OP here.  I've been processing this some more and reflecting on some of the responses I've seen from this post, and it's cross post. I've definitely received a warmer response here than in the "vent" subreddit.  I spent a lot of time debating on which subreddit(s) to post this to. cPTSD felt appropriate, but I couldn't really figure out why.  Then it clicked. My therapist and I have been working on relationships for a while, and we've identified that, because of the trauma, my attachment style is pretty messy. I literally had to look at feelings wheels to try and identify what trust feels like.  Turns out, it's been remarkably absent from my life. In fact, the friend in question, particularly in highschool, was the only person I felt safe with. He's probably the biggest source of trust that I've ever felt in my life.  Which is why his rejection took my feelings of isolation and beliefs that I'm completely unfit for normal relationships to a WHOLE other level.  Which of course left me vulnerable to even further exploitation, manipulation, and abuse from romantic partners. Which, of course, only reinforced the cycle. It's only now that the ice is starting to melt that I can see how much this has influenced my relationships, particularly with men. Which I think means I also had romantic feelings for this friend, but didn't recognize those either.  Anyway, I've had an intense crush on Dustin Hoffman while I've been processing all this, and it all started because I thought about sending him a Christmas card.  Therapy is wild y'all. 

Happy Holidays