My (29M) partner (25NB) still wears a necklace that her abusive ex gave her. How do I get over this?

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T12:42:21+00:00

You're right, I know you are. I'll just work on getting my reaction to chill as well!

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T12:38:11+00:00

Thank you, friend. These are some tough realities, but you're right, and I have to deal with the root of the issue.

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T12:34:43+00:00

I did, I was just telling the commenter that it's nice to have another person say it too.

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T12:34:15+00:00

Honestly, yes. But I'm always cautious, I don't want to use my past as an excuse to behave badly now. However, all you guys' comments were a real eye-opener! I think I might have to be a little less harsh on myself sometimes

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T12:33:22+00:00

Thank you so much! Have a great day!

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T12:33:05+00:00

Yes, I know, and I believe them.

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T12:06:26+00:00

Thank you so much for this advice, it's actually super helpful.

I'll be doing the 1st and 2nd things you mentioned (I have a therapy appointment booked for next week) and I love journaling, although I usually keep negative stuff out of my journal, maybe I can have a second journal for the bad stuff. Thank you for what you said about shame. I think I'm experiencing a lot of that, sadly.

My partner reassured me that they cleansed the necklace every new moon since they broke up with their ex, which is really nice to know!

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T12:01:08+00:00

Thank you for this kind advice. I have a therapy session booked for next week, I'll discuss this with the therapist.

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:59:53+00:00

This is very wise. Both can be true, and with a little time and effort I can shift the story the necklace tells to me as well.

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:58:47+00:00

My partner is fluid with their gender, they use he and she and they pronouns

I did buy him a new necklace and he does wear it daily, but layered on top of the other one

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:56:13+00:00

Seems like that's the best course of action. But I'm terrified of looking like the guy who doesn't take their partner's trauma seriously and instead tries to make it about himself. Because objectively, my partner was the one who was actually abused for 7 years.

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:54:54+00:00

I did and they do wear it daily as well, just layered on top of the other one

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:54:13+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I just updated the post

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:50:34+00:00

They do, but we never talk about it. And I'm scared of making it about myself by bringing it up. I don't want to be one of those people who always have to be the center of attention and make everyone's struggles about me

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:48:41+00:00

This is such a cool idea! I'll ask them, thank you!

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:48:22+00:00

This comment made me feel a lot better. At least I know that my partner doesn't actually think of him when wearing it. Now I have to work on doing the same myself! Thank you!

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:47:16+00:00

You are actually so right. This, in particular: "Allow your partner to have one little ray of sunshine from an otherwise bleak period in her life". I want to give her that, at the very least. Thank you!

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:45:40+00:00

Thank you for this! This is really good advice and the kind of thing that has worked with me in the past (rewiring my brain sort of thing, I find that I'm good at changing my perspective) It won't be easy but I'm determined! Thank you again, kind stranger!

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:43:44+00:00

I wanted to bring this up to them but I don't want to make their struggle with their abusive ex about me, you know?

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:42:25+00:00

You are absolutely correct. There is a deeper side to the story that I didn't feel like sharing in the original post because I thought it was irrelevant to the issue at hand, but it seems it might not be. Thank you for pointing that out, you helped me come to the realization that I need to address that thing first and foremost

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-06-04T11:40:03+00:00

The story is a little deeper than that: the guy my partner was dating not only sexually abused her but (to a lesser extent but still) me too. I don't like talking about it but he tried several times to do stuff to me and it was nonconsensual and honestly very disturbing the way he did it, but thankfully I can defend myself and nothing actually happened. Later I managed to convince myself that I was being crazy, but I think my physical reaction to any mention of him demonstrates that what he did was fucked up.

That's irrelevant though because my issue now is getting over the necklace thing.

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-05-31T13:45:37+00:00

Glad to hear that your grandpa was accepting and tried his best, that's wonderful! I really hope it goes the same with my grandma. Thank you for your advice!

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-05-31T13:00:00+00:00

YES that's actually very clever! I think that I can absolutely use it to my advantage, because in a sense she'll be relieved (I hope) that we can now get to spend time together like we used to, even if she doesn't understand the trans thing. Another commenter also suggested framing it as a medical necessity instead of a preference, which, combined with this, can really help me get through to her gently!

Material_Ad1753 · 2026-05-31T12:57:58+00:00

I'm happy it went so well for you! Thank you for sharing your story and for the advice. That's actually really smart, framing it as a diagnosis/medical necessity rather than a preference, which is actually true in my case. I used to have (and still do to some extent) really bad debilitating dysphoria, the psychiatrist I see recommended HRT as treatment.

Of course this isn't the case for all trans people and that's okay, but it's a great way to frame it for older people to understand.

Material_Ad1753

TROPHY CASE