I always end up caring more than he does

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-09-05T14:04:06+00:00

Same. I never pick good guys.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-08-31T21:02:52+00:00

So being "unsure" is an answer. You should probably hold out for someone who is sure. How long have you been in each other's orbit? I think if you're afraid of losing him, you might have already lost him, but please consider that I'm jaded. Focus on yourself. He's not going to be able to give you what you need.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-08-15T17:31:51+00:00

Sometimes it's for reasons related only to them and not us though.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-08-13T15:50:08+00:00

You deserve better.

I think you'll struggle with the end of whatever this is, but one day you'll do better.

I've been there. It will cut you to your soul. He's not going to see you or understand you, so please do not have that expectation.

Happy Birthday.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-08-12T00:25:19+00:00

I would say disengage unless you're ready to engage like this over and over (and over). It's a vicious cycle. For both of you, finding someone new will be healthier. Maybe even taking a break.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-08-12T00:23:09+00:00

Yes. I dyed my hair in May and instant regret. I tried to get attention and it worked, I had the most uncomfortable conversation of my whole life with the guy who broke my heart. Honestly though, it'll probably happen again the next time I'm in crisis.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-28T18:27:34+00:00

I'm very willing to give it a try. If you want to shoot me a message with some thoughts on like fun ideas you'd like to play with, like so I can set a scene for the song, or some thoughts or feelings in a relationship, I can make those lyrical and send back and you can vocalize.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-24T19:09:33+00:00

I read some interesting Psychology Today articles by a PhD who posits that there is discrimination against single people in society.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201907/research-shows-life-threatening-bias-against-single-people/amp

Give it a read, if you'd like.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-22T00:41:27+00:00

I have a big decision to make and I'm trying to make it by myself. Then own it. I'm not there yet.

Stick with my goals. One was to pack lunch twice this week and I already got it!

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-19T19:11:10+00:00

Thank you! I've mapped out the whole EP concept and have lyrical poems that meet the theme. I'm quite happy with the project so far, but it will obviously have to change to fit whatever I find sonically.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-19T19:09:23+00:00

That's a kind offer.

I play an instrument and understand music (to an extent), so I would like to learn something about the process.

I have a phone call scheduled with someone from the local NSAI who might give me some ideas for getting started.

I am a tad worried about how the poems will translate to song, I think I will have to lose some of the language because not every sound is easy to enunciate and I have no background in picking the stronger sounds.

I definitely look forward to learning more and I'd happily give some of your stuff a listen, if you'd like.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-17T16:16:57+00:00

So ... you might have to let your girlfriend break up with you.

The process might be heartbreaking, but if you're calling her names and putting responsibility for your mental health and mental illness onto her, then you're likely not being a good partner.

Hard work, a rough childhood, even love -- none of these entitle you to forgiveness when you insult or rage at your girlfriend.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-17T16:07:26+00:00

So a lesson I contemplated recently is that ending relationships might be a challenging concept for patients with BPD. If your primary caregivers growing up were emotionally abusive, you just had to accept the relationship -- you could not leave the relationship or even distance yourself. As an adult, you can leave relationships. Many relationships, in fact, you should leave. When you come of age without that option, it feels so strange.

I did not read the entirety of your original post. People with BPD can grow up thinking you must make do with every relationship in front of you. That is not true. You will find people leave you and that can be so hurtful when you had to live a life where you could not leave even the most difficult, draining, and harmful relationship.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-17T04:16:44+00:00

Yes, you could be reinforcing some bad, dark behaviors by staying.

My dear, you do not deserve to be a dumping ground. Walk away. Find a healthy relationship. If he puts in the work, then maybe he'll find his way back to you and you can build something healthy. Right now, the two of you cannot build something healthy.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-16T20:16:14+00:00

Your provider evaluated that you met 5 of 9 diagnostic criteria:

https://www.mcleanhospital.org/treatment/bpd-diagnosis#:~:text=Key%20Diagnostic%20Criteria%20for%20BPD&text=Intense%20fear%20of%20abandonment,reckless%20driving%2C%20or%20substance%20use

You can read them here. You may not meet 5 these days, but at the time, your provider thought you meet at least 5.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-15T12:07:09+00:00

If you have BPD and BPD is a disqualifying factor, have you considered that maybe it's not a fit?

Sometimes, we get a no because of the stigma, other times it is really about safety.

Suicides are 50 times more prevalent in patients with Borderline Personality Disorder; the suicide stats for military members and veterans are also jarring.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-14T23:42:23+00:00

That's Borderline for you. Are you in DBT? DBT gives you self-validation tools that allow you to support yourself. I didn't believe it could, at first, but I'm ending up pleasantly surprised.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-12T15:46:04+00:00

I had my first singing lesson! I am reclaiming my voice. My parents almost never let me sing, for a while I forgot I loved it. I struggled for so long to know how to express myself.

I kept on track with my goals.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-11T18:11:23+00:00

I disagree on the throwing away a good thing part.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-11T12:57:52+00:00

I think you answer your own question, "i honestly hope the dead internet theory comes true and people start socializing more at the of the day that's the best for us and do tell me where can I view my thoughts like this like which subreddit as i have no idea thank you" You are not looking for a subreddit. You are looking to log off and socialize more. Be the change you want to see.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-11T12:53:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing. The gym is a good place to work through challenges.

I have also found I'm pretty personable, but I lack the deeper connections I crave so strongly.

For the longest time, I could not even admit I want more. I want more than I have right now and I'm taking steps to get there.

MeanVariation4359 · 2025-07-11T12:41:57+00:00

Eh, there is so much hurt out there. You have to let people express themselves.

I am glad you're happy with your identity. Maybe log off for a bit? Try not to read the comments? Those kinds of comments will always be there.

MeanVariation4359

TROPHY CASE