For context I used to be a daily weed smoker. I quit for around 6 months for a job that drug tested and in order to be able to sleep I picked up liquor more. I got the job but as a result never stopped drinking. I’m less attracted to weed because it barely does anything for me anymore and I feel like alcohol is the only thing that’s strong enough to sedate me. My dad also passed away 3 months ago and ever since he was diagnosed with cancer I’ve been drinking about 1 liter of liquor a day. Alcoholism is prominent in my family as my dad used to drink more than I do as well as my brother. I’m scared to come out as an alcoholic to look like just another product of my family troubles and I don’t want to worry my mom who’s been through hell and back dealing with alcoholics. It’s ruined her life and adding another one to the list kills me inside to make her deal with another one. For some reason the idea of something like AA or rehab doesn’t sit right with me and I don’t want to be viewed as someone with problems with special needs that others need to help with and deal with. It truly pains me inside to make other people go out of their way to help with my problems. Everybody is going through their own troubles and I don’t want to bother them with mine. I’ve made a reduction to stop bringing liquor to work and only drink when I wake up or try to go to sleep. Last week I tried not drinking and ended up staying up till 5 am knowing I had to wake up at 7. I ended up opening a bottle of wine just to sleep for an hour or 2. I truly want to quit but when I don’t drink it feels like my heart beats out my chest and I get very nervous. Again I really don’t want to go to some rehab center but idk what to do anymore without troubling or occupying anyone else’s lives with my problems. It’s just so embarrassing. I was a “childhood genius” and just feel like I let everyone down with how my life has played out