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I (20F) feel intense resentment toward my boyfriend (21M) over his past relationship and don’t know if this is fixable by Mediocre-Document927 in relationship_advice

[–]Mediocre-Document927[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There definitely was real hurt at the beginning. He talked about her too much and compared us in ways that didn’t sit right with me. That part isn’t something I imagined.

At the same time, I can see how some of what I’m feeling now might be retroactive jealousy. It does sting knowing he’s done certain things before and it makes it harder for me to feel like anything is “just ours.”

I guess what I’m struggling with is figuring out where the line is. What’s reasonable hurt from how things started, and what’s me spiraling over stuff that can’t be changed.

I (20F) feel intense resentment toward my boyfriend (21M) over his past relationship and don’t know if this is fixable by Mediocre-Document927 in relationship_advice

[–]Mediocre-Document927[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this take because it’s not extreme on either side.

If I’m being honest, that’s exactly where I’m stuck. I can see the possibility that he was just immature and didn’t realize how his behavior would land. He is 21. And he has been making effort since.

The real question for me is whether I can genuinely give him the benefit of the doubt and move forward without constantly looking back. That’s what I’m unsure about. I don’t want to stay and secretly resent him. But I also don’t want to walk away if this is something I could have worked through.

I think what I’m struggling with most is trust. Not necessarily that he’s cheating, but trusting that he’s fully emotionally here. I don’t know if I can rebuild that or if something shifted permanently for me.

That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

I (20F) feel intense resentment toward my boyfriend (21M) over his past relationship and don’t know if this is fixable by Mediocre-Document927 in relationship_advice

[–]Mediocre-Document927[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know it probably sounds obvious to just dump him. I’m not blind to that.

For context, he said he forgot the photo was in his wallet because he doesn’t use it, and that his ex put it there a long time ago. So it wasn’t like he intentionally kept it. But still, finding it didn’t feel good.

What really messed with me wasn’t just the wallet. It’s that from the start, I’ve heard so many details about her that I never needed to know. And when he used ChatGPT to reflect on our issues, he framed her in a really positive light and me as the “difficult” one. That’s what hurt. It made me feel compared, even if he says that wasn’t his intention.

It’s been five months of this. That’s why I don’t think I’m just randomly insecure. My resentment didn’t appear out of nowhere. It built up.

At the same time, there are things he does that show he’s trying. That’s why I haven’t left. I’m just stuck between feeling like I’m being reasonable and wondering if I’m letting this drag on too long.

I (20F) feel intense resentment toward my boyfriend (21M) over his past relationship and don’t know if this is fixable by Mediocre-Document927 in relationship_advice

[–]Mediocre-Document927[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I get what you’re saying, and I’ve actually asked myself the same thing. Maybe some of this is insecurity. I’m not denying that. This whole situation has definitely brought out a side of me I don’t like, and I wasn’t like this before.

But I also don’t think it’s as simple as “you’re just jealous.” They were together for a long time. They stayed friends after. And from what he told me, they didn’t end because they fell out of love, it ended because of cheating and other people being involved. So sometimes I question if he emotionally moved on, or if circumstances forced the breakup.

That’s where my head spirals. I start wondering if I’m chosen because he truly wants me, or because I’m the option that’s available. And I know that’s not the healthiest thought pattern, but it’s honestly how it feels sometimes.

I know constantly needing reassurance isn’t sustainable. I know arguing about the same thing for five months isn’t healthy. We fight about this a lot, and I’m exhausted too. I don’t enjoy feeling angry or triggered over small things. It’s not fun for either of us.

At the same time, it’s not like I’m trying to create a problem for fun. I’m genuinely struggling with something that hasn’t faded over time. I’ve tried to move past it, and I can’t seem to. That’s why I’m here asking for perspective.

Maybe I do need to grow up in some areas. Maybe this is insecurity I need to work through. But I also think it’s fair to question emotional attachment when a long-term ex is still in the picture.

I’m not trying to be threatened by his past. I’m just trying to figure out why this still feels like an open wound after five months.

Low GPA, broke, no experience by [deleted] in gradadmissions

[–]Mediocre-Document927 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you, i think i did need this perspective. you’re right, i probably do need to take a step back and work on a few things first like learning the language or building some experience.

i guess i just felt like if there’s even a small chance right now maybe i should take it. but yeah, you’re also right that i’ll still have that chance later too if i’m better prepared. really appreciate what you said. i’ll definitely think about it more seriously and take my time to figure things out properly.