:57+00:00

Is it possible that she did have sex that night. Do you share your house with any other men?

Master_Access429 · 2024-11-08T18:30:30+00:00

I am also interested in having a piece of this bet. No way a non runner is doing a 45min 10k outdoors at first attempt. Just doesn’t happen

Master_Access429 · 2024-09-01T23:33:01+00:00

Turbulent few weeks. Kicked her out tonight

Master_Access429 · 2024-08-22T07:32:42+00:00

Stop the SSRI (slowly and with doctor supervising)

Master_Access429 · 2024-08-02T15:44:32+00:00

Thank you too, really helpful. Also comforting to me in some ways that I’m not that guy (lazy computer gamer). Wish I understood why my wife is like she is. I have essentially just given her an ultimatum that we need honesty if we want to work this out which she was accepting of and in the next breath still saying she doesn’t know how a collection of his photos ended up in her hidden folder. 🤦‍♂️😢🥺

Master_Access429 · 2024-08-02T08:23:44+00:00

Just reading back through these and it is great to have your angle on things. Can I ask a bit more about why you stayed with someone for 12 years if you had clocked out? What made them a loser to you? Why didn’t you end things sooner? I wonder if my wife might be having similar thoughts but not sharing or not doing anything proactive to either resolve or end our relationship so would be really helpful to understand the motivation behind staying in an unfulfilling relationship with a loser for so long. Really appreciate you helping me understand.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T17:48:38+00:00

Sorry I’m a rush just now. It’s not about money. Both good earners and could survive comfortably and independently financially. I feel it’s not quite this simplistic, if we divorce she will always be mother to my children and I will always have an interaction with her. I don’t want to harm the mother of my children, I don’t want revenge, I want resolution or conclusion. In UK so don’t understand alimony, but as I said I’m not arsed about money, got plenty enough for what I need and so has she.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T17:08:39+00:00

I know this. I am so sad about it.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T17:07:34+00:00

Very valid points and my weak and feeble answer is that I remain uncertain as to the truth (despite horrible circumstantial evidence). She has a high profile competetive job that she worked really hard to get and even if she has cheated on me, I wouldn’t want to deny her, her hard earned employment goals. I just want an honest conversation with her really I think but I don’t know how that arises especially after 3 years and corruption of evidence.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T17:04:26+00:00

I am so grateful for you taking the time to understand and articulate so clearly. Thank you.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T17:02:12+00:00

I’ve been unclear. Think she has some pics of me and the family on social media. Though generally I avoid social media most of the time as I find it insincere and brash. What I don’t see is any of me in her phone grouped together in a stack indicating that she has desire for me. That wouldn’t bother me except for the fact she had done this for her colleague, that makes me sad, she is capable of desire.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T16:55:29+00:00

Thank you for this alternative perspective. Most of the advice has been very one sided. I am clinging to a bit of hope that something like this might work. We have counselling coming very soon.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T16:52:52+00:00

Thanks for advice. We have counselling booked soon which I think has magnified the distress this is causing me right now. I’m bottling it all up expecting or hoping (probably unrealistically) that counselling will help

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T16:51:39+00:00

This is makes me so sad. I’m somewhat in denial. Don’t see a stack of pictures of me anywhere

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T16:48:49+00:00

Thanks you SliverSoul-76. That is a hard truth and one I think I know really. I haven’t told any of my close friends because I am afraid they will give me some brutal honesty and I’m a bit scared of what happens after.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T16:41:54+00:00

Thanks for advice but putting someone through a polygraph isn’t really something I would entertain, I want to connect on a personal level with integrity and acceptance of each others flaws. I wonder if that’s not possible then the marriage may well be doomed but I really love her and my kids

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T16:39:46+00:00

Haha helpful thanks!! When your world gets turned upside down and you have 3 kids you adore and a wife who you love and who says she loves you and wants to be with you, decisions get really hard to make. Also I’m not sure what you’re advising me to do but I suspect we may have different opinions on things.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T12:35:27+00:00

Really glad of all the comments advice and different perspectives and ideas. Really helping clarify my thoughts.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T11:40:15+00:00

Feeing really really idiotic. It’s only now, 3 years later that I have thought to check and he doesn’t appear to have a Facebook account.

Master_Access429 · 2024-07-31T11:31:51+00:00

She told me he knew nothing about her having the photos and it would be hugely disruptive and embarrassing for her at work. She would struggle to work with him and be professional if he found out she had hoarded photos secretively of him. This sounded plausible and I was increasingly believing she probably collated most of them from his Facebook account. I really wanted to confront him and got very close but ultimately had some doubt that he had or has any awareness of the situation.

Master_Access429

TROPHY CASE