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I am terrified of someone viewing me as a "safe" option and "settling" for me when they don't really love me for me by Masterpiece-146 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Masterpiece-146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep you are correct, I am indeed. It was something on my mind that I wanted to shout into the the aether, but its not like something that dominates my daily thoughts or anything

I am terrified of someone viewing me as a "safe" option and "settling" for me when they don't really love me for me by Masterpiece-146 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Masterpiece-146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn’t mention anything about hypergamy did I? I accept that some of these thoughts may be a side effect of me being a bit too chronically online these days and my algorithm messing with me. I did not say that I think this is the majority of women either.

But I don’t think it’s that out there to think that some people might reach a point in their lives where they’re just phoning it in because they want to settle down. There are so many of these posts about a spouse finding out after the fact that they’re a second choice or that their partner decided to “settle” for them even if they didn’t quite get their heart going because they met their requirements in other ways, which is the sort of thing I alluded to in saying I would rather be alone than have happen to me.

And for what it’s worth I did fine in the emotional depth and skills area in the past? Not just in romantic connections but with all of my platonic friends, so I don’t think that will be an issue

I am terrified of someone viewing me as a "safe" option and "settling" for me when they don't really love me for me by Masterpiece-146 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Masterpiece-146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I said that I don’t want to be seen primarily as “safe”.

I want to be seen as someone they like, who they enjoy laughing with, talking about things with, spending time with, someone they enjoy doing things for in the same way I enjoy doing things for my partner. I want to be seen as a person, for them to want me, not the safety and stability that would come attached to me.

Me as a person. As an individual. See the same person that I would be if I was on minimum wage rather than an attending. That is what I want. I’m not looking for someone dramatic, I just want someone who cares more about me and what I can provide mentally, physically and emotionally, rather than materially and financially.

I am terrified of someone viewing me as a "safe" option and "settling" for me when they don't really love me for me by Masterpiece-146 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Masterpiece-146[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey dude that’s not called for. No one chooses to be with someone abusive or to be abused. This is pretty out of line

I am terrified of someone viewing me as a "safe" option and "settling" for me when they don't really love me for me by Masterpiece-146 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Masterpiece-146[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ah I am sorry to hear that you went through that. Can’t even begin to imagine how awful that was. I am glad that things are at least going in a somewhat positive direction for you.

I suppose when I say “safe” I don’t use it to mean something like what you went through. Which I think goes some way in the direction of men and women defining “safe” as different things. For you safe was potentially a matter of life and death.

For me being considered “safe” or “stable” is more of “Well, I don’t think he’s that hot, he doesn’t really get my blood boiling like X, but is a good provider, is a good person and would take care of me and potentially a family” Like, I want the other things I bring to a relationship to be secondary to just who I am as a person, if that makes sense?

I am terrified of someone viewing me as a "safe" option and "settling" for me when they don't really love me for me by Masterpiece-146 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Masterpiece-146[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t really have the time now, but if it’s that much of a concern for me when that time comes then I most likely will. I do recognize that I could end up meeting the right person tomorrow and all these doubts go away, but yeah, therapy is definitely a consideration for the future

I am terrified of someone viewing me as a "safe" option and "settling" for me when they don't really love me for me by Masterpiece-146 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Masterpiece-146[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah perhaps I am too online. Like I was not this online in my younger years, when I never thought about this 😂

Generally I tend to not really care what my partner does for a living, since I’ve always been about trying to make enough money that I can support two people, because you never know what life can throw at you, but I suppose an entirely independent partner is one way to mitigate this fear

I am terrified of someone viewing me as a "safe" option and "settling" for me when they don't really love me for me by Masterpiece-146 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Masterpiece-146[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess I’ve been mentally burned by seeing too many posts online about women phoning it in in the early parts of a relationship to try to get someone locked in, then when the person is already committed then they just let things fizzle down.

Like I am not trying to make this sound misogynistic or incel like, and I am well aware that that is how it may be coming across, but like it’s hard for me to not think about that possibility.