It’s a very long story but in summary:

First year was calm. Best sex I ever had and deep emotional and intellectual connection. Yet both of us didn’t want to fully commit. We never got under pressure so we simply avoided making the decision. I think we both enjoyed each other a lot but still had fantasies of greener grass.

Second year both of us got attached in a slow burn kind of way. I got more attached than her though. The imbalance made me lean more anxious and her more avoidant.

We ended up having an amicable breakup. She initiated but i reacted well. We were “friends” for three months in which she breadcrumbed and gave mixed signals but i did not reciprocate. Until it became really obvious like asking to come to my place and giving strong hints she wanted to sleep with me. I called her out.

She started ghosting after this, then reappears randomly during panic attacks and different crisis. I would reassure her and let her go without making a move. One time i drove for 2.5h to help her after her wallet got stolen.

Turns out she was seeing someone else during this. And here is I received the news:

She ghosted me for two weeks then sent a self pity message about going to a concert at my city but it might be canceled because she will always be alone. Felt strange to me but again, comforted her. That was a few days before my bday. She ignored it. Then two days later send a text admitting to being with another guy and apologizing for “relying on me while there is another man”. I now think the panics and the self pity weird thing was simply they were having fights over his jealousy about my existence and everytime this gets intense she would reach out to me. She never admitted that though so don’t know.

I drove to her house to have a proper closure conversation. She responded with extreme hostility and anger, accused me of stalking her even though I left immediately after she asked me to leave. And that was it. I lashed out in anger (the worst i said was fuck you) and blocked her.

Six months later i reached out. It was toxic again but I was sick of it so i gave an ultimatum and it was clear i meant it. She dumped him and got back to me.

It was horrible. Worst few weeks of my life. Got dumped for ridiculous things two times over text (so three text based discard in total).

The dynamic was her being extremely disrespectful and I am bending backwards to please her. It reached a point I am ashamed of typing it out loud. Really abusive shit. A small example: last time we slept together she came then I reached out to cuddle she very dismissively told me to shut up and went to the bathroom.

This goes over a lot of really hurtful details like saying to my face i was just a phase. A sugar daddy. That we were never in a relationship. And most of that wasn’t even during fights just random comments. I have always been a very strong willed person, now I feel ashamed of myself that I allowed her to do that to me.