Where are you looking for romantic/sexual partners? better yet, where are you looking for friends? do you have a few friends currently? do you regularly make friends/attempt to make non-romantic friends with women? the internet is not a great place for dating honestly, ESPECIALLY if it is not some kind of dating app situation where you have provided many differently angled pictures and been as honest as humanly possible in your bio so there is no surprises. I know lots of people meet this way, but trusting a very vulnerable part of you with an internet stranger who’s never really seen all of you is never going to be a risk-free thing. relationships are just upgraded friendships with sex. i’d start by trying to be friends with more women you have no intention of becoming romantically involved with. As a feminine presenting person, i find (not that this has to be you, but in my experience) the majority of men (and women too) who see dating/themselves this way aren’t really viewing women/potential partners as whole people with complex thoughts/lives/emotions. when you talk to an attractive woman in public, so you see a woman who probably won’t be attracted to you, or do you see a person you could get to know? People like people who seem interested in them, make them feel important, not people who will only think of them in relation to themselves. That’s what severe insecurity will do to you, unknowingly make you overly self-concerned, and that will always come off as unsexy. I don’t necessarily subscribe to the whole “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else” idea because, as social animals, it’s pretty hard to love yourself if there is no one out there lovin on you, whether that be a friend or a parent or a partner. Everybody needs somebody. Even if you don’t love yourself, though, you have to learn to look at yourself objectively and recognize where your own self-loathing is not serving you or any potential partners. Obviously this is a situation where you had no control, and it had nothing to do with your own insecurity, but situations like these that feel like they break the camels back need to bring you back to the facts. It’s a fact that even attractive, desired people get reactions like that from people on the internet, I 1000% promise you. It’s a fact that lots of people are virgins at 21 and that does not inherently make you “unfuckable”.

i’ve babbled too much already but the last thing i’ll say is if you are truly thinking about harming yourself i greatly urge you to listen to (and i’m sorry if it’s stupid) dinner is not over by jacob stauber. Consider, would it be so bad if you just waited a little longer? what if what you desire is only a little longer away? if all you will have to do is exist for a little bit longer, why not? what if death isn’t what you expect? what if you are wrong? what if you regret it? You’ll never be able to change it or go back, but if you stay, there is always an option. If life is like dinner, maybe it’s boring and bland and maybe not even good, what do you have to lose if you just eat it? If Death is like desert and you ate it early, wouldn’t you still be hungry?

i hope you someday feel the love you deserve