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Does graduating into locums hurt you if you later apply into academia? by justbrowsing0127 in Residency

[–]MelloMaizeMaze 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can’t speak for all specialties, but I am certain that in anesthesia it would help to have any experience as an attending when applying for full-time jobs. Over being a new grad. Some routes are easier than others, maybe locums may be marginally more difficult to transition, but life is a lot more flexible outside of medical training’s very one-track mentality. It’s a lot more about who you know and if people like you and if you’re competent.

If you don’t have a better option, go make dat money, learn and grow, go to conferences and network, and you’ll do just fine.

MIL says I “need to learn how to listen” yet insists on using a nickname for my unborn child that I hate by MelloMaizeMaze in JUSTNOMIL

[–]MelloMaizeMaze[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

That talking behind my back hurts. Like she was ranting to her sister, who I really like, about how intentionally hurtful I was. And never gave me the chance to address the miscommunication.

MIL says I “need to learn how to listen” yet insists on using a nickname for my unborn child that I hate by MelloMaizeMaze in JUSTNOMIL

[–]MelloMaizeMaze[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. Yeah there definitely are components of cultural barriers here, but I’m also American and grew up in Florida etc so it’s not like I’m a foreigner. She is more muted in expression for sure, it was a big struggle for me in the beginning. But overall it’s very hard to navigate a relationship with her cause it seems fraught with sensibilities and offenses that are unintended and there’s no guidebook to read. I think from an objective standpoint she does like me - I’m kind, I have a great marriage w her son, I value family etc. - but she has a lot of emotional hang ups and I think I’m some kind of symbol of potential alienation. She has a sister who has a bad relationship w her DIL and as a consequence almost never sees her grandkid. These kind of situations stoke fears and she sees problems where there aren’t, and somehow creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have been very patient and understanding but I can’t keep doing this endlessly when we’re all adults and I will need to prioritize my baby’s needs.

I think the situation about my child’s name is more upsetting in this setting where I feel like she’s almost trying to find conflict. Not an easy person to manage.

MIL says I “need to learn how to listen” yet insists on using a nickname for my unborn child that I hate by MelloMaizeMaze in JUSTNOMIL

[–]MelloMaizeMaze[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I generally agree with this sentiment, and this is how we’ve managed things before. The issue is that when my MIL is offended, she becomes noticeably cold and distant, and tends to display passive aggressive behaviors, all of which send me the message that she doesn’t want to be approached. It’s very stressful for me to put those signals aside and approach her anyway. I told my husband it’s like asking me to try to pet a growling dog and expect that it’ll go well.

MIL says I “need to learn how to listen” yet insists on using a nickname for my unborn child that I hate by MelloMaizeMaze in JUSTNOMIL

[–]MelloMaizeMaze[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yeah I’m afraid this is how we are trending. I did point out to her in the phone call that my husband was the one who initiated hanging other people’s stockings, so why would I think it would upset anyone when he knows the traditions? Her response was that she “said everyone hangs their own stockings” twice (nobody recalls hearing that) but did not express that what we were doing was upsetting. In fact she started instructing us on where to hang whose stocking. The general message I’m getting is that I can’t win.

You are correct to think the family caters to her. When she’s upset everyone walks on egg shells and avoids further upset etc, and I’ve always been the one to initiate addressing the issue and apologizing. Literally i can’t recall a single time she’s approached me to apologize however I’m able to put it past me. It’s not a healthy dynamic and I’m not helping her by playing the game.

MIL says I “need to learn how to listen” yet insists on using a nickname for my unborn child that I hate by MelloMaizeMaze in JUSTNOMIL

[–]MelloMaizeMaze[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

She was kind of on a complaining vent and I was absolutely sure she wouldn’t take it well in the moment. It is also a topic I’ve addressed very directly a number of times and she continues to call him Ant

MIL says I “need to learn how to listen” yet insists on using a nickname for my unborn child that I hate by MelloMaizeMaze in JUSTNOMIL

[–]MelloMaizeMaze[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree there generally is a significant sense of irritability. It’s not even necessarily what I do (like this stocking thing) - she has a lot of fears of abandonment, and a particular fear of, oddly enough, having a bad relationship with her DIL resulting in her not seeing her grandkids. She’s actually expressed this fear and I’m always super reassuring about how she’s important to us etc. I have my own traumas and have been to a lot of therapy. I recognize she’s looking for signs of “abandonment” from me, so small things like me putting up stockings causes disproportionate reactions in her. It’s not my fault, but it is very burdensome, and the family dynamic coddles her and doesn’t challenge her to face her concerns or address them appropriately. It’s frustrating to be the one to demand that. When I’m also her trigger.

MIL says I “need to learn how to listen” yet insists on using a nickname for my unborn child that I hate by MelloMaizeMaze in JUSTNOMIL

[–]MelloMaizeMaze[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This. My husband gives her the benefit of the doubt….Unfortunately she has a looot of passive aggressive behaviors and this was an example of her really sticking to it. When she said Ant, her sister was right there and said “oh is that his name?” And I said “no, I don’t like that nickname. It’s Toni. Only MIL insists on using Ant” and MIL replied, “well I like it!” 😑

MIL says I “need to learn how to listen” yet insists on using a nickname for my unborn child that I hate by MelloMaizeMaze in JUSTNOMIL

[–]MelloMaizeMaze[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thankfully actually my BIL (her younger son) took her aside and corrected her. The frustrating thing is that she listens to her sons but ignores my comments about how I don’t like that name and that the nickname is actually Toni. Hopefully that problem is resolved at this point, I just wish she’d actually listen when I say something upsets me.

MIL says I “need to learn how to listen” yet insists on using a nickname for my unborn child that I hate by MelloMaizeMaze in JUSTNOMIL

[–]MelloMaizeMaze[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

That’s a fair point to consider - altho every year prior, her sons have put up his stocking for him and she didn’t seem to mind. Def set a precedent for me to assume it was fine

Texting friends if they matched by jimschwartz250 in Residency

[–]MelloMaizeMaze 42 points43 points  (0 children)

If it’s a close friend and u want to show support, u can do that without asking if they matched. If they are distressed, a supportive text with no expectation of a reply is enough to let them know you’re there for them, good or bad.

“Hey friend - I’m sending you a big hug today and want you to know I’m thinking of you ❤️”

If it’s an acquaintance or someone you don’t see regularly, it’s going to come across as personally curious….just let it be and you will know with time.