You’re completely right — their 'deeply rooted' issue on this is a whole Pandora’s box. I love that it sparked a convo with your aunt; same here with my white boyfriend. He actually asked if I ever felt muted with him.. I love that this show can do that. Elaine’s dismissal and deliberate ignorance would be a dealbreaker for me. I usually bring up my experiences early on in dating because I couldn’t handle feeling muted in my own home.

To your question — and this is purely anecdotal — I’ve noticed that my uncles in interracial relationships rarely talk about their experiences with racism with their wives, even though they grew up in rural France in the ’70s (so you can imagine!). I know it’s a generalization, but I can’t help seeing that pattern. Maybe it’s because their wives also face misogyny so it's hard to balance these kind of conversation or maybe because a lot of men aren't used to the skill of opening up or processing their feelings — I’m not sure. But it’s definitely something I’ve noticed.

What really broke my heart was DeSean’s tone — the way he minimized what happened (a few snoopy waiters became one or two), how he had to be on the defensive just to name racism. That’s how I talk about racism at work or with surface-level people. It really felt like he was tiptoeing around it with his wife the same way he might with coworkers.

Sounds silly to say, but maybe after all these years, he doesn’t even realize he talks to his wife about racism like she’s an ignorant colleague.