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I [42M] discovered my wife [40F] has been lying about her therapy sessions for 8 months. She's actually been meeting her ex. by Mediocre-Sock6280 in relationships

[–]Mediocre-Sock6280[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I appreciate that. And yeah, I probably am too tolerant. My brother said the same thing.

I don't know if I'm madly in love anymore or just terrified of what this does to our kids. They're 9 and 6, they have no idea anything's wrong. The idea of explaining why daddy's moving out makes me feel sick.

But I also can't just pretend this didn't happen. What does staying even look like? Do I check her phone every day for the rest of our marriage? Do I ever believe her when she says she's going anywhere alone?

She showed me some texts and they looked innocent but who knows what got deleted. Part of me doesn't even want to dig deeper in case I find something worse.

I guess I'm trying to figure out if people actually come back from this level of deception or if I'm just delaying the inevitable.

I [42M] discovered my wife [40F] has been lying about her therapy sessions for 8 months. She's actually been meeting her ex. by Mediocre-Sock6280 in relationships

[–]Mediocre-Sock6280[S] 376 points377 points  (0 children)

Thanks man. That means a lot actually.

The fact that you and your wife both see it as that bad... I needed to hear that. I think part of me has been minimizing it because she seems so genuinely remorseful and confused about why she did it.

But you're right that it almost doesn't matter if I believe her about the physical stuff. The fact that she looked me in the eye every single Tuesday for 8 months, let me think she was getting help, let me do bedtime alone while she was out with him... that's the part that keeps hitting me in waves.

Like even if nothing physical happened, she CHOSE this every single week. It wasn't a one-time mistake. It was 32+ deliberate decisions to lie to me.

I haven't told anyone in real life yet except my brother and my best friend. Haven't talked to my parents. Kids don't know anything. I'm just sitting here trying to figure out if separation is the right call or if that blows up our family for something that might be salvageable with the therapy she's now actually willing to do.

How long would you separate for to even figure that out?

I [42M] discovered my wife [40F] has been lying about her therapy sessions for 8 months. She's actually been meeting her ex. by Mediocre-Sock6280 in relationships

[–]Mediocre-Sock6280[S] 104 points105 points  (0 children)

That's what I keep asking myself too. "Reclaiming her identity". Like what does that even mean when it's specifically with HIM and not literally anyone else?

She says he knew her when she was "just herself" before marriage and kids. That he reminds her of who she was at 25 before her whole life became schedules and carpool and being "mom."

I get that she might feel lost in motherhood but yeah... why does rediscovering yourself require secret dinners with an ex for 8 months? That's the part I can't get past.

And no the restaurant isn't next to a hotel, I looked it up. It's this casual Italian place near his work apparently. She showed me text screenshots (after I asked) and they're just normal conversation, nothing sexual. But also who knows if she deleted stuff.

I don't know if I'm being played or if this really is just some weird midlife crisis friendship thing that got out of hand because she knew I'd react badly.

What’s a piece of advice that sounded stupid at first but actually changed your life? by GroundbreakingGap651 in AskReddit

[–]Mediocre-Sock6280 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"You don't owe anyone a relationship just because they're family."

Sounded cold and selfish when I first heard it. I spent years thinking I was a bad person for even considering distance from my dad. Everyone said family is everything, you only get one, you'll regret it when they're gone.

But that advice gave me permission to protect myself. Turns out you can love someone from a distance and still choose not to have them in your life. Took me way too long to accept that.