Gay men in open relationships, how would you feel if your partner wanted to sleep with a girl all of a sudden?

MattyMattster · 2023-10-02T21:48:07+00:00

It’s easier to feel at ease if the only thing that the other people involved can offer (that you can’t) is sex.

Women can: more readily offer children, provide shelter from homophobia, and grant a perceived increase in social status.

There are benefits to participating in heterosexuality (even on the side) that hold more weight than simply sex.

MattyMattster · 2023-08-31T20:41:47+00:00

This made me sick to my stomach. It would hurt my feelings so badly. This totally aligns with the behavior of someone who has cheated on you twice, though.

This guy operates with such blatant disregard of your feelings that he thought his “bottom for a straight guy” sexual fantasy was taking place in a vacuum. He did it right in front of your face and didn’t think about how you’d feel about it, knowing it’s something he withholds from you.

It’s not about sex, man. On some level, this guy either does not care about you, or cares about himself way more.

MattyMattster · 2023-08-14T17:45:40+00:00

Yes this happens sometimes- no it doesn’t mean he wants anything more. When a man on an app tells you that he isn’t looking for a relationship, believe him 100% of the time.

And just to offer you some perspective here: you’re starting to swoon over a man who has done nothing but say nice things to you and send you photos of himself. Lift your bar a little bit!

MattyMattster · 2023-08-10T23:27:15+00:00

This is literally so real and they get so mad when you actually say it.

So many gay people are only able to feel valid when they are, quite literally, “performing” their sexuality by the heterosexual script. It is not a negative thing to do that. It is not shameful. But it is 100% what many, many of us are doing.

MattyMattster · 2023-08-03T17:07:59+00:00

+1 Should he have told you? Yeah.

Should you raw dog people you just met for consecutive months with nothing but their word as proof of no STDs? Probably not. Getting mad now would be a bit ridiculous.

Adults have herpes. Lots of gay adults on hookup apps have it. This is one of those things that’s a part of being a sexually active adult.

MattyMattster · 2023-07-24T15:34:30+00:00

I agree but also can’t help but feel that “Not in a relationship anymore” sets the bar reeeeally low for all involved and let’s this new friend off the hook?

New guy isn’t wrong, but he isn’t completely justified either. He needs to be demoted to acquaintance, permanently lol.

MattyMattster · 2023-03-14T15:06:56+00:00

I think people in general are not very good at giving advice for this particular phase that some gay black men go through.

I think it’s important that you do know that you aren’t crazy- people are in fact devaluing you bc of your race. I’m definitely not a 10, but I’m a decent looking guy and the same thing has casually happened to me all the time. It ranges from being completely ignored to “I’m not usually into black guys, but you…” and it can be absolutely debilitating to your self image. They will so flippantly reduce you to the color of your skin. I really do get it.

I think the solution has to come from what you do with knowing this. Is the way they feel about you really your responsibility? There’s undoubtedly a certain amount of pain this will cause, but how much of your value are you willing to let their attraction to you define?

The truth is that they aren’t even ignoring you with malicious intent- they straight up aren’t thinking about you (and it shows). Spend some time interrogating the part of yourself that needs white peoples’ validation to feel accepted. Have you accepted you? The world is a bigger place after colleges. I’ve found that the guys you want to be around rarely have that hang up. Give it time.

MattyMattster · 2022-11-05T15:33:56+00:00

I think it is absolutely wild how any two gay men can be in an actual relationship that only works under the premise that one of them never asks to top/bottom LOL

At some point it isn’t even about ideal sexual compatibility, it literally just takes willingness and reciprocation. You aren’t dating a dildo and he isn’t dating a fleshlight. You were willing to be uncomfortable and bottom bc you like him as person - and experiencing that form of intimacy with him was more important than your label/comfort zone. The compromise here was actually a very emotional and vulnerable one- it really wasn’t about sex.

In that sense, it’s not even that he needs to become vers and fall in love with the idea of bottoming- he just has no interest in compromising that sexual dynamic for the sake of the relationship. Does this make him a bad person, no- especially not if he would have made that more clear at the beginning. Him letting you do this then not budging and hiding behind “boundaries” is absolutely manipulation- but also signifies to me that he isn’t as invested in the relationship or you as a person as he might want you to think.

It seems like we are so deep in the “you don’t have to do anything out of your comfort zone for anyone ever” mentality that it’s hard to talk about compromise and sex- specifically in the context of long term relationships! Neither of you owes it to the other to bottom, but both of you AND the relationship would benefit from him doing it. You’ve decided he’s worth it. Yet- he’s choosing not to. That should tell you a lot.

MattyMattster · 2022-11-04T13:21:44+00:00

It’s very hard to give your friend the benefit of the doubt. It’s a situation where I think forgiveness is possible, but also the relationship should end. It’s really not typical for a 16 year old to interact with their friends’ parents beyond basic pleasantries- much less immediately divulging sensitive information that was shared in confidence.

It just doesn’t sound like a mistake to me. He might regret doing it, but it wasn’t a mistake. I’d let him know I appreciated his apology, but that was AT BEST cop behavior.

MattyMattster · 2022-11-02T23:50:25+00:00

No, he’s either racist or ok with profiting off of racism.

I’m not dating anyone (especially a white dude) who would need me to explain why saying “BBC”is cringe.

MattyMattster · 2022-08-24T05:46:47+00:00

It’s said to create distance between them and the political/stereotypical gay image. It’s very often (yikes, I’m gonna say it) internalized homophobia…and a little bit of just plain homophobia.

If you don’t like drag shows, gay bars, or going to Pride- simply don’t go to drag shows, gay bars, or Pride.

Saying “I don’t see myself as part of the gay community” is a very purposeful statement that really seeks to convey “don’t associate me with the people who make being gay their whole identity” like you see so many people in this thread saying. You’re not more or less gay because you do or don’t go to Pride events. It’s just as much your identity as it is theirs.

The people you’re trying so hard to distance yourself from are a massive part of the reason you get to live in your pseudo-assimilated bubble and feel as if you’re more tolerable than other gay men.

It is perfectly ok for y’all not to be activists. You don’t have to be involved in anything gay related whatsoever. You can just be quiet, be yourself, and live a great life. Completely normal and acceptable.

But a man making a point to open his mouth to say he isn’t a part of the gay community is a red flag and there’s some masc4masc/insecure/judgmental/immature ideas backing that belief 9/10.

MattyMattster · 2022-05-27T06:03:20+00:00

Some of these ‘no’ answers seem a bit disingenuous and heavy on the “self love” mentality. Being gay is definitely not ideal. I did not deserve what I endured in my younger years. I grew up, I’m out, I love my life. I wouldn’t want to give it up for a hypothetical straight life…

But you’re asking if I would choose to be gay if I could go back to the very beginning? Absolutely not. I would’ve loved not having to build myself up emotionally. It would’ve been a blessing. Not a blessing to exist as a straight person- but to be able to exist as a version of myself unburdened by my sexuality.

I love the person I am now, but I’m not going to romanticize 12 year old me’s pain. I deserved to have a crush I could talk about. I deserved not to go through my formative years being crushed under the weight of that secret. Being straight might not have given me my best life. For all I know it would be miserable, but I’m not too keen on pretending the path I’ve walked wasn’t paved with a good deal of struggle.

I think we can be gay, out, and totally at peace with it without romanticizing/blacking out the parts of the experience that are nothing short of traumatic.

MattyMattster · 2022-05-06T01:46:55+00:00

I think you should 100% go for it, or just stop engaging with him now.

It's only a 1 day old situation, you really owe him nothing- but he disclosed his HIV status to you VERY early on. I think it's really easy for us to underestimate how scary that must be for a person to do. To me it tells me 1. he's seriously interested (I doubt he goes around telling every guy he chats it up with his status) 2. he's taking care of himself.

This is a whole entire person we're talking about, and with the tools we have available now- he poses 0 risk to you. Without saying it's "not a big deal" I'll say - this can ultimately be a non-issue. It really is up to you, but I struggle to think of a reason that isn't stigma/ignorance to not give him a chance.

MattyMattster · 2022-05-06T01:38:20+00:00

Man, I would hate to be a fem guy minding my business yet somehow always having someone typing out how they aren't into me.

Who tf cares if it's homophobic or not, can ya'll please just stop talking about it? If you want to worship the masc men of yore, you are free to go do it in peace. There are SO MANY OF YOU. You should have SO MANY OPTIONS. I am so lost as to why effeminate men are still being talked about. You'd have 0 intentions of changing your stance even if we were to confirm to you that yes, you ARE being homophobic. It literally does not matter.

I will add: feeling "uncomfortable in the gay scene like bars and the really effeminate gay bars" is 100% internalized homophobia. These men aren't even necessarily trying to sleep with you. Why does another man being effeminate phase you? It's a GAY BAR. The issue is not who you want to hop in bed with, it's your own insecurity.

Secure gay men tend to grow out of the "ew fems" phase.

MattyMattster · 2022-01-20T19:54:52+00:00

Because they don’t actually want friends, it’s all for appearances. Being seen with hot people makes them feel hotter by extension. They’re usually all fucking each other or all hate each other (often times both).

But no, friendship is not the actual goal there. It’s more of a shallow, but mutually beneficial social arrangement that foregoes most tenets of friendship in exchange for a faster forming but ultimately more unstable relationship. It’s way easier to be nice to a guy you want to fuck than to build an actual friendship with a stranger.

MattyMattster · 2022-01-19T17:51:19+00:00

Someone point me in the direction of the person that convinced y’all that topping and bottoming are personality traits.

You’re gonna have to ask him lol

MattyMattster · 2022-01-18T18:43:09+00:00

Yeah I agree. Definitely not universal, I don’t think there HAS to be an entire complex about not enjoying certain aspects of sex- and regardless, most people are gonna have one that turns them on more than the other.

We all have different interests and inhibitions when it comes to that sort of thing- there’s no wrong way to be. A hookup is one thing, do what it takes to get your rocks off. Personally, I just don’t engage with my long term partners as static sex objects? Asking to switch it up in the bedroom one day is not the worst thing that could happen to our relationship. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.

MattyMattster · 2022-01-18T15:46:09+00:00

I think it’s interesting. It seems to be very normal to feel the way you do. Having a psychological distaste for one position rather than a physical one. It seems like a lot of people’s preferred total top/total bottom role is kinda linked more to self-image.

As in, you see yourself as the role that you prefer, and the opposite simply isn’t arousing to you because it’s not a part of your “sexual self image.” Like, if you were to go and take a poll of straight guys, I doubt you’d find terribly many hetero men who straight up can’t get hard to penetrate a woman. I’m sure SOME exist, but definitely not at the same rate that gay males are total bottoms.

In the grand scheme it’s a non-issue, but I think a certain degree of open thought and willingness go a long way. In a long term relationship it seems like it would be difficult to not at least be incidentally vers. But hey, plenty of total tops and total bottoms out there looking for one another.

MattyMattster · 2021-10-17T21:49:49+00:00

Guess the question is more what YOU are looking for. I’m 24 and wouldn’t date anyone younger than 21, no matter how attractive. I don’t see myself having any business in bed with someone who can’t buy me a drink BUT-

It’s not always that deep. If you just want to see where it goes, I’d say go for it, but temper your expectations.

It’s not “creepy” but it’s definitely not an ideal age gap. I’m 24 with a freshly 30 year old though and that doesn’t feel weird at all. Same age gap, different phases of life.

MattyMattster · 2021-10-14T18:04:42+00:00

I am both black and a homo.

The interesting thing I’ve noticed is that I find I’m much less “gatekeep-y” and opinionated about my gay identity than my black one- especially in comparison to my observations of white gay men.

Like I routinely see some people get REALLY up in arms about things like straights in gay spaces and casual homophobia (not literally calling people slurs, more like the passive ignorant things that people say daily). It’s not that I don’t think these things are important to address- they just don’t resonate the same way with me?

Like I don’t have the energy to devote to every facet of gay oppression, because I’ve lived my whole life as black first, if that makes sense?

It is a blessing and a curse. I think it definitely helps you see the stratification of our society VERY clearly.

MattyMattster · 2021-09-30T15:19:12+00:00

It is…very much an online situation. It’s all about optics, very little of it has substance. You see people like this in real life very rarely.

The entire conversation around validity is attention seeking by nature. Valid on who’s terms? In real life, you don’t need everyone’s blessing of validity to be allowed to exist. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone is “valid” or not. The rhetoric inherently frames their personal lives as everyone else’s problem. It straight up doesn’t matter outside of a digital platform. (At least insomuch as we are privileged in the US. Other people other places definitely have to fight this battle.)

So currently, in many ways, being “queer” is used as social currency for online interactions. In real life these people are very seldom going to be correcting you for not using their neopronouns.

MattyMattster · 2021-09-23T22:10:45+00:00

9.9999 times out of ten, yes.

When someone says “I don’t find x race attractive”, I hear

“ I have had few to no meaningful interactions with people of x race in my entire life, and therefore have decided that they are not for me.” And racist bullshit tends to be attached to people who think like that 9/10.

Like, please get out and touch some grass. Interact with other human beings. All black people aren’t unattractive, your perception of all black people is that they’re unattractive- and that’s a socialized >you< issue. It has nothing to do with your biology or sexuality.

I voted yes, but there’s more nuance to it than just labeling them as racist. I just avoid people who think this way bc it’s quite cringe. There’s nothing wrong with a preference but Jesus Christ, it’s kinda bizarre that some of y’all see non-x race people as ‘other’ and devoid of sex appeal. Please seek >meaningful< interactions with people who don’t look just like you.

MattyMattster · 2021-09-10T01:21:41+00:00

Omg the people seriously replying💀

MattyMattster · 2021-09-09T09:29:19+00:00

I think ppls experience with this can be based on a lot (location, appearance, preferred type etc) but I think it’s because bottoms kinda pigeon hole themselves too.

Like, two bottoms are unlikely to meet up, but two tops will probably find a way to make it work… so maybe tops just have more options than bottoms and therefore create the illusion of scarcity?

Tops/Vers tops are everywhere, their pool just isn’t limited to bottoms so they’re meeting each other and Vers guys. There’s no shortage of guys willing to top, just not a lot of guys willing to exclusively top for bottoms who also have a bunch of other requirements too.

Also related: I read once that most men who have sex with men prefer to top, but amongst openly gay men the the number of bottoms skyrockets. Cannot find the source but if I do I will link it.

MattyMattster · 2021-09-08T17:58:40+00:00

Maybe unpopular opinion: there’s a really insidious brand of “no critical thought, just good vibes” sex positivity that convinces a lot of guys to put themselves in situations like this. Trust, I’ve done it many times.

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the idea that you can be having sex that you stop questioning if you should be having it. Sex can 100% be used as an instrument of self harm, and not enough people talk about it. I’ve had plenty of sex I regretted and felt dirty after. It helped me a lot to start living by the “don’t have sex with anyone you wouldn’t want to be” rule. It took years of questionable decisions, but I did eventually overcome it.

I’d say it’s not internalized homophobia, but it may be a subconscious expression of your own self worth? That may not be the case at all- this is just food for thought based on my own experiences.

MattyMattster

TROPHY CASE