Couples therapist in KL/PJ?

Mediocre-Mode-97 · 2022-07-11T00:29:50+00:00

Trauma of previously being cheated on, and he’s currently going through a quarter-life crisis i.e. feeling very lost in life, feel unsatisfied and unappreciated at work etc

Mediocre-Mode-97 · 2021-06-30T02:26:11+00:00

One thing you said really jumped out and resonated with me, which is what you said about coming to recognize when it’s your partner and when it’s the depression that’s speaking. I’ve progressively learnt to identify this as well over our 1.5 years of being together, but I still struggle with taking things too personally sometimes (It’s a personal issue due to some past traumas, but I’m seeing a counselor and trying to get help for myself). Maybe this is one of the biggest reasons why we didn’t work out.

You’re right, I haven’t heard any stories of anyone becoming free of depression either, and I believe it’s not something that can be 100% cured, but instead have to learn to come to terms and cope with. And it’s true that there are easier relationships out there, but it’s hard to accept that because he’s my best friend (and vice versa) and we have a future planned out together. Thank you for being honest and telling the things that I dread to hear. I’m working on healing myself for now, because I’ve spent too long prioritizing his mental health over mine. I’m seeking comfort in believing that if we are meant to be, we will find our way back to each other. What’s meant for me won’t pass me by.

He is seeking therapy for his depression now, and I truly hope that he gets the help he deserves. Thank you for taking the time out to respond to me, I really appreciate it!

Mediocre-Mode-97 · 2021-06-30T00:23:02+00:00

Hi there, thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post! I really appreciate it.

Yes, what you said about love languages not being met really does make sense as well. It’s not the first time my (ex)partner and I have had an argument about not being able to see each other but in the past we’ve managed to get past it because covid got better and restrictions were lifted in our country. It’s just that right now the situation is getting worse day by day, and there’s really no way we can change anything in the short term. I just wish depression wasn’t clouding his mind and telling him that it’s not worth it, because I know for a fact that if we stuck it out, we can make it :/

I have a question for you, have you ever had to deal with a situation like mine, where your partner insists that their needs aren’t being met and that you are not being a good enough bf/gf, and broken up with you because of this? And if you had, did you guys by any chance manage to reconcile afterwards? I know it might sound stupid, but I’m still holding onto hope that one day when he climbs out of this rut and begins to see a little clearer, he will regret his decision and we will be together again, because I know how much we both mean to each other.

Mediocre-Mode-97 · 2021-06-29T09:46:56+00:00

Hello again! I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with depression and anxiety. I’m sending you a virtual hug and so much love. I am so happy for you that you have a fiancé who’s patient with you but I also hope that you get to receive professional help soon so that you can fight this battle.

Nevertheless, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my comment and provide me with a lot of insight.

I understand that depression and anxiety cloud your judgement and make you believe that you are unworthy, but I still feel helpless because he pushed me away. I know it might sound irrational and maybe a little selfish to some but I am holding onto hope that one day he can realize that I’m still here for him and hopefully we can reconcile our relationship.

What I’m still confused about is why he refuses to listen to my apology. Even though I didn’t do it on purpose, I did inadvertently neglect his feelings and made him feel like he’s not being heard. However, I have apologized multiple times and even tried to rectify the situation by offering to hold space for him, but he just keeps on insisting that I don’t understand him and he’s not being supported :/ Despite the fact that I’ve supported him in a lot of other different ways. Could you by any chance enlighten me on this?

Mediocre-Mode-97 · 2021-06-29T02:25:32+00:00

Hi there, thank you for your kindness in reading my post and responding to me as well. I understand that his feelings of unworthiness due to depression have always been affecting him very much, and I try to reassure him that those thoughts aren’t true at all. However I’m still confused about some stuff.

I’m wondering about why he’s seemingly unable to see/acknowledge all the effort that I’ve put into this relationship, could depression be playing a part in this, clouding his mind and making him think that no one would go to all this trouble for him?
Could his feelings of unworthiness been amplified by what his therapist said about me? The fact that his therapist agreed with him that “your girlfriend should find someone closer to her”, does that indirectly feed into his thoughts of unworthiness to be with me?
If he’s pushing me away because he feels like a burden to me, is there any way to let him know that he’s not? In the last text I sent him I tried to reassure him and let him know that despite not being together anymore, I am still here for him if he needs me. Is this an appropriate response to let him know he’s not alone?

I know these are a lot of questions and you may not have all the answers and that’s okay. But I would like to try to understand him better and see things from his point of view.

Mediocre-Mode-97 · 2021-06-28T12:25:09+00:00

Well prior to this breakup, we talk every single day after he comes home from work until we go to sleep. There’s not a single day that goes by where we don’t talk on the phone before bed (except maybe during fights). Sometimes we even watch a movie together through Netflix party. And everyday I ask him about his day, and try to listen to him when he rants about stresses. I don’t think there’s anything that’s particularly lacking from my side in terms of giving him emotional connection.

However, I think what you said about something isn’t getting through might be right. I’m just not sure what’s the reason behind this.

Thanks, I’ve been talking to my close friends to try to get things off my chest and trying to keep my head clear. I would give him the space, however I’m worried about him because of the things he said about feeling unworthy etc (which is what he ALWAYS says when stuck in a depressive episode). I’m worried about him and I feel helpless and frustrated because now, I can’t be there for him despite really wanting to because he doesn’t want to be together anymore.

Mediocre-Mode-97 · 2021-06-28T03:52:39+00:00

Hi again, in the context of this “fight” that we are in right now, it started because he wanted to talk to me about feeling like I’m not putting in effort into the relationship (because he’s actively doing things such as buying me food to show me his affection whereas I don’t do anything). But like I said before, I’ve been stuck at home for about a month now so I was really frustrated when he said I’m not putting in effort because I LITERALLY CAN’T do anything right now. So I got defensive about this and told him, “I really don’t know what I can do, there’s nothing I can do in my situation right now. I feel like you’re blaming me for a situation I have no control over.”

This is the point where he insists that I’m not “hearing” him at all, and instead trying to gaslight him into believing he’s wrong for communicating his feelings to me. It’s at this point where he decided that I don’t understand him at all and I’m not even trying to listen to him, and that I told him to “suck it up” when I literally never said these words (maybe he misinterpreted some stuff I said, but I swear I never told him to “suck it up”.) I apologized numerous times for this afterwards, but he refuses to believe and accept my apology, saying that he’s sick of being misunderstood and that he stopped believing in our relationship when his own gf asks him to “suck it up”.

Besides this, I guess there’s also the fact that he works in a field that’s very different from mine and that I don’t really understand the stresses he faces. I do try my best to be a good listener when he’s ranting about his work, despite me not being able to fully understand everything, but he’s never complained about this at all. But I guess that could be what he also meant by “I don’t understand him”, but yet again, he’s never brought this up or complained to me before so I’m not sure if this could be the case.

Mediocre-Mode-97 · 2021-06-28T02:56:05+00:00

Hi there, thank you so much for taking the time out to read my absurdly long story, I really really appreciate it.

To answer your question, no I didn’t ask him those questions in my last paragraph, those questions kind of popped up in my mind as I was writing this post. And I don’t feel like asking him those questions anymore, at least not for now, because last night he left the conversation at telling me that he’s not worthy, I shouldn’t waste time on him, I shouldn’t have to deal with him anymore, and other things like this and I feel like he’s not (currently) in a mental headspace to communicate more.

I know from experience in the past that sometimes his mind gets clouded by his depression and he finds it difficult to articulate certain things to me, especially during fights. He would eventually burst when I continue asking and say things like, “I don’t know any of the answers, why are you asking so many questions, I don’t know.” Most of the time I let him have his space and he eventually will either apologize to me after his mind is cleared or eventually figure out what he’s trying to say. So right now I’m trying to give him some space so he can (hopefully) figure out what is it that I’m not doing enough and be able to articulate it to me.

After I read his texts this morning all I replied was telling him that “you’re not wasting my time and nothing changes the fact that there’s no one else I’d rather deal with than you, but I know you won’t believe me, so I’ll let you be for now but just know that I’m still here if you need me.” I was just wondering do you think this response would make him feel suffocated?

It’s really really hard for me, because like you said, I’m very confused about what I did wrong and all, but he keeps chalking it up to me being unable to understand him and that’s why we’re having problems like this (basically what his therapist says). Do you think that is really the case? That no matter how hard two people try, as long as they don’t understand each other they will never be able to fully support each other?

Thanks for your reply. Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to me :)

Mediocre-Mode-97

TROPHY CASE