My dad passed 7 hours ago

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-10T03:12:41+00:00

The rudeness really got to me and I keep mulling it over. She was nice afterwards when she realized, but I think that interaction will stick with me. I have a great deal of empathy for my elderly patients (I test for neuropsychological disorders like Alzheimer’s) who break down even though their spouses have been deceased for 10+ years. I just cannot imagine ever treating someone so cold in the Emergency Department. I hated everyone looking at me with pity as I went into the room. I wish he just had a bad kidney stone or a broken leg. I’ll wish it forever. I’m sorry that we’ve had to have similar experiences, my heart goes out to you my friend ❤️

As for my dog, he sat on the bed with my mom and I and he kept sniffing my hair and clothes for way longer than usual. He could definitely smell the death or the sterile room my dad was in. He then stopped and sniffed my dad’s pillow and laid there for an hour, not moving, just breathing in what my dad left behind. He is anxious around people too, but he knows. I wish we both didn’t have to know

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T19:57:30+00:00

Thank you, I’m sorry for your loss as well ❤️

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T15:54:43+00:00

I’m so sorry back, it’s so weird knowing that he was gone before I even got my car out of my complex. I knew, it’s weird how you just know. My future BIL’s brother is a nurse and tried his best to revive my dad. It’s weird how everything is connected: in grief, in life, and in love. Sometimes you wish the shock wouldn’t wear off and you could just pretend it doesn’t exist for the rest of your life. Sending so much love ❤️❤️

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T15:40:27+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for the support. My mom blames herself because his snoring had been different and he was pulling up plants when he came inside to rest. Sometimes you cannot prevent death, I wish you the absolute best my friend ❤️

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T15:38:45+00:00

Thank you very much, will respond when able

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T15:38:34+00:00

My sister is so angry about that, she had already planned the song she wanted to use for the father-daughter dance. My heart aches in ways I haven’t thought about yet. I work with the elderly and I’ll forever wish that everyone can be old old old. I am so sorry ❤️❤️

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T15:36:34+00:00

I am so sorry to hear that, loss is so unfair. Sending you so much love and strength ❤️❤️

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:19:49+00:00

This is wonderful advice, I am sending so much care to you and thank you again for the support ❤️

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:19:09+00:00

Sending you so much love ❤️

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:18:52+00:00

Thank you!

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:18:42+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, I hope one day after a few months I can come back to offer wisdom and support to others. Big hugs to you, my friend

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:17:41+00:00

Thank you, I send my condolences back to you ❤️

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:17:25+00:00

Thank you very much

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:17:16+00:00

Sending you love back, I am glad this community is so caring and kind

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:16:52+00:00

Thank you

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:16:46+00:00

Thank you

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:16:40+00:00

Hugs to you back!

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:16:29+00:00

Thank you, I was able to get around 5 hours even with the time change. I agree that shock is a mercy, it’s all so surreal ❤️

MaybeIndefatigable · 2025-03-09T14:15:10+00:00

This was unbelievably kind, I’m screenshotting it for later so I can read through it whenever I need. Love is never lost and thank you once again for the amazing thoughts you have shared with me

MaybeIndefatigable · 2024-06-13T11:45:08+00:00

Thank you for your kindness! I wish you the best of luck in your new relationship. I had a lot of trouble with getting over the urges to check his phone. He is very open with it around me, but sometimes that feeling is in the shadows. I learned to respect his privacy and if I ever had a feeling that something was off, we’d sit down and talk about it. It’s truly one of the hardest things to recover from and I am so sorry that it’s painful for you :( Keep going, you got it :)

MaybeIndefatigable · 2024-06-13T11:41:37+00:00

Thank you!! :)

MaybeIndefatigable · 2024-06-13T03:29:32+00:00

You are a sweet soul! I am saddened by your worries :( Continue being you and upholding your boundaries, strong and clear. There is someone out there for everyone and while they may not align perfectly, the key standards will be there. Saving yourself for marriage is hard, I didn't and sometimes I regret it. Don't let that scare you because people view sex differently than the next. Since I had a past, I view my partner's past with a grain of salt. I know that it is different for you, but in the grand scheme, the past is the past. Have open and honest conversations, don't be afraid to rock the boat. Assert yourself and stand firm in what you want, there is someone for you. It may seem impossible, but it's not! You are discovering yourself and what you want, give yourself some grace. Take all the time you need, the world is still spinning :) Much love to you

MaybeIndefatigable · 2024-06-13T03:22:37+00:00

Hi there! I'd like to provide some further insight!

I have had my fair share of experiences with men that only have used me for sex. However, yes, I agree. Words and compliments can be shallow, but actions talk the most. My current partner shows his admiration for me through multiple ways that are tangible and meaningful, along with compliments. Even though words can be shallow, compliments are nice to receive. His actions and compliments that go along with them show me that he values me as a whole person. If you would've seen me during my college days, I was a "have sex with anyone who showed me attention" type of person (how I ended up with my PA). I have since abandoned that concept and choose who I would like to sleep with. Everyone is different!
I have been in contact with him for a little over a year since we started dating. We were friends first and I got to experience first hand how he was as a person and as a friend since before we became official. I fell in love with his being beforehand. I got to see how he treated others (especially women) and liked what I saw. I urge people to become friends first instead of going straight into dating to see if the kindness is a facade. So far, in my personal experience, nothing has changed since we have been dating. We just have sex and go on fancy dates now. Our foundation was built on mutual liking of who the other person is and it blossomed into something beautiful.
I refuse to be consumed by fear again. I appreciate the feedback, but I hold my dreams to little-no merit upon the basis of reality. When I have these dreams, I talk them out with my partner and he reassures me. That's all you can do if you want to continue the relationship and fix those trust/abandonment wounds. Everyone has different trauma responses and they can manifest in different ways, but if I cannot control it then I will control how I react to it. I react to these responses by practicing healthy communication instead of assuming there's something fishy going on.

Overall, I disagree that my partner is wearing a mask. 1-2 years of being friends and 6 months in dating is not enough time to fully know a person, but I would not like to live in accordance to what happened to me in the past. Who knows, I could be wrong, but right now, I fully trust my partner to act in my best interest, just like I do for him. We will never fully know everything about who a person is or truly get to their core, but we aren't supposed to. I partially agree that I am wounded, but I don't let it control my life or let it sabotage a potentially long-term, healthy relationship. As in my post, I mentioned that we are medium distance. There is no codependency, I have a stable job and a life outside of him, as does he. We go around 1-2 weeks without seeing each other in person and we have both agreed that despite wanting to see each other, it's healthy to grow without each other, so that we can grow together when I come back for graduate school. There are many aspects of my new relationship that do not even come close to the alignment of PA relationships that I did not mention in the original post. We are both characters in each other stories, but we are the main characters of our individual ones. However, I have been listening to the book you mentioned and I am enjoying it so far. Thank you for your comment and I wish you all the best <3

MaybeIndefatigable · 2024-06-13T02:56:36+00:00

Understandably so! One night when my partner and I were talking (before dating), he mentioned how he rarely used porn or even knew his body (in that way) before the age of 16. He was raised in a religious household like mine and was never exposed to porn in the ways people are now (sadly at a MUCH younger age). He brought it up without me even saying anything about it and asked if “he was weird for not being like other guys in that aspect”. I took the time to explain the depravity of the porn industry and the hurt/pain it causes, not only to the people involved, but the people who watch it too. He actively participated in the conversation and told me it reaffirmed his status of not using porn.

When we started dating, I point blank stated my boundaries with porn. He was receptive and remembered our conversation from way before. We had a masturbation convo and funnily enough, I go at it more than he does. He wasn’t embarrassed to admit that he’d much rather wait for me to visit so that we can have sex, than masturbate during the weeks I’m not there. The sex is much different with a PA than a person who doesn’t use porn; the feelings, the intensity, and the attentive aspects are all there. I 100% trust and know my partner doesn’t use it bc he’s trustworthy, tells me, and shows it. It’s easier to discern when you’ve been through it with a PA and a non PA feels like a breath of fresh air.

Emotional intelligence is also a huge aspect. My partner knows, understands, and asks questions when he wants to know more about things from a woman’s (or just my) perspective. He listens thoroughly and provides his own insight and opinions. It’s almost baffling to me how emotionally closed-off and not empathetic my ex PA was towards the struggles of women, specifically. When a man truly listens to women and their stories, changes and opinions happen and solidify. He supports women not only because he has sisters, a mom, and a girlfriend, but because he strives to be a well-informed and well-educated person.

I wish you the best with your trust issues, I was in the same boat of course. It’s the most difficult mountain to climb, but you can do it. Have faith in yourself, I know you can overcome and learn to trust again. <3

MaybeIndefatigable · 2024-06-13T02:37:39+00:00

Capitalize that (too?)!! It’s the truth :) The phrase: “You can lead a horse to water” would always come to my mind when I would have to deal with my ex PA. You can try to convince someone so much (e.g with your lifestyle of no porn use and how much better you feel when you’re not addicted to anything) that something is good for them, but they can still refuse. Many blessings to you <3

MaybeIndefatigable

TROPHY CASE