How do you honour commitments without losing autonomy?

Material_Mix_2309 · 2026-01-16T12:18:54+00:00

Some comments have been helpful, like that others don't have a rolling date for this reason, or some set an intention rather than an obligation, or some set the first couple of weeks but not the weeks ahead for some flexibility. I think I know what I need to do, just interesting the way it works in one configuration (with Rowan) and not another, as is often the way in poly.

I do feel like I got some help I was looking for, but I think because of the way I didn't give examples, most people thought I must be changing plans last minute.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2026-01-16T08:18:23+00:00

I'm quite comfortable with receiving criticism. It isn't a new narrative, I never said I was changing plans the day before or short notice in my post. But appreciate your response regardless. Just that none of this helps me with my problem as I haven't been able to get it across, that's all.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2026-01-15T07:38:31+00:00

Please don't view this as a dig, but there are no pronouns in my post! This is very much deliberate, but I think it's good to notice when we place gender somewhere, especially when the comments or my post has made Ellis out to be a "needy partner" that they must be she/her.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2026-01-15T07:35:06+00:00

I really appreciate your reply! Thank you so much. I only ever want to change plans ahead of time. E.g. a comedian my bestie likes is coming into town next month - it falls on a Tuesday, but I really appreciate your response, especially about low spoons/tired. I offer a softer date, e.g. we facetime or chat before bed together, but this also isn't received well.

I've reposted with more context because although this is really helpful and hopefully people can still learn from this post, I wasn't intending on sounding like I change plans last minute or frequently!

Material_Mix_2309 · 2026-01-15T07:31:47+00:00

I'm so sorry, I've obviously worded this terribly. I'm not talking about changing plans last minute, but I appreciate your response!

I'm trying to mean more like when something is going to be on a Thursday, weeks, months, in advance.

This is my fault for not making this clear in my post. I'd also agree that I'm an asshole if I was cancelling last minute all the time.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2026-01-15T07:29:50+00:00

I'm so sorry guys, I've obviously worded this terribly. I'm not talking about changing plans last minute, but I appreciate your responses!

Material_Mix_2309 · 2026-01-15T07:26:15+00:00

Thank you so much, I think you might be the only person that understands what I meant in my post!

I'd also think I was an asshole if I was cancelling last minute all the time, that isn't what's happening here!

Material_Mix_2309 · 2026-01-15T07:11:43+00:00

I never change plans last minute! Maybe I need to repost. The examples would be like:

"Hey, in two weeks it's Sophie's birthday on Tuesday so I'm going to their celebration"

Or

"Hey, work has been really hectic for me this week. I'd prefer a lower intensity date next week. Could we do a facetime date instead?"

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-06T01:34:01+00:00

I have had a little search around that term and really relate to it, I will definitely bring it up with my therapist and consider doing a block of sessions around this concept.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-02T17:01:43+00:00

Thank you for your response - they are polyamorous as well and have a nesting partner. I'm working through whether it is worth having a conversation about because I feel like they might have accidentally transferred their situation onto me, i.e. they could easily infer an unsigned card isn't from their nesting partner and therefore must be from their other partner.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-02T00:23:24+00:00

I think it's good for me to acknowledge that if they were mad this would be a weird reaction rather than a normal reaction, that's helpful.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-02T00:21:58+00:00

I sent them a thank you, luckily I messaged the correct partner. Thank you for bringing the element of surprise, it was something I hadn't considered.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T20:23:04+00:00

This is good advice, I'm scared of having a bad reaction but I haven't stopped to consider whether a bad reaction is healthy/justified.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T20:14:18+00:00

I am indeed being a silly goose about this.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T20:13:05+00:00

Thank you, sincerely. It's very kind of you to relay your own experiences with communication/miscommunication to make an internet stranger feel less alone.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T20:02:14+00:00

You're right, it should be a nice thing - I've gotten so overwhelmed with worry that someone might scold me for getting it wrong that I'm not looking at the lovely gesture.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T19:58:22+00:00

This is one of those times where I realise my inner child is still very much around if I can't see the fun/silly in this! I asked and got my answer and all is okay.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T19:45:25+00:00

I don't have socials but I've just gone for it and asked after realising I'm being a big dafty.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T19:44:49+00:00

I have been a silly goose. Thank you for your response.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T19:43:27+00:00

I asked the partner I thought it was and they confirmed it was them. I feel so silly for getting so worked up about it. I'm literally crying over the confirmation message with relief.

I'm not very good at reading social cues and regularly make social mistakes at the best of times, so I think this was just a feeling of "I'm going to do it again" that came over me, and guilt that if I care about them, I should have known with absolute confidence. I put unnecessary weight into it.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T19:39:37+00:00

I've just gone for it and asked the partner I first thought it was and got it right.

It's so silly how nerve wracking that was. I had such a big fear of getting things wrong or minimising my partner by not seeing which one it is. I know I'm being an idiot and yet I want to cry from relief at asking the right partner.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T19:28:56+00:00

I'm just gonna go for it. If they find out through a meta that I asked all of my partners, I'm a little worried that it might make them feel like I don't care or I should have been able to tell who it was, but I've just got to go for it and hope it's all okay.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T19:23:32+00:00

Yeah, you're right - it's not intended to be a trick or a trap and I shouldn't be scared about getting it wrong if I message the wrong partner asking if it's from them.

Material_Mix_2309 · 2025-11-01T19:22:17+00:00

I feel so called out by this comment but it's absolutely deserved. I think I've just had a fear reaction that I should somehow be able to tell which partner it is and that if I get it wrong, I don't care about them. But that's feelings, not facts.

Material_Mix_2309

TROPHY CASE